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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

I want to write a letter to my mp about how as a rape survivor i feel about self id

75 replies

Stormwhale · 18/03/2018 09:14

I will be including a descriptive section about my recent smear test, how I cried through the first 15 minutes of the appointment, then disassociated to get through it. I think I would have ended up admitted to a mental health ward if I had not had the choice of having a biological female doing the procedure. I will go into detail.

I will also be writing about my experiences with sexual harassment and violence from men. I will be stating how these incidents and the rape affect me day to day and how the safe spaces such as toilets, changing rooms, showers enable me to live my life as close to normal as possible.

I will be balanced and state that I know not all men are threats, but as a rape survivor the fear of it happening again is hard to cope with. It is nearly impossible to deal with at times when I feel vulnerable, such as intimate examinations or times when I am undressed. The feeling of being exposed is what I struggle with the most as the rape left me feeling there is something wrong with my body.

I have had years of therapy, but the residual fear will never leave me, neither will the distrust. I need safe spaces so I can live my life. The only other option is never leaving home again and ignoring any intimate health problems (which if I'm honest I tend to anyway to stop the panic attacks associated with intimate examinations.)

If you have any key points I should add in, I would appreciate the input. I want the letter to hit home hard.

It is fresh in my mind as the smear was last week, and I am only just returning to some semblance of normal. I have also had a couple of other triggering events recently and am finding I need the safety of women only spaces more than ever. Any help is much appreciated and I'm happy to post the completed letter once I am finished.

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 18/03/2018 09:22

Thats a very brave thing to do.
Most people who support self ID believe there are exemptions for some women's services. I think you need to stress that there are no exemptions permitted.

Not only that but practically, self ID means it will be left up to women to challenge every person that looks like a man, one by one. Thats unfair on everyone, and unsafe.

Trans people need their own spaces and services.

Pratchet · 18/03/2018 09:24

That's really courageous. Thank you for sharing your horrific story to help others.

IndominusRex · 18/03/2018 09:28

That's really really brave of you. Flowers

Stormwhale · 18/03/2018 09:36

I don't feel really brave. I feel sick and shaky, but the anger I feel is stronger. I am angry that it has come to this, that no one is seeing how this will change the lives of people like me.

I am going to write it tonight once dd is in bed. I can't write it when she is up because I will be all over the place afterwards.

OP posts:
changeypants · 18/03/2018 09:46

hi storm i am considering the same . (have name changed). in fact i've had 3 different drafts of my letter sat open on my laptop for a couple of weeks. but recently talking to someone about this did not go so well. my confidence has now just evaporated and i really fear how vulnerable this makes me feel after I have opened up about something.

i have already tried writing to woman's aid and included some very personal stuff. i got a fairly bullshit response with a little bit of stock empathy chucked in to make it more palatable. again, i felt i had not been heard at all.

i was really chilled to read the post asking for fundraising for what looks like a totally awesome charity providing voluntary midwives for pregnant refugees. i know this population and i know most of these women need females. yet this charity, funded partly by lush, doesn't feel able to use the equality act exemptions in its job descriptions.... self declared woman etc.

i have no problem with trans people and agree with greater representation etc (not at expense of women). what i struggle to articulate is that the experience of a trans woman putting themselves in the role of providing intimate care for me, without asking ME if it is ok, would be worse than being accidentally allocated a male nurse. the nature of my abuse involved a huge breach of trust, of somebody not being who they purported to be. i NEED the person doing my smear test to have empathy for me as a human, not to just view me as a hole they stick something up as part of their job.

i didn't come here to dissuade you i am sorry! i think i still will write to my mp. like you, my experiences have had extremely far reaching effects, many years later and despite good therapy.

good luck

Lemonjello · 18/03/2018 09:48

This is a very brave and powerful thing to do.

I did the same (although not to MP- to a different organisation). I needed a day off work after I did it because I was so all over the place. But even although it was incredibly difficult I felt proud of myself and that it was an important thing to do.

I would bear in mind that the reply you get back may knock you- mine did. Make sure you really look after yourself and pay attention to what you might need if that happens.

Lots of love and power to you xx

Stormwhale · 18/03/2018 10:02

Changey, you are bloody incredible and should be so proud. Whether you have sent it yet or not, it is so difficult and you are trying to do something and that is what counts.

I am almost expecting a neutral reply. Something along the lines of sorry that is your experience, but we have to support the needs of both groups. I just have hope that it might make them think.

I emailed him about the women in Ireland being able to access safe abortion. His reply was that it wasn't in his remit and it was not possible for him to stand against the rules in Ireland.

