Terrified of aging

[FreeNiki]

Anyone else.

Im already terrified of being past my best and think I become more worthless the older I get.

Isn't it interesting that the op did not mention her looks or wrinkles and yet the conversation almost immediately veered toward the topic of beauty, which obviously society deems as 'faded' past a certain age. She appears to be more concerned about the actual number and other things it implies, the worry of not being able to start a family at such an age (biologically but also because we are taught that men only want to procreate with young females no matter what age they are) and just the general decline in a persons' worth that comes with a number.

I think this really highlights the effect of our culture and it's obsession with youth equaling beauty, and little focus on anything else. Even those who are not bothered about losing looks still have this issue at the forefront of their minds whenever the word ageing is bandied about. Of course there are lots of things we lose as we age, so much we have to deal with, but this appears to be the sole focus.

I'm about to turn 32 in a few months and am sickened by how I spent much of my twenties (always looking for approval based on my face on body) and even more sickened by what I am about to go through over the remainder of my life having realised how I am going to be treated by people (men and young people especially.)

I have lived with BDD and an ED for much of my life resulting in low self esteem and depression/anxiety. Since I turned 30 I have done all I can to change my brain and allow my 2 year old dd to grow up with a healthier mind, but it feels utterly futile. Youth and beauty and validation based on these things seems to affect everyone in some way, even those who manage to ignore the noise. It seems impossible to escape.

I mean OP did not mention looks until specifically asked a question about them of course. Even then there was little detail other than she does not look her age/has no wrinkles. This was not her main concern. I think this really shows how conditioned we are, jumping immediately to a conversation about beauty when the fear of ageing is discussed.

She is quite right that men are treated quite differently and this just angers me so much. In fact I should probably not discuss that or I shall start the day in a bad mood and society will like grumpy old me even less

And literally as I just walked into the kitchen to make a drink this little ditty rang out over BBC Radio 2:

Keep young and beautiful
It's your duty to be beautiful
Keep young and beautiful
If you want to be loved

I didn't know whether to laugh or hang my head in sorrow.

Isn't it interesting that the op did not mention her looks or wrinkles and yet the conversation almost immediately veered toward the topic of beauty

I thought it was odd, not interesting. I thought the poster who asked that made a strange and unjustified assumption from the opening post.

As for me, I struggle to really understand the whole time limited nature of my own life. I know how stupid that is but it really gets to me. Ageing is like sands through an hour glass and I feel like this whole enterprise will end before I've really understood it.

In my head 'aging' refers to wrinkles, grey hairs, liver spots etc
Whereas ' growing old' refers to aches and pains, being dependent, dementia

So 'I'm terrified of growing old' would mean worried about future health problems and getting set in my ways whereas 'I'm terrified of aging' would be loss of youthful beauty.
So I can see where the jumping to conclusions comes from.

But that distinction may just be in my head

freeniki, you sound really down and defeated - I am sorry.

Just to offer you an alternative perspective, I'm mid-40s and have no children and am perfectly content with that. Try not to beat yourself up with the could-have-beens - easier said than done, I know. It's hard when it seems like society is always cramming down your throat that you can never be happy unless you have children, that you'll never know love until you do, but it's just not true. You can be fulfilled and happy with or without.

As for being single, when they survey people on lifetime happiness, single women come out generally happier than married women, so that's something to think about too! (and there is very little difference for women with and without children).

For myself, I don't mind so much the visual aspects of aging as I do the physical ones. I've always taken more pride in my body for what it can do, than for how it looks, and as I age I'm less able to do all the crazy sports and challenges that I've always done, and I am periodically get quite bitter about that. Thanks a lot, early menopause

It isnt about looks for me. Whenever I moan about it Im told you dont look your age. Maybe so but I still am my age. No one really takes you seriously beyond a certain age you're just past it.

Why do you think no one takes you seriously? I don't think it's true - quite the opposite. I think women are more likely to be taken seriously once youthful good looks are less of a distraction. But not all women, and not as much as similarly aged men, many of whom don't deserve to be taken as seriously as they are.

