We must stop apologising

[StealthPolarBear]

I've started a thread like this before but I've just been to a talk by three people, all asked as they're experts in their fields. It was really noticeable to me that the two men just spoke and when they'd finished they stopped. The woman's first and last words were "sorry".
I know I do it myself although I am desperate to stop. It is a female thing isn't it. We must stop apologising for sharing our extensive expertise!

I pull up junior members of staff who say 'sorry' lots. But i do tend to couch statements so they are tentative, whereas DP and certain men at work are always very certain of what they are saying, however wrong they may be.

I agree with the general sentiment but would argue that it's a symptom rather than a cause. Apologising is what people do when they have low self-esteem.

There is obviously a problem with women (in general) having confidence issues when compared to equally positioned men. But I know men who do it, too. And, without exception, they're men with deep seated insecurities.

Hmm. I definitely don't have low self esteem but I am still conditioned to do this. I still don't feel qualified when I'm up there.

It can be very subtle, but I think it is endemic. I think it is a combination of trying not to offend, not wishing to be wrong, imposter syndrome, a learned deference to older men etc, just the socialisation we've really been on the receiving end if I suppose.

You end up saying things like, "I'm really sorry, I might be totally wrong or got the wrong end of the stick, but is 2+2=43 definitely correct?" whereas you should say, "2+2 does not equal 43. Please can you check your figures and get back to me?"

I am so so guilty of this and I hate myself every time I do it.

I do give myself a mental fist bump when ever I successfully avoid an unnecessary apology, which I am getting much better at!

I'm generally totally certain I'm right grin but I assume I'll annoy people even more by being right than I would if I were wrong
Yep!

Fair point.

Maybe the 'not feeling qualified' bit hits closer to home. Then again, I would argue that this qualifies as 'situational confidence issues'.

I don't do the apologising thing anymore, though I used to to pathological extents. I had the privilege of having a manager a few years back who got how this was hurting me and explicitly forbade me from apologising unless I judged the monetary value of the damage caused to exceed 50k.

I still credit that man with coaching me from 'talented nobody' to 'force to be reckoned with'.

I start sentences with 'sorry' a lot. Usually in a really sarcastic tone because I am in total disbelief at what someone has said to me aaaand I'm about to bust their chops for it.

Never apologise unless you genuinely have done something wrong. Otherwise it is a sign of weakness!

and the bloody 'girly' giggling which drives me batty...(I do the sorry thing sometimes but am becoming more aware of it and trying to do better)

I find I do this too much too, and am trying to stop. It's hard to change a lifetime habit overnight though.

I noticed something interesting in the church I go to. The deputy minister would always give a disclaimer at the start of her address, eg "these are just my thoughts on the issue, feel free to challenge or ignore as you see fit" but since she was appointed minister, she has stopped saying it. There is a general declaration at the start of the service now, but not specifically about her address which I find heartening. I don't know if it was because the previous minister in charge expected or explicitly told her to do this, or if it was something she did herself, but I'm glad of the change.

My director has banned me from apologising, unless I've done something which definitely warrants it, and expressing an opinion is not that. I have noticed since I've been making an effort to avoid saying sorry as basically a filler word, my actual line manager sees me as more aggressive in manner, because I'm not cushioning everything I say in words which suggest I should be ignored.

Also, we have started a Toastmasters group at work, and that makes you very aware of us and ers, filler words, crutch words, unnecessary apologies and so on. It does mean I also notice such things in others when they talk, which has split speakers a bit for me.

I prefix sentences with ‘I’m sorry’ when I don’t actually give a shit. Just an annoying habit.

I also find that cutting out all the "just"s and "actually"s and so on means it's a lot easier to see the point of my mail, be sure about what I'm saying/asking. There are apps which can help with this, but once you're in the habit, you start seeing it without prompting.

It’s fascinating. And there’s a big difference between speaking and writing.

I’ve said it on another thread a while ago, but using I think at the beginning of a paragraph conveys an opinion. If you take out I think, it becomes an assertion.

I think the reason why men are more sexist is...

As opposed to:

The reason why more men are sexist is...

I will often see several paragraphs in a single post all starting with I think, and mentally dismiss them because it’s ‘just someone’s opinion’.

And of course, I completely understand, that most people are proffering an opinion, but doesn’t alter the fact that it can dilute what they’re saying for the reader.

If you really think you are about to say something that might be controversial, but it’s just what you think, try adding, at the end of the sentence, ‘in my experience’, instead.

Although, again, this is used far too much. Even worse is ‘in my humble experience’, or in my humble opinion.

It’s tantamount to saying that your opinion is worthless.

And I’m not saying that I always think that when I read these things. I’m saying it conveys a self-deprecation that sometimes has the effect of undermining your point.

There was a fabulous Ted talk about language. And about how a few words can change the focus. So instead of saying women who suffer violence, say men who commit violence against women, etc.

Or course, it’s a lot harder when speaking because you have to think on your feet.

It does fascinate me. We’ve all been in a situation where amongst a group of, say, five people one person will always be listened to.

Trying to work out what it is exactly about that person that garners attention isn’t always easy. Because it’s not always about what they say.

Conviction is another trait that I have noticed. My son, when he is speaking, talks with such conviction, you buy absolutely everything he says.

It’s only because I’m his mother, and I know him very well, that I realise half time he’s talking complete bollocks.

In my humble opinion, obviously.

I am fairly 'arrogant' and confident in my speech patterns when I'm facilitating and lecturing. I do know what I'm talking about and I want other people to know that fairly quickly. Mostly so we don't have to go through the inevitable , "but I thought that..." by older men (generally) because they assume some vague thing they heard is likely to be more accurate than my actual knowledge.

But I really don't like this. I do it because I know it works. Because I sound about as arrogant and confident as fairly young and unknowledgeable men in my field. They all sound like they know what they are talking about, even when they don't.

Instead of telling women to stop apologizing, modifying and placating, why aren't we telling men to do more of it? Because the world would be a better place if we were a lot nicer. Why do we want to turn women into men rather than men into women?