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Original poster

Is it wrong to have a bailout fund when you are in a stable loving relationship?

63 replies

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 29/04/2018 17:10

On the one hand it feels really disloyal, that you don't love or trust your partner. On the other hand you read so many threads on here where women are ditched completely out of the blue.

I do have some funds stashed that are "mine" , but this seems to go against what everyone says about the importance of "family money" and "joint finances".

I'm kind of torn on this one, and interested to see what others think?

As a background we aren't married, and have a DD. I have some money from inheritances (a very sizeable chunk of which has been used to bail out DPs business on occasion). Not on lease/deeds etc.

OP posts:
womanhuman · 29/04/2018 18:38

We have everything in joint accounts except what I have stashed just for me - would be enough for 3 or 4 months if I needed it.

He’s the bigger earner by quite a margin these days so I tell myself it’s in case he died and we needed to get by for a few months waiting for insurances to get sorted.

I’m not really planning on running away or putting him out but it’s nice to know I could.

ReluctantCamper · 29/04/2018 18:52

I have always ensured I'm financially independent. dh and i each have our own savings and current accounts plus a joint account for shared expenses. I think (hope) that neither of us regards our cash as a bailout fund, but it does mean that while it would be bloody difficult to separate, each of us could do it.

means we know that we're both here by choice. I think it's a good thing.

PersianCatLady · 29/04/2018 19:06

Does he own the house that you live in?

(It is unclear from your OP as you said "not on deeds / lease")

rememberthetime · 29/04/2018 19:14

If you want to ensure that things are fair then encourage him to put aside and equal amount of money as his own backup fund.

but having been in a shared money situation - it was used as a form of control - I would never do it again. My current partner earns 6 figures plus bonuses and has never given me money. I don't want him to. But he does pay for nights out and hotel stays etc. there are ways to even up the financial disparity - but losing your Independence doesn't have to be one of them.

Original poster
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 29/04/2018 19:17

(It is unclear from your OP as you said "not on deeds / lease")

Trying to not give too much identifying information Wink

If you want to ensure that things are fair then encourage him to put aside and equal amount of money as his own backup fund

That would involve him not being totally inept about money...

OP posts:
thebewilderness · 29/04/2018 19:24

Because finances are the #1 cause of conflict in relationships the counselors recommend separate accounts plus a household account that both contribute a percentage of their income to cover expenses.

Examine where the feeling of disloyalty is coming from. That seems to be the problem.

Original poster
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 29/04/2018 19:28

Examine where the feeling of disloyalty is coming from

Mumsnet! Mumsnet told me that it wasn't fair / was untrustworthy to hide money away, that all money should be shared family money etc

OP posts:
redexpat · 29/04/2018 19:29

I dont purely because I live in a different country with different laws, and everything would be split 50/50. I dont have a will for the same reason.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 29/04/2018 19:29

I think it's smart to do this. I have a stash as I got screwed over in a divorce. Husband no.2 knows I have the fund and knows why.

LassWiADelicateAir · 29/04/2018 19:32

As an aside, if we did get married, would the default be that all money/assets would belong to both of us?

I think you are in Scotland? If so , no that is not the case under Scots law. Your property owned pre- marriage largely remains yours. Your inheritance for example is yours and remains yours unless you had used it to buy a matrimonial home.

Matrimonial property under Scots law is all the property belonging to the parties (or either of them) before parties cease to cohabit which was acquired by them during the marriag,e but before the date of separation, or before the marriage for use by both of them as a family home, or as furniture or for a family home.
Excluded from matrimonial property are :

Assets acquired post-separation.
Assets acquired pre-marriage (with the possible exception of the family home/furniture,)
Assets acquired by way of gift or inheritance from a third party

thebewilderness · 29/04/2018 19:33

Mumsnet! Mumsnet told me that it wasn't fair / was untrustworthy to hide money away, that all money should be shared family money etc

Oh Em Gee! Have you been hanging out on AIBU again?

Original poster
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 29/04/2018 19:34

Thanks Lass Flowers

OP posts:
Isadora666 · 29/04/2018 19:35

I don't need to. I earn more and own my house outright.

blackbirdsbeak · 29/04/2018 19:38

I think you are very wise.

elQuintoConyo · 29/04/2018 19:40

I have one, always have done.

But i'm not in the UK and didn't marry in the UK. Whatever we brought to the marriage we take back with us in the event of a split.

JudgeRulesNutterButter · 29/04/2018 19:41

I would think of it as the kiss of death for my relationship to actually plan “bail out money”, yes. I find it very hard to see how that’s compatible with a mutually trusting relationship.

That said, I think personal savings are perfectly healthy/rational. DH and I put all our money in a joint account and pay ourselves the same amount into our personal accounts. That gets used for anything personal and non-trivial/non-essential (eg a night out without the other one). So I have my own money, but if I felt it necessary to be saving it purely as a potential escape route, I can’t imagine our marriage would be in a good place.