OP posts:
ReluctantCamper · 18/03/2018 10:03

I think it's worth referencing the incident last year reported in the Mail of a woman having a TIM attempt to perform her smear despite her specifically requesting a female HCP. I won't speculate about why she may have made that request, but I think we can all think of reasons.

Her GPs surgery chose to put her in a position where she either had to submit to be touched intimately by a strange man (I think we all accept that human beings cannot change sex, so this person was a man), or make a fuss and be branded a transphobe. This is just a small foretaste of what will happen under self ID.

You are very brave OP, and what you are doing is important. Flowers and admiration.

Pratchet · 18/03/2018 10:14

I'm full of admiration too, especially when you look at cowards like Leanne Wood and Stella Creasy, and smug jokers like Maria Miller and Maria Caulfield. It is absolutely shameful that vulnerable, abused women are having to speak up in this re-traumatising way precisely because they, women of power, will not speak up for you. You should be very proud of what you are doing, but it shouldn't rest on your shoulders. How dare they leave it to you, to do something they are afraid of.

ReluctantCamper · 18/03/2018 10:20

Damn well put Pratchet. I think it is the smug inaction of women in positions of influence that makes me most angry in all of this.

It's why the red mist descends whenever the WEP or any of their fucking useless founders are mentioned. Thank god Sandie Toksvig no longer presents the news quiz, it's my favourite thing on the radio.

womanformallyknownaswoman · 18/03/2018 10:21

I don't expose my abuse history unless I feel strong enough to take abuse - as that's the worse that can, and does, happen - indifference and trauma uninformed responses can provoke.

I'm very shocked to see Womensaid response was dismissive - was it trauma uninformed?? If so I would complain - that is bloody awful. Have you got a survivor led sexual assault service where you are? They would take on the Womensaid dismissiveness for sure cos it's not OK they not taking single sex issue complaint seriously. I do despair when services get funding from govt tied to "PC" policies - bring back the feminist survivor led services….

LangCleg · 18/03/2018 10:28

You are very brave, OP.

You could include a link to a study on Rape Trauma Syndrome (example: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2323517/) which emphasises the importance of a survivor being able to control her environment in order to fully recover and that she may suffer PTSD related to the male body (with body meaning including timbre of voice, bearing, etc).

HTH.

wrappedupinmyselflikeaspool · 18/03/2018 11:11

I wrote to my MP like that, outlining the abuse and rape Ive experienced and also the domestic violence. It seems unfair that women need to disclose to get people to think through self ID properly but I am already an ‘out’ rape survivor, so it wasn’t much of a stretch for me. I did receive a sympathetic response from my MP and also from his aide who works in our local surgery.

I would say if this feels too much for you and you are. It currently ‘out’ about your experience I would think carefully. You are not the sacrifice here. However if you feel strong then go for it. Our voices together will be louder.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 18/03/2018 11:16

It will be left up to women to challenge every person that looks like a man, one by one
It's worse than that; you risk arrest for hate crime in identifying a man trying to pass as a woman as a man.

Well done, op. Awful that what you're doing is necessary Flowers

Mouthtrousersafrocknowandthen · 18/03/2018 11:19

On now BBC 1 Sunday Politics, they are doing a piece on the self ID debate. The filmed Venice Allen at the House of Commons on Wednesday.

Pratchet · 18/03/2018 11:46

Was it any good

Fifi5000 · 18/03/2018 19:11

I’m sorry that you have to share all this to defend what should be an absolute given. I would add to your letter that you are not an extreme case and you are not unusual. At least 1 in 20 women in the UK has been raped and at least 4 times as many have been sexually assaulted.

Stormwhale · 18/03/2018 19:32

Fifi I'm writing it now and I will include that point. Thank you.

OP posts:
Stormwhale · 18/03/2018 20:09

Dear Mr Francois,

I am writing to you with regard to the proposed changes to the Gender Recognition Act and the movement towards people being able to self identify their gender. I would like to bring to your attention the possible effects of this change on women who have suffered trauma at the hands of men. I would like to preface this letter with the fact that I understand that not all men are a threat to women, and I also do not think that transgender individuals usually pose any threat to women.

