Do you think you can be a feminist and a stay at home parent ?

[user1492337624]

Wondering what your views are on this ?

Hope so - I am.

Yes you can. Being a feminist is about being able to make the choices you want to make without being constrained by your gender. It isn't about having to go to work if you don't want to.

I am and I even consider myself a bit of a rad fem.

No, the only way to be a proper feminist is to be part of a system that was designed by and for the convenience of the patriarchy.

/sarcasm

I was. It was the thing that radicalised me. I'm now working part time

Yes. Bringing up children is an important job, though devalued, because it's traditionally women's work. You will have plenty of opportunities to battle the pinkification of childhood.

My mother was a SAHP until we were at secondary, but among the reasons I'm a feminist is because I grew up with books like the Female Eunuch around - I had no idea what it was about as a child, but it became part of my childhood by being on the shelf, and so I read it when I was older. We also had family conversations about women in the workplace, gaining the vote, going to higher education, things like that.

Feminism is / should be about women having equal rights and choices to choose how they want to live their lives. The pendulum has swung too far the other way now and many people look down on women who make a choice to stay at home or allow their child to be a pink princess if that is what they want.

I consider myself to be a rad fem and I was a sahm for a while and now work part time only. However I think it makes you incredibly vulnerable and does limit your choices. So I think it's important to talk about the implications of this in terms of feminist choice.

Sure. Unless you're a man in which case technically you'd be a feminist ally. seriously, I think that may be the point - it should be equally ok for parents of either sex to make the choices which best suit their situation.

Of course you can! It is all about having choices not being told to do this or do that.

I seem to be managing. I've even taken it to the extent of using my SAHP privileges to enable me to HE my DC so I can spend more time challenging the patriarchal messages they get from the rest of society. There may be other reasons we HE too...

Yes, though I agree with Birds.

However I think it makes you incredibly vulnerable and does limit your choices. So I think it's important to talk about the implications of this in terms of feminist choice.

Yeah. As a feminist, I'd think twice before making myself that vulnerable, because as feminist, I know exactly what the risks are.

Yep. Ultimately someone has to look after any child - it can be the mother, father, wider family, or someone who is paid to do it. I don't think choosing to do it yourself rather than paying someone else to do it is a feminist issue key word being 'choosing' - you have the choice!

Of course.

Of course you can.

The key is choice. If this is something you choose, both initially and as an ongoing way of living, then there's no problem at all.

To be forced to be a sahm is an issue
To be expected to be a sahm is an issue
To be kept short of funds is as issue
To be prevented from accessing the workplace if you want to is an issue.

In a wider sense, the vulnerability of a sahp is an issue, however for the individual family it can be a choice that works and I don't think being a sahm is incompatible with being a feminist.

It is an unfortunate reality that the non earning partner is more vulnerable financially as they exit the labour force of paid work. For that reason, either marriage or an iron clad lockdown of finances is wise for any partner giving up a job to become a sahp. I agree completely with birds saying that this needs to be talked about and understood. I find myself loathe to promote marriage because I think there's a lot you can criticise it from a fem POV- BUT right now marriage is the easiest way for the financially more vulnerable partner to protect themselves, so it's the best option we have (honestly never thought that would be my opinion, hey ho...)

Would I become a sahm? I'm not sure. It's something we have discussed as I think at some point dh is going to be offered a much more senior post which will require a country move. I'm not keen - I have seen a lot of people get divorced recently which no doubt colours my view but in every single divorce the woman has come off worse, financially and emotionally, as every single man has behaved like an utter twat when it came to division of assets and maintenance.

I think it's something that can work and does work, IF you have a solid relationship and you go in with your eyes open. Or your own money.

Yes of course you can. I dont know any feminist who would say otherwise.
The fact it could make you vulnerable to financial abuse, or the scapegoat of your government is a potential problem. But thats a problem for society as a whole to tackle.

Interesting this Q is always about always SAHP, not pimp or pornographer though.

Or rather can you be a feminist if you voluntarily (and the 'voluntarily' is very important) put yourself in a position of financial dependence?

If feminism is all about choice and if financial dependence restricts choice - where does that leave you? (Answer: I have no idea).

Of course you can. However it's important to recognise that the choice has not been made in a vacuum (how much have you been insidiously conditioned from birth that a mothers place is at home, if your partner is male, do you earn less than them?) and be aware that you need to make provision for something going wrong

You can still be a feminist, but I don't think it is a feminist choice.

Yes. It is not a feminist choice, and needs a lot of thought and negotiation, but yes you can.

I think so.

However wait until about 6pm when the working parents get home, because they will tell you it's not possible and you are setting a terrible example to your kids (plus other insulting things).

I do think beyondlimits has it right when she talks about choices not being made in a vacuum though. With hindsight I have made many choices in my life that I would not have made if I were born male - so much so, I'm not even sure they can be defined as choices.

And I am sure I will get shot down for this but I don't think that unless you have experienced being a sahm that you can actually really understand how vulnerable it makes you. It's not just about lack of earning power if things go wrong, it's about the division of labour in terms of the housework/kids, it's about so many things that I am not sure I can express it adequately. Feminism is about choice indeed but if a choice then utterly limits your choices, and if that first choice tends to be predominately made by women well in terms of feminism that concerns me. Got myself tangled up there with too many "choices" but I know what I mean

Theres the 'ideal' choice we would make in a vacuum and there's the 'choice' we actually get, which may not be the same choice someone else is able to make.
With the cost of childcare in some places, they might not be able to afford to go work.

In my case I chose to become the sahp because it was - and I still agree with my decision - the best solution for a set of very difficult circumstances. But I agree that it has made me vulnerable. The big problem is society view especially in the world of work. I want to go back but many doors seem to be closed.