Women managing the household - the 'mental load'

[moutonfou]

Just read this Guardian article with interest link

TLDR: it's not about how much a man helps in the house, it's about how women are almost always in charge of the household - expected to know what needs doing/paying/renewing/cancelling and when and either to do it or direct their partner to do it. The author calls it a 'mental load' which men don't have to put up with - they wipe a toilet and feel satisfied they are contributing.

It really struck a chord with me, especially the bit where the tidying of a simple table generates a whole list of additional tasks, but all the man sees is that a table has been tidied. I am totally in this position - always feel like I am forgetting something and it's on me if anything isn't done, always mystified when DH claims completely sincerely that he does even near to how much I do. I always thought I had taken on the role myself - but this made me doubt that.

Thoughts?

*just

I've decided that after taking complete charge of booking our holiday, getting insurance etc, I'm not going to take anything to do with dh's packing. No reminder to buy pants or prompts to check what needs washed etc.

I don't understand how 2 adults can even get into the situation where 1 of them took on the responsibility of buying the other's pants or packing the other's clothes.

Or washing- why do you wash clothes for other adults? Presumably before you (general you) he washed his clothes.

I think there is a reason things have always been this way and a part of it may be innate.

It would be very convenient for men if we all agreed it's just "innate" that women manage the mental load with regards to all the work being described and men just naturally "can't". This is clearly nonsense, though.

If I left things up to DH I doubt DSS would have a uniform, school supplies and I'm sure I'm the one who knows the names of his teachers.

This certainly isn't "innate". He should be taking on responsibility for his child. The idea it's natural he couldn't do any of this is ridiculous in my opinion.

The things is though someone has to take on the mental load and many men just won't do it.

"Just won't do it" is rather different to it being innate that women will do it and they can't. Women are more likely to do it due to socialisation, replicating patterns they've seen from their own parents, messages given to them from childhood that certain work is for women. The cycle thus perpetuates itself.

Datun, I have been that mother and have definitely felt that way except I couldn't lamp anyone with a tiny baby strapped to my chest or when tandem feeding which is difficult and does not always feel nice.

ISaySteadyOn

I hear you. If anything can be construed as innate, breastfeeding is up there. Women are the only ones who can do it.

Toddlerhood and the mental load, not so much.

But somehow, by then, it's all a little late.

Also, if you've never been good at the mental load in the first place, the idea that it is innate can make you feel like a failure as a woman.

Which is another way in which that kind of talk is damaging, as it has the potential to make women feel they should be good at it (or naturally do it) and tie their worth to it.

Certainly true. I am feeling like a complete failure atm. I suck at the mental load thing, I struggle with housework, I failed to have a career, I am not doing well at this mothering thing atm and can't really see what use I am to anybody except for bfing and cooking for everyone to turn up their noses and go 'eurgh' at. Except for DH who is v kind.

It's not innate. I'm in charge of a lot of the mental load due to being a sahm then a wahm for years while do has long looong hours out of the house. I'm totally shit at it. Probably by now any family member receiving a present on time or at all has realised this. One thing I never did though, was manage the major household bills (main earner covers these) or ANY of dps laundry/clothes. He has a study and his side of the bedroom which I do not clean. These are his spaces and his things. A lot of my friends have said I was mean for not doing his washing or ironing but actually I married him when he was an adult and I don't fancy infantilising him or treating him like one of the 3 dc.

Do should be dh

ISaySteadyOn you're certainly not a failure in any way.

A lot of my friends have said I was mean for not doing his washing or ironing

I'm astounded (well I'm not any longer but still) that people still come out with this nonsense. How can people still claim a woman should be doing all this for a man simply because of her sex? I also fear this sentiment means they do so if they have male partners and feel it's their duty.

I saysteadyon.

Men's brains are not different to women's brains.

Yes, there is some evidence fMRI data that shows that more men's brains may react in the same way as each other, and more women's brains may react in a way different to men's, but the same as other women's.

But that's like saying men are taller than women. Yes, on average they are, but if I told you I was thinking of two people, one who was 165cm tall and the other was 167cm tall, how much would you want to bet on the slightly taller one being a man? Maybe a fiver, but not your house. Even though men are taller than women.

As Simone de Beauvoir said, "one is not born a woman; one becomes one." As women, our brains get more practise of doing the "womanly things" we are expected by society to do. And with practise comes a higher level of expertise. So, yes, we perhaps do become good at the household juggling. But we are not born being good at it.

I saysteadyon. It wouldn't, not all women can breastfeed but it doesn't make them any less a woman. I'm sorry if I implied that!

But how does everyone else plan to proceed, after acknowledging they no longer want to bear the mental load?

I've tried just not doing the things I do currently and it just doesn't get done by DH and DSS now suffers too. I got really stressed a couple of weeks ago and just stopped doing some things. But you know what?
I'm the still the one worrying about the finer details. I know DH loves me but he just doesn't think about things the same way.

Afraid I don't know what to do either. I can stop doing any of DH'S laundry & have never done his ironing but if I stop cleaning or buying and cooking food or paying bills the DC suffer. I hate being a sahm in many ways (hate housework, the mental load, all the bills - i do the lot) but love being with the dc & finding a part time job which will use my qualifications / brain is proving hard.

This thread helped me to put my finger on why I've been feeling so crazy and overwhelmed recently. So thank you!

I decided to write a list of all the recurring household/family tasks I could think of, including organising and remembering things. It was about 4 pages of A4. I emailed it to dh, who was shocked, and saw my point.

We had a very useful conversation, with the outcome that as well as taking responsibility for some additional household tasks, he is now the main contact person for all communication re dcs clubs. This has already noticeably reduced my daily bombardment of emails and I've been much more relaxed on club evenings while he's been bustling about checking what they need to take, filling out permission forms, finding cash to pay for things... The first time I've ever felt that balance of mental load shift, and it is wonderful :)

mimblewimble

That's brilliant. How many women have had the argument with men about why they feel overwhelmed, and the men say things like it's just a haircut appointment, or it's only a bloody form to fill in. And it feels so trivial. Until you really analyse it, all of it.

Men tend to think of the women's workday as being comprised of just the school run, tidying up, and making food.