Bluestocking lock in!

[QuentinSummers]

Posted a whole thing on the last thread and it was locked!

Last thread here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3062013-The-Bluestocking-is-open-for-business
Here's my post replying to Moth
Thats an interesting article moth. Best not on the board or MRAs would be all over it!
I was wondering today, hopefully, if the news about darts getting rid of the girls means the overton window is shifting and maybe p0rn will become less acceptable?
If not all this hooha about F1 girls and the presidents club is just tinkering on the edges.

There's none so blind...

I get NAMALT - but there are other, new, longer acronyms going around that perplex me. Can anyone explain?

oh there are people around
I could post some of this in relationships but I feel more comfortable talking to you ....I hope someone can help with my rant....a 2 parter.

1. last night - I didn't try to start to a discussion about feminism with my friend, but she hasn't seen me for about 6 months and a feminist issue came up in conversation. I have, in the past, not bothered to hide my anger on these matters, but last night I let it rip!

and then she asked if anything had happened to me to make me so "anti men". I said to her no, but I just can't be bothered hiding these feelings any more and she got quite angry and said "are you saying all men are horrible?" and because I cba NAMALTing any more, well "maybe they are, as a class, as a group". She was FURIOUS. I reminded her that she's had some choice remarks to make about certain ethnic groups over the years, and has made those comments freely in front of me (I'm not from her group) and she said "well that' not fair! You know I have friends from xx group".

I wasn't even going to explain why potentially she could still be labelled as racist.

It didn't end badly but I don't do well with confrontation and this brings me to part 2...

2. I'm an introvert, I won't post this on relationships because I've been roundly attacked for it recently, but hopefully here others can relate. I'm increasingly finding it hard to maintain friendships with people I've known for twenty years - they are still talkative, bar hopping Londoners and I hate going out in London at all and only still live here for practical reasons.

I realised last night there's a couple of people I could do with letting go of completely because it's a chore to meet them and then they are such different personalities from me, I partly got worked up last night because I;m not designed to do long periods of socialising any more.

I don't know what to do about it. To be honest, if I moved away, there's a couple of people I;d say "oh yes we'll visit" but I wouldn't.

I'm not saying "I can't mix with anyone who isn't a feminist" but I am saying I find it hard to spend a large amount of time with people who think all the man/woman stuff is just bantz, and that you should feel flattered if you get a wolf whistle.

Thanks for listening, I will have a coffee now. I didn't even drink last night though with hindsight I might have been less ragey if I had...

*haven't in the past hidden my anger

sorry that was very long.

I think we are less people pleasing with age. We have also, hopefully, set up our personal space in a way that suits us, and are more reluctant to leave it. I keep a wary eye on it, because it would be easy to end up completely isolated which would not be a good thing. So, if I were you, I'd drop the ones who are hard work but make sure you keep at least a few! Maybe suggest meeting up in ways which are less stressful for you.

Yet another, there are a couple of longer ones I know...
Dfottfsof.
And one about never revealing the protocol of the secret service or some such.
Is it either of these?

picklemepopcorn "I keep a wary eye on it, because it would be easy to end up completely isolated which would not be a good thing. "

I'm increasingly beginning to think isolation would be a good thing. I was fascinated by hermits when I was little....then as a child I just stayed in and read....as a teen I discovered clubbing and became sociable...now I think I've gone full circle.

in the past, I didn't keep quiet to appease people, I just couldn't be bothered having an argument. I didn't realise that what I said would be so upsetting to her. I do sometimes wonder how MNers cope - occasionally you see posts saying their DH or DS doesn't understand why they are angry about certain things, I wonder what happens after?

do they live in a lot of resentment like my cousin, who regrets getting married but won't do anything about it? I don't know.

Isn't "Dfottfsof" completely unrelated to NAMALT? or we are talking acronyms generally? I thought the poster was saying there's a longer version of NAMALT around but maybe I misunderstood.

re meeting up in less stressful ways, it feels there's no good compromise when you live all over London - someone either has to make a journey at the weekend, usually a 90 mins each way door to door - or you meet somewhere after work and Friday isn't ideal but in this week was just unavoidable.

there's no such thing as a quiet bar or coffee shop now unless you join a private club or something.

I will start making a rule of no Thursday/Friday/Saturday nights though as it's too hellish.

sorry, third post on same thing....

When I have times in the calendar of not seeing anyone (rare because I normally feel I have to visit my parents weekly) I feel marvellous.

My parents did manage to go on holiday for 2 weeks earlier in the year so I used some annual leave, didn't put anyone or anything in the diary, and it was the loveliest 2 weeks I had in years.

however, crossing over into stuff we've been posting on the 90s thread....as a teen, I had a friend who would take other drugs but never ecstasy. His reasoning was "I can't take a pill that makes everything seem wonderful and then have to go back to reality the next day".

Now I could go on regular retreats, but then I'd just be more pissed off when dealing with real life.

As I also posted on Philosphy/religion, it has made me wonder if there are non religious orders, living in quiet communities.

after I retire, I will live as I please, but I might explode with irritation before that!!

I think living and working in London perhaps is the problem, I take back everything I said earlier!! I couldn't bear it, I'd need perfect isolation all the rest of the time.

Yes, I may have misunderstood the acronym query.

picklemepopcorn - ah! I sometimes think I should pre-state "live and work in London" before I rant on here

the friends who have moved out are absolutely overjoyed. To be honest Im in a outer zone so if I can stick in my local area I am okay. I might join the WI or something. One thing I have found with local friends is that they often want to trek to Central London though.

