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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

What's wrong with being a SAHM?

461 replies

Roseandlily · 02/08/2017 08:48

I am not a feminist (I don't think). I currently earn more than my partner but when our baby is born I will be a stay at home mother. I love the idea of striving to be the best mother, home maker, having the tea on the table for when he gets home stuff. I love the idea of it all. But when I talk to people and they ask "oh what's your plan, how long to you plan to take off work?" And we both say I won't be going back and this will be me at home for say the next 10years give or take.

I would like to add that we would like to have 3 children so I will be at home until the last child starts school.

I don't care about amazing holidays we have done that :) or fancy cars, both had what we wanted and now have got sensible cheaper cars. We are married and have a lovely home.

What do feminists think is so wrong with this? And why do people make me feel weird about this?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 03/08/2017 10:34

I didn't say the main benefit of WoH was financial, I said the main DIFFERENCE was. IMO.

NataliaOsipova · 03/08/2017 10:35

(....last point obviously not aimed at you, GetaHaircutCarl - sorry if it read that way! A purely general point with which I hope you will agree.)

Loopytiles · 03/08/2017 10:37

Good childcarers can do a lot. One of my DC has speech/language problems: her CM did a fantastic job in helping with this, she read up on it, used her skills. This and her other experience helped her get a job in a special school.

If I was paying top whack for a nanny I would definitely want them to assist with DCs' education.

claritytobeclear · 03/08/2017 10:42

Good childcarers can do a lot.

You sound fortunate with your childcare, Loopy. Not everywhere has such a good choice in high quality, flexible, affordable childcare. It's probably why a growing number of Grandparents provide childcare whilst their children work. But that is not always an option for various reasons.

GetAHaircutCarl · 03/08/2017 11:00

natalia its true you really don't know what's an imperative part of parenting and what's not.

Certainly not at the time. So many things intersect. And even with hindsight it's hard.

With my DC now having left school and about to turn 18 very soon, DH and I have tried to analyse what we've done right not least because people keep asking, but it's not that easy. Some things are self evident but mostly not.

Butterful · 03/08/2017 11:41

A lot of people are talking about what's best for the children. What about what's best for you?! Don't you count? Have you spent 30+ years developing yourself to just throw it under a bus? What a waste! Why don't you value yourself more. Since when do the kids matter more than the parents in a family? A relatively recent phenomenon.

claritytobeclear · 03/08/2017 11:59

Butter,

What a waste! Why don't you value yourself more. Since when do the kids matter more than the parents in a family? A relatively recent phenomenon.

Why don't you value us, our opinions, more? Are you saying we love our children more, value our children more now, than in the recent past? Ok, but how can we 'turn that off'? Should we? Yes, parenting is up for much more scrutiny than years gone past but this is probably partly to do with feminism. Prioritising children over men. So we should prioritise women more. But does than mean we can ignore the needs of our children? I can bet your bottom dollar we'd then just be accused of neglect.

FlaviaAlbia · 03/08/2017 12:00

I don't follow your logic butter

I keep hearing how the priorities of famines have changed. Can you give some examples? Because one parent not working to take of children isn't new.

SaintFrancis · 03/08/2017 12:02

Qualifications are useful beyond employment because knowledge hugely enriches your own life, never mind anyone else's.

The other thing about working when you have small kids is that it is a whole load of extra stress. I want to enjoy my life at much slower pace.

Bluntness100 · 03/08/2017 12:03

There are so many threads which demonstrate the risk. There is a new one today, sahm mum whose husband has just ended it via phone and one of her very first thoughts was " oh god I'm going to be skint" and to work out benefits. It clearly demonstrates the risk.

Llareggub · 03/08/2017 12:06

Staying at home with the children is all very well and good until your marriage goes tits up and you need to support yourself. I am very grateful that as a lone parent I was able to earn enough to support my children alone. Never give up your financial independence. People never think bad things will happen to them, but they do.

Mollyboom · 03/08/2017 12:09

I am a feminist and a sahm. This was a mutual decision because myself and DH both had v stressful jobs which couldn't be maintained with small children. We tried and it put enormous pressure on the household. However I have my own opinions, I retain my own name I partake in activities and sports which are male dominated. But, I would find it difficult to return to work at the same level should I need to so maybe deep down I do feel as if I have forsaken something and am a little bit vulnerable.

ZooLanePetCorner · 03/08/2017 12:33

I wouldn't say it's impossible to have 2 parents working full time plus, travelling and steaming ahead at work whilst giving their children all needed attention, but it is harder for both parents than having one parent cut back and focus on the children. Which is clearly why few parents choose to have both people working ft. There are so many more things to juggle with both parents working full time.

