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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

What's wrong with being a SAHM?

461 replies

Roseandlily · 02/08/2017 08:48

I am not a feminist (I don't think). I currently earn more than my partner but when our baby is born I will be a stay at home mother. I love the idea of striving to be the best mother, home maker, having the tea on the table for when he gets home stuff. I love the idea of it all. But when I talk to people and they ask "oh what's your plan, how long to you plan to take off work?" And we both say I won't be going back and this will be me at home for say the next 10years give or take.

I would like to add that we would like to have 3 children so I will be at home until the last child starts school.

I don't care about amazing holidays we have done that :) or fancy cars, both had what we wanted and now have got sensible cheaper cars. We are married and have a lovely home.

What do feminists think is so wrong with this? And why do people make me feel weird about this?

OP posts:
ferriswheel · 02/08/2017 22:04

I agree/d with everything in your op. I'm now divorcing my stbxh for domestic abuse. I am a string professional woman. It is frightening how vulnerable you become as a sahp. Other than that I totally agree with your op.

NoLoveofMine · 02/08/2017 22:11

I stopped replying to you earlier in the thread claritytobeclear precisely because of posts like that where you argue against points no-one has been making.

Original poster
Roseandlily · 02/08/2017 22:11

I didn't want to say but I'm a nanny for a VIP family. I work between 70-90hours a week.

I can not wait to have my little one and do it my way, in the comfort of my own home and have no cameras or other staff members around. Having just one baby instead of 4 children!

I know it's still going to be hard but there are so many simple things that I'm looking forward to, be it watching tv because I haven't slept all night. I Can't do that, regardless if it my 6th night up in a row and still have to be Mary Poppins.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roseandlily · 02/08/2017 22:15

Ferriswheel- that sounds awful. How old are you children?
I do worry about the what ifs but That's what they are what ifs. I think maybe I need to make it so that if anything did happen then I'm secure.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/08/2017 22:23

Are you expecting to have the childcare side of things down pat because you're a nanny? Our nanny thought that, she says looking after her own child was nothing like looking after other people's and the fact that it was so much harder was a massive shock.

claritytobeclear · 02/08/2017 22:24

I stopped replying to you earlier in the thread claritytobeclear precisely because of posts like that where you argue against points no-one has been making.

My post refers to the topic of the thread, NoMine, which questions whether a woman staying at home to raise her children, instead of going out to work, is an 'unfeminist' choice to make. No matter how much you try to ignore my points, they are relevant to the OP.

And by the same logic, who was arguing this, following, which you posted?

If only women were still confined to the home and had no rights to own property, have bank accounts, work and so forth.

ferriswheel · 02/08/2017 22:29

My children are 1, 2 and 4. Honestly, I am/was? the hard as nails professional who whipped people into shape. Well, a bit anyway.

What cameras? A VIP? Diplomatic person or other?

And, yes thank you. Its been awful.

Original poster
Roseandlily · 02/08/2017 22:37

That is very tough!

The household I have worked in for the last 4years has got cameras and about 6 other members of staff within the household at any one time. It's not a normal nanny role. The children can go for month without seeing their parents, the youngest is still a toddler something I have never got my head around.

And yes I think I stand on better ground than those who know nothing about what to expect. I'm very good at what I do and not just because I'm skilled at it because it's so natural for me

OP posts:
ferriswheel · 02/08/2017 22:42

OK. So much haven't read the whole thread but honestly, and I've worked with other peoples kids for a looong time, it is so different from having your own.

Pm when you find out I'm right. You will find this out. It is as different as being a passenger on a plane as to being a pilot.

So who watches the cameras? I find that really creepy.

Reckon you should start to plan your own daycare centre.

turtlecreek · 02/08/2017 22:53

Clarity you are a genius. Your comments on this thread are inspiring.

claritytobeclear · 02/08/2017 22:55

turtle, thanks Blush

ferriswheel · 02/08/2017 23:04

Clarity, am off to read and be inspired.

ferriswheel · 02/08/2017 23:05

Actually, clarity, I don't understand what you mean?

peonie83 · 02/08/2017 23:09

I am a SAHM I wish I wish I had been a Mnetter before I made that decision.