CoolCarrie · 29/04/2018 19:43

No it’s not wrong at all. My great aunt who lived though 2 world wars, worked as a ladies maid in the US in the 1930, and married a wonderful man always said to me “ A woman must have a running away fund”. When she died in her 92 year she had left me her “running away fund “ in her will, and I stil have it years later. No one known just what life can throw at us, so it would be wise to have money, that is all yours.

Original poster
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 29/04/2018 19:44

Perhaps bailout fund wasn't the best word to use, I was just thinking of all these threads where women are warned to have one.

I don't see it as that all, just some personal savings I keep for me in case something bad happens in the future that requires them / for me to live off when I am too old to work (as I can't see there being a state pension) And one of those bad things could be the ending of a relationship, but I can't see that happening at all.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 29/04/2018 19:53

I don’t, but I take responsibility in knowing I own half the house and what’s in the bank accounts etc, which are nearly all joint. I do our finances, while inconceivable that my dh would cheat on me the possibility he could fleece my financially is even smaller than that by an order of magnitude.

Ekphrasis · 29/04/2018 19:55

I've never seen it like that but I have a rainy day pot of savings and we both have bits of money we d invested - they're seen as joint but in reality are our own.

We have individual bank accounts and a separate joint account which we pay different amounts into - I was earning way more than Dh once and we worked out a percentage type thing of how to pay in. Dh was earning v little when he first set up his business so I put the most in. Then it swung round when we had a child and his business got going to him putting more in and generally paying for most things as I went more than part time and lost a couple of extra bits due to demotion.

When we met we had both recently bought flats. Due to the crash we ended up keeping them, Him initially moving in with me and then renting them out when we bought a house jointly. But in reality we both openly said we felt safer knowing we had those flats to return to if needed. Eventually the flats have become long term 'investments' which we will sell one day in the future or if anything terrible happened.

I think we've always been quite realistic about the fact that marriages end, although actually in our heads we're both in it for the long term. Financial things are always talked about with long term plans in mind.

We've been through some tough shit too; we probably should/ could have ended it at one point, but it was our own shit and in all honesty in between the shitty bits we'd still talk about long term plans which is a bit Confused but I think deep down we knew it was just a temporary shit storm. He was a bit of a bully at times and mn helped me recognise a few things that I pulled him up on and he changed them. I also pulled myself up too. Couldn't have survived an affair though.

Dh seems to be aware of how my finances and career are on hold and potentially stagnating (though he also thinks I'd be happier not working which is probably true but I mostly like what I do) - at the same time it's a career I could quickly step back into (though was exhausting and I don't think he'd think it would be beneficial for the kids for me to be full time as well as him if we did split up).

Ekphrasis · 29/04/2018 19:58

counselors recommend separate accounts plus a household account that both contribute a percentage of their income to cover expenses.

I'm pretty chuffed we worked this out ourselves!

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 29/04/2018 20:01

You don't have to think of it as a bail out fund, but, a personal emergency fund.

DP and I are shared finances - in fact, he couldn't care less, he has a credit card and a bank card, and as long as they work when they're put in machines, he couldn't care less - and it works fine, because neither of us are big spenders.

But I have a house and business in my sole name, I know that if anything happened to us or him, I have both a career to support us, and a place to live for me and the kids (we've got assurance on both of us too), and when it comes down to it, it's his lookout if he can't be bothered to ensure the same (I've spoken to his mum instead, just in case of the worse, so she's broadly aware of what we have in place).

There's nothing wrong with either of you having emergency funds, if he doesn't have one, that's his lookout.

Doobigetta · 29/04/2018 20:05

The AIBU obsession with "family money" makes my mind boggle. I'm in a very happy, stable relationship and I trust my partner absolutely. Our finances are roughly equal- similar monthly incomes, similar savings- but we would both be absolutely horrified by the idea of joint finances. I wouldn't even consider it, not for a second. We don't even have a joint account for domestic bills- he pays them, and tells me how much my half is each month. He'd probably like to talk me through the breakdown of it in great detail, but I'm not sufficiently interested. I trust him not to rip me off, and he trusts me to pay my share. Other joint ventures- holidays, nights out, household purchases- we split or take it in turns to cover. If one of us feels we've paid more than our share, we check statements and even it out. We never question each other's personal spending- there's no need.
So no, I don't think you'd be untrusting or showing a lack of faith in the relationship to keep some of your money for you. I think you'd be crazy not to.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/04/2018 20:22

I think I remember the thread you are talking about.
It was dire.

I think either party should be sensible enough to have enough funds to support themselves and children for long enough to secure a home and income.

I’m a higher earner and I would not even entertain the idea of living with some bloke unless I knew he had sole access to enough to support himself on for several months.

Part of loving someone is protecting them either from you or in the event of you being incapacitated

bd67th · 29/04/2018 22:04

@itsallgoingtobefine

^There will probably be people who'll say that the mere fact that you're even thinking about a bail-out fund means your relationship isn't the secure and loving one you say it is

In a nutshell, that was what I was worried about. Does even thinking about this mean that the relationship is doomed on some level etc.^

No, it means that you are staying because you want to stay, not because you can't afford to leave. I've been in a relationship that I couldn't afford to leave, he raped me and it took months after that to be able to get out. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.