I've found good quality childcare through nursery and primary very hard to find, there is an awful lot that keeps children entertained and that's about it. I tend to agree with natalia too - I had one nanny that used to put tv on as a constant backdrop, another that regularly talked to my dc about bingeing on things.

My elder dc had 2 horrible accidents at holiday clubs - the least serious involved her (fortunately baby) teeth being sheered off.

Perhaps I've had bad draws on childcare but I try not to judge other people's choices and hope for the same. There's also no promotion or pay rise without additional pressure...

ZooLanePetCorner · 03/08/2017 12:35

I agree carl the mistakes are hard to identify when you're making them. We usually avoid the ones we are cognisant of.

Batteriesallgone · 03/08/2017 12:50

Since when do the kids matter more than the parents in a family?

I'd hazard a guess it's since children stopped being an inevitable and often inconvenient consequence of sex, and started being actively planned and wanted. Yes the pill was invented in the 60s but it's only much more recently than that that most women have easily and conveniently had a range of contraceptive options open to them.

Once children became something planned and desired for most of society the shift towards them being prioritised was somewhat inevitable. After all why go through all the hassle in the first place if you aren't going to make them a big deal.

gillybeanz · 03/08/2017 12:54

I totally agree with Natalie

There isn't a childcare worker who could have offered my dc the opportunities they have had if I had decided to work.
I'm not suggesting all parents should put their children first, but it's the decision we made.
The flexibility of being able to come and go as we pleased and our dc not restricted in the decisions they made from an early age have made me far happier than any career or job.
For us the best possible outcome, especially for dd who is set for life now.

AvoidingCallenetics · 03/08/2017 13:05

Butter, I don't consider that I have thrown myself under the bus!
For the most part, I like my life. I accept that it comes with risks, which I have attempted to plan for as much as is possible. But life is risky. I also totally acknowlwdge that my choices were not made from a completely level playing field.
That said, I have really loved sah. I'm not generally bored, I don't feel I lack mental stimulation. Obviously not every day is a thrill a minute but neither was working ft. I enjoy my days far more now than I did when I had a horrible day coming up at work. Not all jobs are wonderful and enriching.

As a good parent, yes I do consider my children's needs to be a priority. But sah was about what I wanted to do, the way that I wanted to parent. I had access to lots of family support and free childcare in the form of my lovely parents, my dc would have been just fine if I'd woh for longer (I did when dc1 was small). However I wanted to sah - I missed being with them more than I valued my job, I suppose.

Batteriesallgone · 03/08/2017 13:49

My identity was never linked to my career choices, I think that made it easier for me to SAH. I have a friend who is a doctor - I think if I'd gone through all that relentless training I would feel I couldn't possibly give it up to SAH. Different careers aren't comparable in the amount of sacrifice in giving them up or how difficult it would be to earn at that level again.

Trouble is threads like this often get dominated by WOHMs who are very qualified / successful, which just doesn't represent society. Work is a hierarchy, most of us have and would populate the lower levels of careers not necessarily the upper echelons. The career sacrifice is far less for people lower down the hierarchy.

Loopytiles · 03/08/2017 15:28

Have had mixed experiences with childcare: currently using after school care that isn't ideal, and have to squeeze in DCs' learning later on, or at weekends. Definitely was lucky with our CM.

Loopytiles · 03/08/2017 15:31

There is evidence that the career sacrifice applies at higher earnings levels too, eg recent reports onBBC and CEO pay

Painfulpain · 03/08/2017 15:39

SABLe here who have partners who support them financially, are entirely missing the point

It's a valid way to live your life/spend your time/run your family. The point is, that it leaves the stay-at-home-parent very vulnerable to being stuck in an abusive situation, unable to exit/support themselves.

It's great that it has worked out for you all. For so many women (and it is overwhelmingly women) it doesn't. It's a huge huge risk to take, based on love/faith/trust etc, with potentially horrific consequences

SaintFrancis · 03/08/2017 16:29

PP, some people know that and still think it is a risk worth taking though.

TheLuminaries · 03/08/2017 16:58

But why is it invariably women that have to bear the risk - that is the feminist issue.

SaintFrancis · 03/08/2017 17:02

Well, that is one feminist issue.

The greater one would be why society does not alleviate that risk by providing better safety nets for SAHMs.

RealNotImaginary · 03/08/2017 17:07

The greater one would be why society does not alleviate that risk by providing better safety nets for SAHMs.

Agreed, Saint. It is an issue that can feel almost impossible to discuss, though. Since there seem to be so much disapproval aimed towards SAHMs.

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