Women managing the household - the 'mental load'

[moutonfou]

Just read this Guardian article with interest link

TLDR: it's not about how much a man helps in the house, it's about how women are almost always in charge of the household - expected to know what needs doing/paying/renewing/cancelling and when and either to do it or direct their partner to do it. The author calls it a 'mental load' which men don't have to put up with - they wipe a toilet and feel satisfied they are contributing.

It really struck a chord with me, especially the bit where the tidying of a simple table generates a whole list of additional tasks, but all the man sees is that a table has been tidied. I am totally in this position - always feel like I am forgetting something and it's on me if anything isn't done, always mystified when DH claims completely sincerely that he does even near to how much I do. I always thought I had taken on the role myself - but this made me doubt that.

Thoughts?

Fantastic article. My partner is exactly like this. If he is left in charge of my son he needs to no what to feed him, where everything is etc. God forbid he would think for himself. Everything needs to be organised by me and he rarely does anything without being asked. Even when he does he will do half a job, which I find even more annoying. On the odd occasion he takes it upon himself to clean up he will passive aggressively ask 'where does this go?' about everything of mine in order to draw attention to the fact he is tidying and guilt me for not having done it. Why he can't just put any stuff in a pile and ask at the end is beyond me. Drives me bloody mad! I also work full time in a stressful job (much more stressful than his) and it's getting too much. I may ask him to read that article, not that anything will change.

Strange how my (STBXW) reckoned she did 'all the thinking' and yet as I have not been in the house for a few months (I was a SAHP and part time self employed) the house is a disaster area, garden unkept, sink full of dishes, piles of papers all over, various aspects to the house unrepaired.
Different people 'see' different aspects and act accordingly.

[I arrange our holidays...I'm a control freak and I'd hate anyone else to do it TBH.]
As a general statement (not specifically Khalee) could this be the root of the 'problems'?
Typically women being 'control freaks' and constant criticism of the fact that (typical) men have different approaches to things?

I feel the chores are the easy bit, they are factual, in front of you but yes the mental load is the draining one. However I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don't as if I handed over more of the 'planning' jobs they would not be done or drag on for ages so would still be part of my 'list' iyswim. I am organised my Dh is not, I worry he doesn't.

No out it's not about being a control freak, it's about having to do things so it gets done and doesn't affect others in the house.

I organise everything that needs doing to our house, I speak with tradies, work from home when someone needs to be here and pay them.

Dh says he'll do it but he just doesn't. He wants the loft converted and I'm leaving it to him to organise. 8 months on we are no further than 'I'll call someone to come and take a look'

It's a great article and I've sent it to dh.

Great cartoon

I was very moved by this piece as it spoke so clearly to me about my ridiculous situation (kids, both work FT, I do just about everything). I don't quite know how to broach it though as I think I'll start crying - with exhaustion! I'm keen to see the emotional load one too.

not to worry, here's a MAN from the Telegraph to explain it all properly to us www.telegraph.co.uk/men/fatherhood/mental-load-real-feminists-wrong-think-women-feel/

Ugh. From the end of the article:

The Mental Load is real and it disproportionately affects women. The burden felt by working men, however, is often just as acute. To suggest otherwise is simply unfair.

Poor working men. He seems to have totally missed the point that most of the women affected will be "working women" AS WELL AS being responsible at home.

as well as the point that as usual, feminists did not argue that men do not experience any kind of 'load'. Just that mostly, the mental load experienced by women is disproportionate compared to that of men. But he can't leave it at that can he. Not all men....

Think this afflicts so many people, it's so ingrained in the patterns of expectation. You end up doing it to yourself as well as having it imposed on you. It's one of the biggest manifestations of internalized misogyny I would say- we muster ourselves and one another so harshly on household management.

About 3 years into marriage, I felt massively mentally overwhelmed. I was contemplating doing a p/t qualification and realised I just didn't have the headspace for it.

The main hurdle I had was explaining to DH that I wasn't asking him to do more tasks, I was asking not to be the task assigner at all. He kept just trying to do more and more things, then burning himself out with that and getting pissed off about it.

It took a lot of effort by us both to get out of it, took two years to break the habits I would say. It also took a lot of streamlining- ditching the stuff that is unnecessary really but you pride yourself on doing.

DH is really a very open minded person, and he wanted to understand what I was trying to communicate and I think it only worked at all because of that. I would hate to be knocking on a closed door with that one.

Muster? Judge!

I read the article in the Telegraph and he really didn't get it did he?

