Men watch porn to help them get 'ready'

[imthelastsplash]

My dd (11) came out with this after an SRE lesson today.

I'm so angry at this. They had watched a DVD of birth and earlier in the week had had a 'how babies are made' lesson. I have NO idea how that statement came into the lesson but the character conversation went like this:
Dd's friend: she told us men watch porn to make them ready
Me: what? Did they she say that?
Dd: she said sex tape
Me: what exactly did she say?
Dd: that men watch sex tapes to get ready
Me: they don't - I need to go into school
Dd: don't mum!
Me: i am!

We left it at that as she was mortified. Dds friends mum was there as well and asked if I was really going to go into school and seemed shocked I would.

What a stupid thing to say to a group of children. It's like saying 'some people take drugs to have a good time' without an explanation of why drugs are bad and not a good idea. It has just told 50 odd boys that it's fine to watch porn to get ready for sex because that's what some men do. It's told 50 odd girls that it's fine for men to watch porn because that's what some men do. Arghhh! I'm not being a twat about this I know I'm not.

Don't know why I posted (first op here as well) I just needed to vent it somewhere and be reassured that the whole world isn't fucking batshit before I phone.

The only acceptable lesson on pornography is about how it objectifies women. How dangerous it is for women. How the commodification of women's bodies is detrimental and degrading.

this!!

Maybe you should ask if the next lesson is going to be on rosebudding, or some other horrifying thing that porn is apparently normalising.

Mothers who I consider no more than acquaintances tell me and a couple of other women sat around, the horrific things their DH does and then the others nod along and say things like well that's men for you

Now I wonder what horrors are going on directly in front of my nose (well, not exactly, but you know what I mean) and I have no idea about it!

It is also interesting that women only tell other mothers about it.

Might well be the fact they overshare with people they feel they have something in common with, but to me, it gives the impression of ..

... like, joining a religious sect, finding it pretty nice and friendly, and then, after you donate all your money to it, and are unable to leave, the other members are finally allowed to tell you that the cult leader chooses a human sacrifice from the members each year, and everyone is required to watch the killing.

Basically, there's the fact that men often start to abuse when their wife is pregnant or has given birth, and with that in the back of my mind, it looks like women are following, unconsciously, the same rules. Not telling you before you are trapped.

Maybe you should ask if the next lesson is going to be on rosebudding, or some other horrifying thing that porn is apparently normalising.

You know, I almost suspect they already had the "and when you start to grow body hair, here's how you can remove it for your man's pleasure" talk and possibly even the "And if your inner labia grow during puberty, don't worry, you can have surgery for that" talk.

Good point Vestal. For some of these women at least it was going on before kids, but now the baby is here the guy knows She Ain't Leaving. The porn watching particularly seems to go a bit crazy, which then leads to the forcing enactment of porn stuff.

Sorry to derail the thread OP

Lesson one:

In order for a man to have sex with a woman he has to watch how to sexually degrade them first.

Ffs.

Please calmly find out what was actually said before you go in all guns blazing.

If that has been said then of course it's unacceptable and needs to be challenged. Even if it wasn't said in that way, then it's important that the teacher realises that that was the message that was taken from the lesson.

It could have been an ill thought out comment in response to a question about why people might watch porn. Maybe the teacher is inexperienced in teaching the subject and wasn't prepared. She may not deserve the fury and outrage being rained down on this thread!

Yikes!, definitely find out exactly what was said - and challenge.

If necessary tell them what your DD has learnt from the lesson and ask them if that was what they intended to convey.

She may not deserve the fury and outrage being rained down on this thread!

I am sure no one advocates for the OP to just walk in there and start yelling at the teacher.

But even if it was in answer to a question, it still means the teacher thinks it works like that, which is very weird and worrying.

People who don't know what porn is like would answer "Well, people like to have sex, and watching others have sex is the next best thing", or something to that effect, surely?

This is incredibly disturbing. I suppose this is a potential result of pornography being so commonplace and normalised (I know a number of girls who say they have no issue with pornography which frustrates me somewhat) - women who think it's completely natural for men and boys to want to access it to get aroused. Such a dangerous lesson to teach anyone but especially to such young children who are probably becoming exposed to pornography anyway (largely violent and degrading to women) and will now think it's natural for men and boys to watch it.

I very much hope you hear from the school and they take action on this.

I've arranged to go in tomorrow. I will let you know what the outcome is. The head rang me and I said it was regarding the SRE lesson but I'd discuss it with him tomorrow. I'm too pissed off now and I'm going to speak to dd again (she's got a friend round at the minute). We've got a great relationship and I can trust her to tell me truthfully how it was said.

I won't go in all guns blazing it's not me - I won't be fobbed off though

Vestal you are right, and that is a much better way of putting it, but who among us has never said something that hasn't come out quite the way we intended?

Sadly, some men (and women) do use porn to 'get ready' for sex and that is clearly unhealthy and not to be encouraged, while not being an inaccurate reason why some people use it.

But i think the context of the comment is going to be important here. If the teacher has explained it as though 'that is what happens' then it's really not on.