I was raped when I was 17 years old. Unfortunately it was a violent rape, and has had a lasting effect on my mental health. I have also been treated awfully by men in relationships and experienced sexual violence from men in other situations. I have been groped in public places, repeatedly 'cat-called', even physically attacked because I would not let a man grind up against me in a night club, the list goes on. As i'm sure you understand, events like these cause post traumatic effects, which can be hard to cope with day to day. I have had extensive therapy, but unfortunately there are still situations that are triggering, and different scenarios that cause me problems. I would like to point out that I am most definitely not alone in my experiences. At least 1 in 20 women in the UK have been raped, and a staggering 1 in 5 have been sexually assaulted. These statistics may not even be close to the real figures as many women, myself included, are unable to report their attackers due to shame and fear of not being believed, or blamed for their attack.

I take a huge amount of comfort in the fact that women's safe spaces such as women only toilet facilities, changing rooms and showers at leisure centres enable me to be away from men at times that I feel more vulnerable. At the moment, if I were to encounter a man in the women's changing area or toilets, I would be able to speak to a member of staff and ask that he be removed. If self ID comes into practice, all a man would have to do is say he identifies as a woman, and I would not be able to ask them to leave. The man would not have to have been through any medical transition or even appear to be living as a woman, and any comment from me would be classed as transphobia. This is despite any effects this would have on me. I would be incredibly anxious and have to leave, and would likely suffer effects from this for a good few days afterwards.

I am also concerned that there seems to be no exemptions permitted for this policy, even if the man who is self identifying as a woman intends to perform intimate medical examinations or procedures on a female patient. I have recently had to have a smear test, which is an unpleasant and intimate procedure for most women, and a horrifying nightmare for women like me. Before the smear test I took a drug called Propranalol, in the hope that it would calm my anxiety for the procedure. I had sleepless nights in the run up to the test, and when I entered the nurse's room, I started to shake and cry. I explained my situation, and explained the test was necessary as I have been having health problems. It was only the thought of potentially leaving my daughter without a mother that forced me to proceed. I have not been able to have a smear test done since my first one, when I had a similar reaction. I sobbed through the first 10 minutes of the test, and then I think I disassociated from the situation as I do not really remember the rest. This is the effect of trauma from a rape.

If the nurse intending to do the test had been biologically male, but self identifying as a woman, there is no way I would have been able to have the procedure done. I would have had to leave, putting my health at risk. In a situation with a self identifying health professional, I would not have been able to say I did not want this person to do my smear test without opening myself up to accusations of being a transphobe. This is not just a hypothetical situation, as can be seen from this news story: www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-female-nhs-nurse-i-asked-for-came-with-stubble-83rq9p0gg

At the moment, I do not believe that the majority of transgender individuals pose a threat to my safety. The current process to obtain a gender recognition certificate is complex enough that it is likely to only be completed by true transgender individuals. If self ID is brought in, I believe that men who intend to harm women will use it as a key to gain access to our safe spaces and women only services. I am angry, and scared, because women are being silenced when they raise their objections to the proposed changes. These changes will have a huge effect on women like me. We will no longer be able to go to the toilet in a mostly safe environment, access women's only sessions at swimming pools, and shower afterwards in a place where we feel safe among many other things.

I implore you to stand behind women like me, and do everything you can to make sure that our safe spaces and services are protected. The effects of a rape are hard enough to deal with day to day, when I can't have my partner touch me, or when I can't see it is my daughter stopping me from moving, all I feel is the fear and the trauma. Those effects are nearly impossible to deal with in the situations I have described to you.

I have signed this petition: petition.parliament.uk/petitions/214118 in the hope that voices like mine are heard, but you have the ability to get the message to far more people than I do. Please can you support this cause. All it is asking for is women to be consulted. We just want the chance to explain how it will affect the most vulnerable among us and the real effects on our lives.

Thank you for your time.

Any comments? changes i should make?

OP posts:
Stormwhale · 18/03/2018 20:17

Lang I'm sorry I missed your post. I will add it in.

OP posts:
Starface · 18/03/2018 20:31

That is an excellent, dignified and humbling letter. Well done. I hope it gets the respect it deserves.

Stormwhale · 18/03/2018 20:31

Edited letter:

I am writing to you with regard to the proposed changes to the Gender Recognition Act and the movement towards people being able to self identify their gender. I would like to bring to your attention the possible effects of this change on women who have suffered trauma at the hands of men. I would like to preface this letter with the fact that I understand that not all men are a threat to women, and I also do not think that transgender individuals usually pose any threat to women.

