Is it wrong to have a bailout fund when you are in a stable loving relationship?

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

On the one hand it feels really disloyal, that you don't love or trust your partner. On the other hand you read so many threads on here where women are ditched completely out of the blue.

I do have some funds stashed that are "mine" , but this seems to go against what everyone says about the importance of "family money" and "joint finances".

I'm kind of torn on this one, and interested to see what others think?

As a background we aren't married, and have a DD. I have some money from inheritances (a very sizeable chunk of which has been used to bail out DPs business on occasion). Not on lease/deeds etc.

Ah yes, I have one - i call it my Fuck Off Fund. I feel secure knowing it's there in the background if needed. Nothing wrong with it imo

It sounds to me like you have a cocklodger or irresponsible man child who isn’t even prepared to give you the legal security of marriage as protection for your child: it’s not about bail out fund it’s about self esteem and valuing yourself. Why are you bailing him out rather than expecting him to operate like the adult he is?

No.

Always have recourse to something in your name - ideally savings, but even a high-value credit card is useful.

Life is funny, people are funnier. Always be prepared to stand on your own feet.

As an aside, if we did get married, would the default be that all money/assets would belong to both of us?

Strictly speaking no, if you can 'prove' x amount is yours, however, it does all get tangled up in the joint assets. Best advice, don't get married. You are not married now and already have a child together, so what is the point really?

It worries me that he has had several financial bail outs from you already, and that really says there is less likely to be a fair division of assets should any separation happen. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. Let's just say, I don't fancy your chances of a fair and reasonable split should you separate.

Keep your savings separate, and don't tell him how much, none of his business really. You need to protect yourself and your daughter.

We have joint money and we have our own personal money too. I save some of mine just incase. Not because I think he’ll fuck off but anything could happen.

No, no matter how much you love each other, it is NOT wrong to have a bailout fund. And try not to break into it for anything except bailout (if ever needed).

I was a sahm for five years when my boys were babies. Dh put equal amounts into my isa and his for every month of that time. His words were I want our marriage to work because we want it to, not because one of us doesn't have a choice.

There are so many reasons for both partners to have individual funds.

Nope, having money saved for an emergency is always a good idea if you can manage it. Having to bail out on a partner is one reason, but there are others too. If you never use it then great, it becomes part of your retirement plan. If you need it then it's there.

Mumsnet! Mumsnet told me that it wasn't fair / was untrustworthy to hide money away, that all money should be shared family money etc

Mumsnet is wrong in this case, then! Was this AIBU? Sometimes I think people there just enjoy being contrary, regardless of the OP's question.

A joint account or credit card for some shared expenses is fine in general, but if you think your DP is useless with money then even that might not be a great idea.

A lot of people also don’t understand that money in a joint account is not owned 50/50. It is all owned by either of you. Your partner can legally transfer all the money into an account solely owned by them, subject to any transfer limits ( in practice v few people have these). If you’re married and the partner hasn’t spent it then the judge would take a dim view, but if you’re not, there’s not much you can do about it.

I have my own savings account, so does DH. We also have joint savings and a joint current account, and personal current accounts for individual fun spends. Everything gets paid into the joint current a/c and we divide up the fun money equally.

I don’t really see it as an escape fund, but I think it enables me to see the relationship in terms of ‘is this good on its own merits?’ rather than there being a strong financial pressure to make it work regardless of ROI.

I work in financial services so have seen first hand the mess that can come of joint finances in a separation. I’m also divorced and have personally experienced it. Having your own personal savings is never a bad idea - although worth bearing in mind they may still be considered an asset of the marriage if you split.

It's a necessity in my opinion - if one has to leave one never knows what the reaction of the ex will be plus they often freeze joint assets.

It's essential to have one's own cash/home/reserves if at all possible, preferably not in your name but through a trust or business so it's insulated from any financial settlement in the event of separation. And don't disclose to the partner ever.

Don't listen to those who say not - they have never walked in DV and financial abuse where joint assets are weaponised.

We have everything in joint names but I have an ISA with several thousand pounds (enough for kids and I to live frugally for 6 months). DH also has some inheritance in his name.

I am also extremely lucky to have my parents alive, young and involved in our lives who would help in any way possible. My mum left a violent marriage before I was born and we have always been able to discuss openly what precautions to take based on her experience.