Everyone can make mistakes and be caught on the hop. But it is a very serious mistake, if true, to say such a thing to 11 yr olds which would need to be acknowledged.

I've heard it all now. If this is really what was said it is horrifying. Let us hope that your DD had misunderstood what was meant and there is some way of clearing this up and making sure she and the others get to hear the message of loving relationships. I would be incandescent - I would see it as a violation my my child. She cannot "unhear" this now - it has become a part of who she is; and you are left to pick up the pieces.

Girls also need to taught what pornography means, and what feminists mean when saying they are against porn.

I have often seen the word "porn" used for erotic fanfic, which lots of young girls write, and which they of course have no problem with, but it is factually incorrect, and means that they won't understand what a person who says "I'm against porn because it is unethical" means.

Utterly appalling and unacceptable.

As PPs have said: ascertain your facts, and lay out calmly but in NO uncertain terms how completely wrong this was and why. It may be that teacher was unprepared or inexperienced, in which case point out to them that that's a good reason for the whole school to do an immediate review into how it teaches this subject with all the necessary training made compulsory. And not just for that teacher but for all of them. You never know when a kid may approach a teacher that they like and trust to broach an awkward question, rather than the one that is actually taking the lessons.

I've spoken to dd again and they were told to write down questions and put them in a box and they would be anonymously answered. For instance one was 'what is rape?' Dd can't remember the exact wording of the question but if a child asked me 'what is porn' (in the context of an SRE lesson) I would probably give them the dictionary definition. If the question was 'why do people watch porn' it would surely be something you'd approach VERY carefully. It doesn't appear to have been. I already worried enough for my dd in this fucked up over sexualised, anti women world - i was hoping we'd not have to talk about porn for a LONG time

So the question was why do people look at porn? And the answer was men use it to get ready for sex?

With no qualification??

It's one of those questions, I'm afraid, where the answer is not that simple. And if you can't answer it in one sentence don't answer it at all. Make provision for further discourse.

God. That woman sounds woefully under qualified for any question on sex.

If you throw open the flood gates with such abandon, you must be prepared for any eventuality. Particularly with regard to sex.

Children will ask the most difficult questions - what's a prostitute, for example. You must be prepared for the entire conversation and how to tackle it.

A good teacher should always be willing to admit they cannot answer a question and will have to do some research.

Children will respect them more for that than for coming up with some shit on the spot.

I think they should have been prepared for a porn-type question and answered it factually. Quite a few children will have older siblings and may well have an idea of porn or its relation - the dick pic and sexy selfies. I'd say they should already have something to say in place already as 11 is the age a lot of kids get mobiles in preparation for high school so it would have been a good time to make some brief but salient points on the topic, if the topic came up.

On the one hand nobody wants to enlighten children too early to some things they don't need to know. On the other hand it would almost be good to get in there first before the brain rot sets in re porn etc, as it were.

Oh dear I feel a bit sorry for the teacher now. What's she meant to give as an acceptable answer to "why do some people watch porn" to a class of kids?
I'd play a straight bat and give pros and cons but parents would hate that

Quentin - but don't you think they should have been prepared for that question with a suitable answer? (Suitable being carefully previously researched and prepared from guidelines not just off the top of the teachers head in that moment). 11yo are impressionable (thus an opportunity to make the right albeit brief impression) and for some it's probably the first time they've even heard the word. It's a really abstract notion to explain to a child who barely has the idea of sex beyond the mechanics.

Even if teacher had dodged the porn one with "that's something for a future session" or whatever that might have been preferable.

Surely there's some form of guidelines for schools to follow on these topics?

In an ideal world yes. But they clearly weren't and so it would be hard to think of an answer that didn't either make porn sound great or make sex sound shameful.
I've recently had to talk to my kids about porn (13 and 10) and it was unexpected and I was unprepared although I really shouldn't have been. And it was hard.
(I went with people are curious and like watching it. But there's some evidence that it can damage sex drive so not a great idea and exploring with a partner is one of the best things about growing up. But I don't think that would be appropriate for a teacher to say).

"Miss, why do some people watch porn?"

"Well, there's a number of reasons, but mostly because some people find it a turn-on. This raises a number of issues, including the way that women are typically depicted in porn, the way that the porn industry treats actors and models and the fact that long-term porn use has been shown to be addictive, cause difficulties in forming meaningful real life relationships and other sexual dysfunction. Some types of porn are illegal because of the harmful things that they show. If you come across porn by mistake, such as online, or someone sends something to you that you didn't want to see and you find it upsetting, you should delete it and let an adult that you trust know what has happened."

I just made that up without the benefit of knowing that I was going to be stood in front of a class of kids talking about it...

My son currently finds women in bikinis or their underwear revolting, and finds even kissing on TV terribly inappropriate and unwatchable. I'm going to be gutted when his innocence is shattered by his first exposure to MILFs That Can't Say No or whatever

To be fair olennas I think posters on this board have put more thought into the implications of porn than the average person.
Just wondering how long it will take for certain posters to pop up and tell us porn is great!