I have been lurking but had to reply re namalt annoyance. I got it a while back in a helping environment that deals with domestic abuse. Also in a related training situation. I know I struggle with it, I can't imagine having men in my life again....but these were people who should understand where my feelings come from.

We couldn't even discuss #metoo without relentless namalt.

I tried talking about this on a trans thread and felt misunderstood (suggesting abused women would be happy for men to work with them). I can't quite comprehend the lengths women go to to try not to criticise men.

I feel ranty without being able to explain it well. I hope it's relevant.

My experience has been that it's feminists (here, friends, feminist therapist) who have helped me to both hold my feelings about my experiences AND not hate all men.

@Chaosandchocolate "We couldn't even discuss #metoo without relentless namalt."

thank you for replying - it's all really stressed me out and I really appreciate responses.

this is exactly what my friend did last night, coupled with whataboutery. She has had her own bad experiences and just says "well, I'm strong! Women have to put up with this. I don't want men thinking they can't compliment women, we can't go into that territory".

she also said that there reason there's so much rape etc on TV is because women actors want to do it. I forgot to tell her there is now a literary prize for a drama/thriller that can sort itself out without resorting to violence against women as a way of drawing viewers.

I'm going to have to quietly try to withdraw from this friendship aren't I? She even said to me "has something happened to you recently, I am shocked you are talking like this".

you say "I can't quite comprehend the lengths women go to to try not to criticise men." Neither can I. It's extraordinary.

Yes, she sounds like an x friend to me!

Chaos, it's really sad that people who know better, still don't.

I am extremely sensitive to any tendency of men to be controlling, patronising, or just smug know it all sexist. When I feel it, I get very wound up. A lovely older man, who is none of those things, thinks I see sexism when it isn't there. It's like the opposite of rose coloured glasses! Or even, once you've seen it, you can't unsee It!

SpringNowPlease2018 i am very introverted & find visiting london so bloody stressful I can well imagine living there would leave me rocking in a corner. Can you look at ways to reduce your stress generally (assuming quitting london isnt possible)? Method of travel, how you spend you lunchtime, blocked out alone time in your day/week, does your house need some soundproofing, some mindfulness/meditation?

I'm hugely isolated BUT have 3 children with me almost constantly so I hope I will have the energy for new/more people when they leave home

I think your friend sounds like someone you used to know

@Waddlelikeapenguin

thank you.

I have tackled these things as much as I can....what's left is unwanted social engagements.....I am going to have to start understanding my own needs aren't I?

Re lunchtime, I no longer take it. I work near Coram Fields, you are not allowed there unless you have a child. 7 acres of green for a walk and no office workers permitted so I work through, leave early and avoid the evening rush hour. There's not much point going out to look at concrete. When I come home to my side, in summer, I walk in the park.

Yes, I think I will have to phase her out...I really want to be open minded but thinking that women "just have to put up with this" - it's borderline actually finding it a positive, does that make sense? She's quite cheerful about it when she talks of it.

I am going to get off my butt and have a nice long walk now
thank you so much for understanding, fabulous MNers

Spring I know some find myers-briggs intensely annoying. But I found it really helped me understand a lot about myself in terms of friendships. Of course it's not precise and not everything will fit but doing a bit of reading around was really helpful for me. It really made sense of my interactions. Sorry if it's not your thing - but might get you thinking about this friendship.
16 personalities

A walk will do more for you than personality tests! Enjoy your walk.

@SpringNowPlease2018

I am going to have to start understanding my own needs aren't I?
YES!

Just looked up Coram Fields wow what an amazing resource- I am stunned/horrified that adults cant enjoy it without children. I suppose there must be reasoning behind it but it seems really odd to me - children dont benefit from being kept apart from other people in my opinion. Also really sad that older people in particular wont be able to watch the children play.

10 min mindfulness at your desk? Or a guided relaxation through a bloody park

Maybe you need a longer term get out plan? Different office/working from home some days/move. Sometimes i think knowing the exit is there means we dont hunt for it iyswim

The borderline positive does make sense yes, close to being flattered by the (demeaning, negative) attention. Urrgghh.

@picklemepopcorn
What's Dfottfsof?

I get the NAMALT thrown at me a lot, it's like the stronger and more independent I am the more I need to be taken down a peg. Also im very happily single which apparently is disturbing for others. (Why?! I like a bed to myself damit.) It's exhausting when you feel as if you can't talk freely or be your full self and would make a reclusive life look all the more appealing. I think distancing yourself from this so called friend is a good idea SpringNowPlease2018 I hope the weather is as nice as it is by me today, I just got back from the park myself, enjoy your walk

I'm embarrassed now, waddle. It's 'do eff off to the far side of eff'. IYSWIM.

thanks pickle it's the do that confused me i think! It's "ye f the f off tae the far side of f" round here

Grey, thank you.

In terms of escape route, it's when I retire or when my parents pass, they are the only thing keeping me in London. I thought my friends were a factor but we can visit, parents aren't well enough to trek about.

I'm single by choice too, friend of last night hates being single and never believes me that I like it.

Meanwhile....the comments on the Ched Evans thread are so depressing.

Waddle, thanks for saying that about Coram Fields, I think it's discrimination but no one agrees. Well you're the first

SpringNowPlease2018 ahh it makes sense that this friend would be the type who hates being single from what you've also said about her. Life is to short for friends like that. Hope you have at least a few who are happily single or supportive of your choice.