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Original poster

Is it wrong to have a bailout fund when you are in a stable loving relationship?

63 replies

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 29/04/2018 17:10

On the one hand it feels really disloyal, that you don't love or trust your partner. On the other hand you read so many threads on here where women are ditched completely out of the blue.

I do have some funds stashed that are "mine" , but this seems to go against what everyone says about the importance of "family money" and "joint finances".

I'm kind of torn on this one, and interested to see what others think?

As a background we aren't married, and have a DD. I have some money from inheritances (a very sizeable chunk of which has been used to bail out DPs business on occasion). Not on lease/deeds etc.

OP posts:
TERFragetteCity · 29/04/2018 17:12

No, this is absolutely the case and I'd recommend all adults stash money away for emergencies, particularly women.

I have.

And always will, since I had to leave a partner with 5 carrier bags, my car and nowhere to sleep that night.

UpstartCrow · 29/04/2018 17:12

No it isn't, and it doesn't go against the principle of family money either.
If you were rock climbing with your DP, would you rely on him 100% for your own safety? Or would you take some responsibility for yourself and also work as a team?

LassWiADelicateAir · 29/04/2018 17:16

I've always had my own money. We have never had joint accounts. I don't believe in joint finances or joint money.

In your situation I would not have bailed out a business without my input being secured as a loan and with repayments agreed.

Aridane · 29/04/2018 17:19

I don’t know

Essexmummy88 · 29/04/2018 17:20

I have one

IndominusRex · 29/04/2018 17:21

No it isn't. Every woman should have one. It's one of my focuses of this year to build mine back up.

HollowTalk · 29/04/2018 17:22

I don't think you should bail out your partner again. Does he know how much money you have?

You're not being unreasonable putting yourself and your daughter first. You're being sensible - but you'd be mad to give him any more money.

Original poster
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 29/04/2018 17:23

That's really interesting, I wonder if I would have got the same answers if I had posted this elsewhere Wink

Lass I'm getting some of that money back now as a "kept woman" while I go back to uni...

OP posts:
LassWiADelicateAir · 29/04/2018 17:24

The title of the thread is terrible by the way. "Bail out fund" - you are talking about your money - earned, inherited or a good run of luck on the horses- its existence doesn't have to be justified.

LyricalGangster · 29/04/2018 17:24

I have my own money and assets, dh has his own money and assets. We have a joint account which he pays most of his wages into (I'm a sahm) which cover day to day stuff but other accounts (such as savings) are ours to do with as we please. I know I'll be financially secure should either of us choose to end the relationship and draw comfort from this (although we are a really solid couple and i don't forsee this happening)

Original poster
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 29/04/2018 17:24

I don't think you should bail out your partner again

I won't. I made it very clear that the last time was the last time.

I'm open about the money I have, but TBH he's not particularly interested / bothered.

OP posts:
Waddlelikeapenguin · 29/04/2018 17:27

I dont think of it as an escape fund but i have money in my name/independent means Wink that will always stay in my name whilst all our day to day finances are family money.

Joint accounts are problematic if one of you dies - is that an easier reason forhaving some money only you can access?

Iflyaway · 29/04/2018 17:28

A woman should never rely on a man without a personal run-away fund.
Especially! when you have children.

Cos life has a weird way of working out .... (not the way you expected).

Even my mum had one and she's long gone. Never needed it either but gave her some independence. Maybe living through WWII influenced that decision.

Viviennemary · 29/04/2018 17:28

If you feel you want a bail out fund then have one. And I don't think you should be spending your inheritances on injecting cash into your DP's failed businesses especially when you're not married.

Merchfach · 29/04/2018 17:28

I don't think it is. My partner and I met when we were in our 40s and have lived together for 12 years. I was financially independent before we met and I'm financially independent now. I wouldn't prop up my partner's business with my money and I wouldn't expect him to do that for me.

I've seen too many apparently happy and secure marriages break up or, worse, people trapped because they can't afford to separate, so I'll always have an escape fund in case I need it. There will probably be people who'll say that the mere fact that you're even thinking about a bail-out fund means your relationship isn't the secure and loving one you say it is. I wouldn't agree. I think you can love someone deeply and want to be with them, but also be aware of the statistics and have a safety net available should you need it. It's like an insurance policy. And if you're still together in your 70s you can have fund spending it together.

Thegirlinthefireplace · 29/04/2018 17:29

I have one, with my husbands knowledge and blessing. We are in a very happy Andy secure relationship.

jimijack · 29/04/2018 17:30

I do.
It's completely black & white with zero emotional attachment to me.
I have money that is emergency funding.

Married nearly 20 years, I have always had this money. Very very happily married, lovely, reliable, kind, fantastic dad to our kids, my husband is perfect.
Regardless of that, I will never ever be reliant on any one.

He knows I have money. It's not discussed beyond that.

Original poster
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 29/04/2018 17:31

There will probably be people who'll say that the mere fact that you're even thinking about a bail-out fund means your relationship isn't the secure and loving one you say it is

In a nutshell, that was what I was worried about. Does even thinking about this mean that the relationship is doomed on some level etc.

Pretty unanimous though Grin

As an aside, if we did get married, would the default be that all money/assets would belong to both of us?

OP posts:
CircleSquareCircleSquare · 29/04/2018 17:31

I have an escape fund both in the bank but also in cash. I have no cause to think anything bad will happen and it isn’t just for escaping my relationship but yes I do have personal money that I will never touch unless me or my children are in crisis.

BlackBetha · 29/04/2018 17:32

I wouldn't necessarily think of it as a "bailout fund" (assuming you're not planning to bail out any time soon!) but it seems sensible to have some savings in your own name. Especially if you're not married and not on the lease for your home.

You could still have a joint account for household expenses etc, if that makes sense for you as a couple, but keep your own separate savings account as well (and of course your partner could do likewise). It's not ideal to have all your money in one place anyway.

jedenfalls · 29/04/2018 17:34

If it makes you feel better, don’t call it a bail out fund. Call it emergency money.

As pp said, what if he was in a a terrible accident, and you couldn’t access joint funds.

What If there was an issue with your bank. this happened to me when I was travelling in Europe my credit card and current account were locked due to an admin cock up. I needed a flight home and was bolloxed.

An emergency fund in a different account would have been a big help.

2rebecca · 29/04/2018 17:35

No, although our main cash ISA and S&S ISAs are in my name because I'm more in to that sort of thing than my husband. I think of them as our money though and as I earn more than him I don't really need an escape fund.

OddBoots · 29/04/2018 17:36

I wouldn't call it that but I don't see the problem with it as long as it doesn't mean struggling to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table. DH and I have mainly joint finances but each have our own pot too.

When we first got married we set our finances up in such a way as to make it as easy as possible for us to split financially if we were to separate. Neither of us would choose to leave because it was a bit less tricky financially but if we were to split there would be less stress and especially with children involved the fewer bones of contention the better. We are 20 years married and still very much in love so it has been almost pointless but we are still pleased we did it.

SluttyButty · 29/04/2018 17:43

I keep a certain amount of money in my account all the time. I can no longer work, my husband earns well and pays for almost everything.
If anything happened I would at least have the means to buy food etc for myself and the children for a while. We have separate accounts.

whitehandledkitchenknife · 29/04/2018 17:46

Never wrong. Regardless of the status of the relationship. I've always been financially independent and husband has no access to my money. I pay my contribution into a separate joint household account. By cheque. I won't do direct debit as I can then control how much I contribute.
It's not being disloyal. It's ensuring your freedom/independence, should you need it. For what ever reason.

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