I was raped when I was 17 years old. Unfortunately it was a violent rape, and has had a lasting effect on my mental health. I have also been treated awfully by men in relationships and experienced sexual violence from men in other situations. I have been groped in public places, repeatedly 'cat-called', even physically attacked because I would not let a man grind up against me in a night club, the list goes on. As i'm sure you understand, events like these cause post traumatic effects, which can be hard to cope with day to day. I have had extensive therapy, but unfortunately there are still situations that are triggering, and different scenarios that cause me problems. I would like to point out that I am most definitely not alone in my experiences. At least 1 in 20 women in the UK have been raped, and a staggering 1 in 5 have been sexually assaulted. These statistics may not even be close to the real figures as many women, myself included, are unable to report their attackers due to shame and fear of not being believed, or blamed for their attack.

I take a huge amount of comfort in the fact that women's safe spaces such as women only toilet facilities, changing rooms and showers at leisure centres enable me to be away from men at times that I feel more vulnerable. At the moment, if I were to encounter a man in the women's changing area or toilets, I would be able to speak to a member of staff and ask that he be removed. If self ID comes into practice, all a man would have to do is say he identifies as a woman, and I would not be able to ask them to leave. The man would not have to have been through any medical transition or even appear to be living as a woman, and any comment from me would be classed as transphobia. This is despite any effects this would have on me. I would be incredibly anxious and have to leave, and would likely suffer effects from this for a good few days afterwards.

I am also concerned that there seems to be no exemptions permitted for this policy, even if the man who is self identifying as a woman intends to perform intimate medical examinations or procedures on a female patient. I have recently had to have a smear test, which is an unpleasant and intimate procedure for most women, and a horrifying nightmare for women like me. Before the smear test I took a drug called Propranalol, in the hope that it would calm my anxiety for the procedure. I had sleepless nights in the run up to the test, and when I entered the nurse's room, I started to shake and cry. I explained my situation, and explained the test was necessary as I have been having health problems. It was only the thought of potentially leaving my daughter without a mother that forced me to proceed. I have not been able to have a smear test done since my first one, when I had a similar reaction. I sobbed through the first 10 minutes of the test, and then I think I disassociated from the situation as I do not really remember the rest. This is the effect of trauma from a rape.

If the nurse intending to do the test had been biologically male, but self identifying as a woman, there is no way I would have been able to have the procedure done. I would have had to leave, putting my health at risk. In a situation with a self identifying health professional, I would not have been able to say I did not want this person to do my smear test without opening myself up to accusations of being a transphobe. This is not just a hypothetical situation, as can be seen from this news story: www.thetimes.co.uk/article/the-female-nhs-nurse-i-asked-for-came-with-stubble-83rq9p0gg

After experiencing a rape, victims experience Rape Trauma Syndrome (which is clearly explained here: rapecrisis.org.za/rape-trauma-syndrome/ ). I wanted to bring to your attention this study: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2323517/ which emphasises the importance of a survivor being able to control her environment in order to fully recover and that she may suffer PTSD related to the male body (with body meaning including timbre of voice, bearing, etc). I hope this helps you to understand why the situations I have described are so difficult for a rape survivor.

At the moment, I do not believe that the majority of transgender individuals pose a threat to my safety. The current process to obtain a gender recognition certificate is complex enough that it is likely to only be completed by true transgender individuals. If self ID is brought in, I believe that men who intend to harm women will use it as a key to gain access to our safe spaces and women only services. I am angry, and scared, because women are being silenced when they raise their objections to the proposed changes. These changes will have a huge effect on women like me. We will no longer be able to go to the toilet in a mostly safe environment, access women's only sessions at swimming pools, and shower afterwards in a place where we feel safe among many other things.

I implore you to stand behind women like me, and do everything you can to make sure that our safe spaces and services are protected. The effects of a rape are hard enough to deal with day to day, when I can't have my partner touch me, or when I can't see it is my daughter stopping me from moving, all I feel is the fear and the trauma. Those effects are nearly impossible to deal with in the situations I have described to you.

I have signed this petition: petition.parliament.uk/petitions/214118 in the hope that voices like mine are heard, but you have the ability to get the message to far more people than I do. Please can you support this cause. All it is asking for is women to be consulted. We just want the chance to explain how it will affect the most vulnerable among us and the real effects on our lives.

Thank you for your time.

OP posts:
Bumblebzz · 18/03/2018 20:35

Flowers You are a very brave woman.

Stormwhale · 18/03/2018 20:43

Star and bumble. Thank you.

Weirdly I feel brave now. I didn't this morning when it hit me what I needed to do. I just felt sick and the adrenaline made me feel like I was in danger. I flinched a lot this morning.

Now I feel calm and determined.

OP posts:
ReluctantCamper · 18/03/2018 21:29

That's fantastic Stormwhale, so powerful. If it doesn't make your MP think then there's no hope frankly.