I mean even you you change it to the SAHP carries the Mental Load, statistically the majority of SAHP's are female. And wasn't there a recent study that showed when both of a couple work away from the home the female still does more housework, and this increases when children come in to the mix. I believe it was from ONS.

I'm confused. . .

I totally agree!! Thanks for sharing

Also loved this cartoon!!

One thing that helped us a bit was writing down all the home things that need to be done e.g. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, school stuff, health stuff, birthdays (kids/wider), holiday planning, bills/finance, techy stuff, car stuff.

Then we split it up depending preferences / who good at what/minds least. Negot

If one person has more work obligations outside home they take on more but definitely not all.

Then the idea is that the person who takes on that category carries the mental load for it, responsibility to remember etc.

Of course you can decide to share some categories, e.g. School drop offs/pick ups. But one person mainly responsible for knowing e.g. Abt school meetings etc.

This came after many arguments the year I went back to work after dc1 ...and a book I read at the time.

It has definitely helped tho we are still a long way off. E.g. I find important school stuff floating around in the car too late. Still at least it gives us a way of talking about it, helped I think by this cartoon..

Maybe an unpopular opinion and I don't want to offend anyone but maybe women are better at managing the mental load? I feel it comes more naturally to us (and for any Christians explains why women were made to be helpers and manage the home).

Interesting. I think that in our house we split household chores fairly evenly and DH sorts all the bills etc, but I am by default in charge of anything child-related. I organise all the childcare, including pick-ups and drop-offs, plan and cook meals, shop, buy clothes, change their bedding, support with homework, book medical appointments, organise extra-curricular activities. DH definitely doesn't have to do all the "juggling", which is definitely a mental load.

We were going on hols last year and dp wanted to go out to social events/work late the 3 evenings before departure. I said I was disappointed in him and he probably didn't realise how much planning was required. I wrote the list of pre holiday tasks on a list and pinned it to the fridge. There were 29 - I'd done 28 of them - e.g. getting euros, arranging dog sitter, setting timers on lamp security switches, booking taxi, on line check in, ensuring we've car hire details to hand - he did one thing - his packing. He thinks I'm a stressy traveller but the reality is I'm exhausted by the mental burden and my job is actually more demanding than his (I earn more than double). He's been a lot better since 😜

This is a great article. It puts into words what I was trying to say to DH the other day, when all I could come up with was 'I feel like so much more stuff is my responsibility' which he railed against because he feels like he does just as many chores as me, and equally parents our son. Which he does. But he doesn't do any of the other stuff like insurance or finance or sorting the cleaner or childcare for DS or meal planning or laundry or DS's clothes or prescriptions. I'm part time so I don't mind the extra donkey work, but the extra brain power does get tiring

Maybe an unpopular opinion and I don't want to offend anyone but maybe women are better at managing the mental load? I feel it comes more naturally to us (and for any Christians explains why women were made to be helpers and manage the home)

I'm interested in how you think it's "natural". What do you mean by natural - biological? Which gene or female hormone do you think is responsible for the ability to remember when the bedsheets were last changed? What do you make of all the women on this thread and others on similar subjects to whom it does not come "naturally" at all?

I'm not much of a one for being offended, but it's hard not to feel irked by your regressive views of men as the head of the household and women as "helpers". Presumably women are less suited to the rough and tumble of being out in the world earning a living

I don't think women are naturally better at this stuff, I just think when stuff ISN'T done we'we the ones more likely to be blamed, so we've trained ourselves to always be on top if this stuff.
For eg. if my kids don't send thank you cards, I'm the one that gets the snarky text message asking if it got lost in the post.
If my child forgets his sports kit for sports day, the other mothers will tut about me, not DH.
My own mother complains to me about my SIL if my brother forgets to send mum a birthday present. Apparently my SIL should have remembered.

Pooch
I don't know but isn't there scientific evidence that women think differently to men? I also think that our socialisation plays a huge part of this i.e. The judging Ineverdidmind mentioned.

As for women now finding it harder... we'll that is because we are expected to do and manage do much more. We also expect more equality.

I don't think it is a regressive view. In my opinion it is fine for women to work outside the home like the Proverbs 31 woman - I certainly do 🙂. A family is a team though and it needs a leader - that is where the head comes in.

Well, if you're saying that there is scientific evidence to support your viewpoint, I really think it's up to you to bring it to the thread, rather than ask for me to go looking for what I think you might be referring to, don't you?

Though, honestly, if you're bringing your evidence for why women working is OK from the bible, and you think your husband is the head of the household, I can't see there is much point in us engaging at all, because our worlds are very, very different.

There is an old Russian and Arabic saying:

The man may be the head of the family but the woman is the neck which turns the head.