I resent my DH so much. I resent the decision I made.

I hate the impact it's made on my career - or what was my career.

I hate that when I do go back to work I'll work around the kids as now DH who did at one time earn a 1/5 less than me now earns what I used to and I can't go back to it

Don't give it all up

claritytobeclear · 02/08/2017 23:14

Actually, clarity, I don't understand what you mean?

Can you be more specific, ferris?

EnthusiasticEdna · 02/08/2017 23:24

I consider myself a feminist. My husband made this choice to be a sahd and has never regretted it. He does all the housework, shopping etc as well. He finds it very rewarding but he is completely dependent on me, which is fine because I am totally trustworthy and will always respect him and his role in the family. But then I'm a woman.

Saucysausages · 02/08/2017 23:40

Has anyone mentioned pensions?

No way would I ever be a SAHM unless I had £150k min projected pension by age 68, ideally £250k

I'm paying 20% salary at age 33 into this - £1,110

How will you survive on £8k p.a potentially from age 68-95? Absolute nightmare

I don't see how any woman, other than those married to millionaires or with their own trust fund, can afford to be a SAHM.

If your DH goes you only get some of his pension. I.e. Maybe only 1/2 if you're lucky.

gillybeanz · 03/08/2017 00:01

Saucy

One persons nightmare is another's heaven.
Maybe women can't afford to be sahm's but we aren't all starving. Confused

Saucysausages · 03/08/2017 00:14

Yeh but what I mean is whaynjappens next?

Most people have 2'kids so a woman is SAHM mum say aged 30-48 then what? How does she financially survive after?

Most companies would in CV with a 2 year career break whatever anyone thinks / I've seen it happen.

So do all SAHMs volunteer in charity shops or have to work with kids in after school clubs or re train as TAs?

All my aunts / mother couldn't find work and some became care assistants and check out workers ages 50 and facing poverty in retirement due to divorce and long life span

What will you do?

ZooLanePetCorner · 03/08/2017 08:13

I've had a nanny and the key differences are that your hours end, you have time off and someone else usually does the main cleaning, cooking and organising. With children, you're often caring for them in the day when you're had 4 hours sleep for several nights running and no time to have even a shower in peace.

SAHP are undervalued as all carers are in our society, and they make a big difference to their children. Dd is in a class with a fake number of SAHP and their dc generally get a lot more attention than mine.

There's no real need to completely stop work if your employer will give you part time hours, most women I know do pt work.

ZooLanePetCorner · 03/08/2017 08:14

fake? Large!

Wishfulmakeupping · 03/08/2017 08:22

I'm a sahm and everyone seems to have an opinion on it I even started to try and justify it in the first sentence- 'I'm at home with the kids but im studying and do voluntary work etc' but it's not really anyone else's business as a partnership me and Dh decided it made sense for various reasons.
I think sometimes it's people projecting what their feelings or situation is onto you ultimately it comes down to personal family circumstances and what would work best- I do find it quite grinding though that some people are so quick to judge sahm I don't judge parents who stay at home/work part time or work full time as it's got absolutely nothing to do with me!

Butterful · 03/08/2017 08:30

You'd probably want to be a better role model for your children. What's the point of raising your kids so that they can be as successful as possible if you're modelling complete non-success? Literally giving up. What a waste of an education!

NoLoveofMine · 03/08/2017 08:49

and they make a big difference to their children. Dd is in a class with a fake number of SAHP and their dc generally get a lot more attention than mine

Both my parents work full time and have excellent careers - in terms of parenting, I'd say I've had a perfect upbringing. Our family home life is great, we're all so close, I have so many joyous memories of family time and still love spending time with parents. My brothers and I have never had a lack of attention, far from it. One lot of my cousins have one SAHP and if anything I'd say my brothred and I are closer to our parents than them - we certainly do more things together.

NoLoveofMine · 03/08/2017 08:50

*brothers

Usually auto-correct torments me, when I actually need it, it fails me.