I'm not beautiful...is that ok?

[TheHodgeHeg]

I'm having a dilemma about how to feel about my appearance and would love your opinions, as feminists, on this issue.

Like many women I struggle with low self esteem. When I look at myself in the mirror on a low day I see a spotty face, crooked teeth, big nose etc. etc.

I recognise that my pre-occupation with my appearance is, at least in part, a product of our patriarchal society which values beauty above every other characteristic in a woman. Heroines in books, films, TV shows etc are generally beautiful and sure maybe they're also funny and intelligent but beauty matters above everything. I'm sure this has skewed my perspective of myself.

My usual tactic when I'm feeling down is to tell myself that, no, I am beautiful, and think back to times when someone has complimented me. I'm not sure that this is productive though and I worry that it just perpetuates the cycle that beauty is absolutely paramount and a non-negotiable quality that a woman must have.

It would surely be better for me to accept that I'm not beautiful and that's ok. I accept other failings in my character and such failings don't rule my head as much as this one does (e.g. not being as funny as a comedian, as rich or driven as a CEO etc.)

I do find this attitude difficult to reconcile with how I'd parent any future daughter though. It really messed me up that my parents told me I wasn't pretty whilst praising the looks of my sister and other kids. But surely the philosophy that they were applying was what I'm trying to come to terms with now.

God, society (and my self esteem) are fucked up. I would want to tell any future daughter that she's beautiful but at the same time I want to break the cycle that beauty matters so much. I'm not sure the actions of one person in the face of overwhelming resistance from society is productive though. My parents actions were the opposite of productive for me and I think they've left me very confused.

Most women we think of as beautiful are beautiful because they’ve prioritised it and put in a fuck ton of effort and/or money.

Most of us could be beautiful if we were prepared to do this. I’m not so I’ll just amble along with my low maintenance hair, flabby bits and dull skin, prioritising things that do matter to me.

“Looking shit” is subjective though isn’t it.

I haven’t had my hair cut in 3 years. I don’t wear make up, i don’t get my brows or nails done. I am overweight, i wear practical, comfortable clothes.

I don’t think I look shit. Nowhere near it. I am clean and tidy and appropriately dressed for my job/life.

Personally, i don’t think the trend for fake tan, eyebrows/lashes, nails, hair etc looks great.

I don’t like the implications on these threads that if I don’t wear make up I look ill/pale/ungroomed/like i don’t care or whatever. Even if i do have bags under my eyes i don’t see why not covering them up means i look like shit.

I think you are right about prioritising looks in a way BUT it is also just how you are no?
I apparently still look " stunning" bare faced..

on’t pass comment on someone’s actual face and whether it looks better or worse today. I think it’s a bit rude to tbh

That was my point earlier. But apparently its “one of the saddest things” bluntness has ever read, to take a compliment as rudeness/insulting.

I feel like I could've written this post. I'm always looking in the mirror trying to figure out which part of me isn't right because to myself I look horrible, I then make myself get over it and decide I'm not that bad at all.
Then I see one horrible picture of myself and back to square one or I'll get ready for a meal out and think I look fantastic then I walk into the restaurant and see all these stunning women and I shrink back down and hate myself again.
I know I have issues, major issues, my mother never ever told me I was pretty but shed tell my brother that he was handsome and I think that it what started it all.
I tell my children that they are beautiful but more than that I tell them they are clever and creative and funny and witty etc.
They know that looks aren't important but I do feel like sometimes they will pick up on how I am with myself and that worries me.

Oh I see, sorry!

Yeah I don’t agree with Bluntness

I don’t think I look shit

I'm sure you don't, in fact I'm sure you look fantastic. My comment wasn't aimed at you. Or anyone else. I don't know what you look like. I don't know how anyone looks on here. I only know how I look. And yes I feel I look like crap if I'm overweight, poorly dressed, messy hair and looking knackered.

I still look ‘stunning’ bare faced.

Which presumably includes having lovely skin. Which you might have naturally, or because of a skin care regime you follow, or because of your diet etc.

I could have lovely skin, but I don’t because I don’t have a skin care regime beyond owning skin, and my diet is, um, sub optimum.

I think there are pros and cons. Id have liked to know what life is like being invisible in a way - I'm not and sometimes thats difficult.

Going back to the point about self esteem, if your self-worth rests on believing yourself to be better than others (relatively intelligent, prettier, whatever) there are 2 problems with this.

1. as soon as you have to engage with people who can trump you on your valued attribute (are prettier, cleverer etc) or you lose your claim to that attribute (e.g. by getting old) your self-worth is at risk

2. you're implicitly in competition with everyone all the time. That must surely be rather exhausting and bad for your relationships

Respecting and loving yourself and others for your shared humanity is the way to have lifelong, rock-solid self esteem

I can't look in the mirror because I find it so painful, I know I'm ugly I literally hate my face. I feel bad for my beautiful daughters that people might look at me and think that's how they will age. I do tell my daughters they look lovely, but I do debate it in my head. I don't want that to be how they value themselves but I also feel it gives them confidence. In fact if I don't think they look great I'm more likely to say " you look lovely " then they are shoulders back and out to face the world. I do also tell them I'm proud of their work effort , kindness etc it's not only looks. But they probably see how much I hate myself and that's sad.

