General anger and resentment towards men

[BornAgainFem]

Over the last few years I have learnt alot on here (you're all fab by the way!), and have reflected a lot on my past and previous relationships with men (friends, family and romantic relationships).
I have developed a real underlying anger and seeping resentment towards men in general. I feel bad about this but can't help see how the patriarchy has moulded alot of the men in my lives. Even those who would claim they're feminists have an underlying tone of misogyny, I even see it in DH.
Has anyone else gone through this and how have you overcome the bitterness? It's eating me up.

I can see your problem, still being married to one, and realising he is 'one of them'.

Frankly, I just avoid them as much as possible. That is about all I can do.

Perhaps don’t have people in categories. “Men” or “feminists” or whatever. Treat each person as a fellow human being.

I'm struggling with just this at the moment, OP. It's horrible, isn't it?

Sorry, I've no good advice to give but would like to see what others say.

Same. I have a touch of 'not my nigel' but I can see it in all the men I know and in the trajectory of my life.

Perhaps don’t have people in categories. “Men” or “feminists” or whatever. Treat each person as a fellow human being

Yes indeed.

Humility. Realising you have faults too (and if you're like the rest of us, have done things in the past that make you blush now). I'm very thankful that others overlook my imperfections. If they had a 'off with your head' attitude I would have been beheaded long ago! Some of the things I have said and thought were a product of my environment and I couldn't easily change that. Some things I probably still haven't changed. We're all works in progress.

Also, being anti-women is not the only injustice and women aren't the only ones who could feel aggrieved. Perhaps it would help to realise there are many, many people living under some degree of oppression who are not allowing it to twist them or blind them to the potential in others. When I look at how people live in some areas where I have stayed as a tourist or even worked as a volunteer (and they have cleaned the building while I did 'nicer' jobs), I'm amazed they're not burning with resentment. Instead, they made a friend out of me and I learned a lot.

I am frustrated at the lack of progress in my lifetime.

I am old enough now to speak out to men without giving a shit what the reaction is. That helps.

#Stridentfem

“You can tell whether some misogynistic societal pressure is being exerted on women by calmly enquiring, ‘And are the men doing this, as well?’ If they aren’t, chances are you’re dealing with what we strident feminists refer to as ‘some total fucking bullshit’.”
― Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman

I know what you mean, OP.

Thanks, chickenpox. Your post really resonated with me. I shall keep what you say in mind.

There is the potential for good and bad in each of us. It's easy to fall into a trap of demonising certain groups and projecting on to them. I don't want to live like that. I'd prefer to take each individual as I find them and see the potential for good in all.

I think class analysis gives a vehicle for looking at the issues without demonising the individuals.

I understand. Sometimes I feel a lot of anger towards men as a group after a particularly bad news week of various men being up to various violent and misogynist crime, plus encountering misogyny (such as excusing rapists) from men around me, "nice" men. Anger is a natural reaction.

You could try thinking about all the people who look at you every day and think, 'Why is she so much better off than me? Why can't I have what she has? What has she done to deserve the good things that she has?'

Everyone gets these feelings at some time. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself.

I'm not apologising. I've met precious few men aware of their privilege and who don't count on it when it comes between them and a woman.

Chickenpox your post is really wise. In particular, remembering that women are far from the only disadvantaged group and that other people might feel resentment towards me and certain privileges I have is so important and not always easy to do.

To the OP: I hear you. I find myself feeling despair/resentment towards men as a class so often. And feeling the world is broken because of men. Usually I can get over it by thinking about all the wonderful men/boys I know, not just my DP and my stepson but my male friends (I know that sounds a bit NAMALT, but I just mean that it’s so important to see individuals as well as groups). But then reading the headlines and seeing male violence everywhere will put me back in the resentful place.

I agree Chickenpox great post. I tend to think that if we were the stronger sex we might behave as badly!

I understand Born. I have had awful relationships with all the men in my life and have only recently come to realise that it wasn't me it was them! The realisation has been liberating and my self-esteem has rocketed. It has taken divorcing (and standing up to) the biggest misogynist of all in my ex and winning to realise my own worth.

I feel the same and after being married a few times and always being a maid to each one even though I am a high earning professional woman, I have decided to live alone. I am so much happier now. No more picking up someones pants and being pestered for sex that I don't want 24/7.
I have my friends, my grown up child and a loving family and quite honestly have no place for a man in my life any more.
Until men stop acting like big children and treating us like second class citizens I don't want one in my house. I don't need one either. I get more love and affection from my cat.

We all got the same general misogynist conditioning in our various cultures growing up.
Women who have unpacked, or are unpacking, that conditioning usually avoid men, unless they are in partnership with a man who has, or is, unpacking the conditioning.
Every culture on the planet is hostile to women and living in a hostile environment is exhausting for women. So we withdraw as much as we can if we can. This should come as no surprise.

im new to feminism and still trying to get my head around a few things. one thing that plays on my mind is that the men of my age group (20s) who expect to women to cook for and cleaned for, and whose behaviour is excused by their mothers alot of the time (in the case of my ex’s anyway) - is this due to their own mothers being affected by patriarchy? did/do they not know any better? im finding that isnt a valid excuse anymore. the way some men have spoken to me, or acted towards me - especially in male environments such as the gym, i cant help but think of their mothers. how would they feel if a man treated their mother that way?

sometimes i cant help but also feel a bit angry at the women who raised some of these men and continue to excuse them. can anyone shed any light or give insight?

Thank you bewilderness

The thread didn't take long to develop an outbreak of NAMALT.

Well said madcatlady, and thebewilderness too.

^ this

i cant help but think of their mothers. how would they feel if a man treated their mother that way?

There is a video on youtube of a particularly notorious cat calling spot where some of the catcallers/eve teasers mothers took it in turns to walk by. It was embarrassing for them to have their mothers find out who they really were. I do not know if they learned anything.

What is NAMALT?