We must stop apologising

[StealthPolarBear]

I've started a thread like this before but I've just been to a talk by three people, all asked as they're experts in their fields. It was really noticeable to me that the two men just spoke and when they'd finished they stopped. The woman's first and last words were "sorry".
I know I do it myself although I am desperate to stop. It is a female thing isn't it. We must stop apologising for sharing our extensive expertise!

There were only three people and one of them said sorry a lot. Hardly enough to base a theory on about the difference between men and women!

I am a woman. I don't think I've ever said sorry for expressing my opinion when I feel I know what I'm talking about because I'm professionally qualified. I might well say sorry before expressing an opinion I'm less sure about.

I notice it a lot and am wondering if others do. Glad to hear you don't.

Yes I notice this. I've just realised that a collaboration I'm involved in with a male colleague has taken 6 months longer to get off the ground than it should have, and nearly failed altogether, because of this sort of thing.

I said things like: "well I think that..." and "if we were to..." just because that's how I talk. Then he thought I wasn't very confident in the project and kept trying to give me 'get outs' and then that made me think he wasn't very confident in the project. It wasn't something either of us wanted to end up with sole responsibility for so we both nearly bailed out. That would have been a real shame because it turns out we're both really excited about it.

It's made me wonder what the hell else opportunities I might have lost along the way without even noticing

I've noticed this - and it's not made any easier by working with a lot of Americans and Germans who have a different style of communication from me and each other!

I've done my best to stamp it out in my written communication.

I can never tell what a British person means by "sorry".

Women apparently do apologise more than men: www.livescience.com/8698-study-reveals-women-apologize.html but it's because they consider more things need apologising for than men. Not because they are generally more apologetic.

The thing about couching your opinions in apology is to do with a lack of confidence I think.

Anyway sorry for starting this thread ;)
I really wanted to tell her. She was very professional and clearly very senior during the speech but the apologies and associated stuff at the beginning and end made her seem way out of her depth. I'm sure I'd get similar feed back and am consciously trying to change it.
Rule of thumb, if people have paid to hear you speak, they don't expect an apology.

I've started a thread like this before but I've just been to a talk by three people, all asked as they're experts in their fields. It was really noticeable to me that the two men just spoke and when they'd finished they stopped. The woman's first and last words were "sorry".

I do a reasonable amount of paid public speaking in my specialist field. I think it is pretty weird to start and end a talk that way.

I , and everyone else, will during a talk say things like "sorry this bit is a bit boring" or " sorry , due to time constraints I'll skip this bit but it is your notes"

If something goes catastrophically wrong a speaker would say sorry.

Yes, agree. I do think it's related to nerves but also the imposter syndrome (have I remembered that right?). Trying to lower expectations from the start. I speak at conferences and had a light bulb moment when I realised people had paid for this and didn't expect me to deliver a sub standard presentation. I had no intention to do so, so why apologise as if I did

But unless the time constraints are because of your actions (being late/leaving early) why are you apologising?

I've been asked to do this talk in 10 minutes shorter than the usual time so X, Y, Z can be found on your notes. Now let me draw your attention to A BC...

Yes exactly. apologise if it's needed but she (and others Inc me, this isn't meant to be about an individual) seem to do it from habit, or as I say to lower expectations

I apologise all the time because it seems like the right thing to do.
My DH only apologies if he has deliberately done something wrong/thoughtless/etc and sees no reason to apologise if his intentions were good.

This infuriates me frequently. I suspect there is a healthy middle ground somewhere however...

I am making a deliberate effort not to apologise. For me it comes from imposter syndrome I think. I’m having to give high level briefings and I’ve had to up my self esteem and I know that I tend to do myself down, instead of just acknowledging my knowledge and expertise.

I do lots of public speaking and consciously avoid this. I keep catching myself writing 'Just' in work emails though (Just a reminder/ Just to let you know) - then deleting it.

@AppleKatie I would try and make sure that you aren't apologising for your opinions/thoughts/input/effort etc or for your presence.

I'd give up trying to change what your DH does, but I agree that not apologising for an unintended mistake/consequence is wrong. Good intentions sometimes aren't sufficient.

Will be on the lookout for just too. That sounds like me

You're right @assinatedbeauty apologies are a minefield. I wonder if this is a uniquely British cultural gender inequality?

My dp always comments when I ring him, he answers and I say "It's just me" or "It's only me"......

I do that too Bertrand, as does my mum, when we're on the phone to each other it's a nightmare

I apologise all the time because it seems like the right thing to do.
My DH only apologies if he has deliberately done something wrong/thoughtless/etc and sees no reason to apologise if his intentions were good.

This infuriates me frequently. I suspect there is a healthy middle ground somewhere however...

I got told off last week by a more senior woman for apologising too much. I feel like I annoy people by speaking so then I say sorry. Need to break the habit but it's hard

Sorry, I do it all the time

I have female family members who do it all the time and I have mentioned it to them and also tried to stop myself doing it.

I've noticed, also, that women often smile when there is nothing to smile about in what they are saying.
It's a way of trying to make themselves acceptable.
When does a man ever think about that?

The thing about couching your opinions in apology is to do with a lack of confidence I think.
That's one explanation. Another is that women (I at least) don't wish to come crass as too confident and strong as that undermines society's notions of femininity and coming across as unfeminine can be perceived as undermining one's attractiveness and hence power. What I am trying to say is that presenting yourself in a confident and non-apologetic, empowered way could be seen as unfeminine,at least when you feel you are physically not typically attractive. I do this. I am quite confident but downplaying my confidence routinely.

Also, I am highly educated and professionally successful but suffer from impostor syndrome.