I've got a face like a spot welders bench
[Shrug]
I'm 45
I've made my peace with it 😁

To those who are saying they feel like this, i would like to know what difference you think it would make to your life if you were "pretty"?
I bet not very much. In which case it's totally pointless beating yourself up over whether you are or aren't attractive enough.

Most of us could be beautiful if we were prepared to do this. I’m not so I’ll just amble along with my low maintenance hair, flabby bits and dull skin, prioritising things that do matter to me.
This is the myth that keeps so many women spending on makeup/hair etc
All the women I know look just as good without make up as with, they've just trained themselves to be used to their made up face and they think it looks better

You are never invisible if you are beautiful. Everywhere you go, people look. Honestly, they do. Oh, and lots and lots of women hate you . For no reason other than you are good looking.

*Most of us could be beautiful if we were prepared to do this. I’m not so I’ll just amble along with my low maintenance hair, flabby bits and dull skin, prioritising things that do matter to me.

This is the myth that keeps so many women spending on makeup/hair etc
All the women I know look just as good without make up as with, they've just trained themselves to be used to their made up face and they think it looks better*

This!

Men don’t think they look better with make up. They don’t feel the need to hide bags or think they look ill without it. Why do women?

I think women look better with no make up.

I never mentioned make up. But not being spotty, fat and with squint, yellowing teeth is always going to be considered more beautiful than being spotty, fat and with squint yellowing teeth.

And those are all things that can ameliorated with time/money/effort. And for both sexes, since you mentioned it.

I think women look their best when they're talking about something they're really interested in, looking at someone they love, laughing like a drain or doing something they've got nailed

And men for that matter

I think facial physical beauty is about bone structure. I don't know anything about different cultures' ideals of beauty but I do think there is something innately appealing about symmetry and certain proportions.

Other things are far more important than beauty. But beauty does influence people. It thus has power. And if you are not beautiful, you do not have that particular power. Though you may have many others!

Perhaps beauty is a double edged sword. It may influence your life hugely but there is no guarantee it will be, overall, for the best. Marilyn Monroe got into films because she was beautiful. She was insecure and unhappy though and probably died much younger than she would have had she not been in that industry.

Not sure I need counselling for trying to accept that I don't fit society's idea of beautiful Bluntness as for whether I think my own daughter is beautiful? She doesn't exist yet so I don't think anything of her appearance. If you read and understood my posts you would see that I speak about my future daughter (should I be so lucky). I'm considering the question now because I think it's a difficult one to answer and I want to be prepared to try and get it right. I'm not going to try and make the Harry Potter point again because you are, wilfully or not, completely missing the point I'm trying to make.

Re skincare, makeup, clothes, teeth etc the usual test of applying the standards to a man works pretty well. If it's basic good hygiene that you'd expect from any person then fair enough, if it's only expected of women then that's double standards. Although that's leaving aside the issue of consumerism which is increasingly targeting skincare and makeup at men.

I don't think my life would be any better for being beautiful. I have a wonderful partner and don't feel I could have done any better and at the end of the day I don't think my appearance has held me back. I just want to be beautiful (I also want to be able to hold a tune but that wish is much less overwhelming).

Bernard I sort of know what you mean about never being invisible as I live and work in an Asian country but am white. I often get stared at when I'm walking around, going for lunch etc and I feel (rightly or wrongly) that everyone in the office "knows" me as the only white person so I can't blend in or be anonymous if you see what I mean. It sucks and being invisible and unremarkable is far preferable in my opinion. I'd never thought about beauty in that way before but you're right, everyone recognised and "knew" the very beautiful woman in my office back in the UK.

Genghis you're right that it's not a competition. It's hard to step away from that competitiveness sometimes but probably healthier overall to do so.

Who's happier, someone who thinks they're beautiful, or someone who doesn't care whether they're beautiful or not?

I don't know Tei, you'd think they would be equally happy. Although the one who doesn't care would perhaps have a more stable happiness.

I genuinely think most of us feel that we’re not as attractive as we should be and lack confidence (and I say that as someone who is constantly hit on by men)! How we feel in ourselves doesn’t reflect the reality, it reflects our self esteem.

Shove over, MrsReynolds, so I can join you on the 'good face for radio' bench.

It does save a lot of angst about 'losing your looks' if no one ever considered you pretty/beautiful/handsome/striking in the first place.

Clean, clothed, comfortable - that'll do.

I get it, OP. I have two daughters (currently 14 and 10). I comment occasionally (positively!) on their appearance, because I don't want to look like I'm avoiding doing so, but much more often compliment them on things they have control over, and which actually matter.

I've always been average looking - not ugly, but not beautiful either. I do care about, and am interested in, my appearance - but in the context of what it says about me. So I'm not particularly interested in trying to look beautiful, but I am interested in having a style which I think represents who I am. Does that make sense?