I have found once you're past the age children are a possibility, it gets easier. Also, I am a lot more confident about myself, and give far less of a damn about what others think of me. That side of aging is definitely a positive.

I like the invisibility. Its women over 40's superpower. Its liberating to me. I can walk into somewhere and not feel like I am being judged on my looks or breast size I can happily saunter past workmen and know that I,m not going to get catcalled or jeered or told to 'smile love'. I am a lot more confident. I dont give a shiny shit what anyone thinks about me anymore. Life is definitely a lot less stressful when you embrace your age.

They just dont. Im always the time filler until they get something better

I hate our age obsessed society and can not understand why we are not like other cultures who value their older members. Have you ever listened to a group of teenage/early twenty somethings chatting? Imo they talk bullocks half the time, I find older people much more interesting now (probably cause at 44 I am one of them!) and apart from the looks thing, I have no idea why men leave their 40/50 year old (interesting!) wives for much younger women?! Take away the sex and life must be very dull for them?
Op if your lucky enough to look younger just lie about your age

at 38 with no kids the world is your oyster,

You could move to Colombia, Germany or France (just a few countries where I have lived where women are sexy and chatted up at ANY age...if that's your thing )for a year and teach English or whatever (travel), find yourself a lover (or two) and enjoy your freedom.

Really, you can do anything. Doesn't have to be a 9-5 job and live in the UK (if that's what you are doing).

Open your mind!

As to the ageing thing, I am 45 and whilst I sometimes feel a small sense of loss regarding my legs (saggy and veiny and wrinkly knees) deep down I enjoy this age. So far so good.

I dont think Id be half as upset about being this age if my.life vaguely resembled something Id want.

I haven't done anything you're supposed to.

What are you "supposed to do" anyway? Who decides these things?

Start thinking about what you'd like to do.

Seriously, go to Peru or something. Or Spain. learn a language, have fun.

There is not need to live your live entirely by other people's rules.

What would you really really like to do if there were no barriers? Where would you go?

Never mind what you are 'supposed' to do - what do you want to do? What do you want from your life?

Id have my own place. Money is a barrier to that with property prices and i have no one to buy with.

I want to travel lots of places. Have travelled a few places already.

But i dont want to be alone anymore. Ive never had a relationship.

Niki, I am in my early forties and have immense feelings of maybe regret or failure.

I haven't done all the things that you are 'supposed' to have done by your forties.

I am scared of aging, because I am running out of time to complete the things that make life secure and worthwhile.

I assume that many people, and certainly many women, must feel that way. Because it is actually very difficult to have children, other adults who love you, fulfilling experiences and minimum financial security in old age,

Tartansnowman that is it exactly.

You articulated it far better than I.

*I dont think Id be half as upset about being this age if my.life vaguely resembled something Id want.

I haven't done anything you're supposed to.*

This sounds like classic mid-life crisis doesn't it?
Doesn't (almost) everyone hit 38-42 and realise their youth is behind them, missed opportunities, etc?

Not really midlife crisis.

As i said i wouldn't be bothered if id actually afforded a home, in a nice relationship.

I have sod all and time is running out.

I hate ageing. Really, really loathe it. My knees struggle on stairs every day, my hips give me constant pain. I'm tired after about 6 o'clock and angry that I can't stay up late enjoying myself.

I feel physically vulnerable and I worry about falling over. When I have fallen over or down the stairs it's agony, I have a very low pain threshold. It takes ages to recover from tiny injuries. I can no longer enjoy wine or eating late without heartburn and hideous hangovers after 2 glasses.

My mind is entirely out of step with my body. I am interested in everything, crave knowledge and delight in the smallest thing. I literally love life and living. I could read, walk, watch TV, have interesting conversations all day and never get bored of life's infinite variety.

And I'm also clearly vain as I'm not keen on the wrinkles, grey hair, wobbly bingo wings that accompany it. And I resent the extra primers, foundations and hairdressing trips to look 'ok' or 'normal'. It all takes extra time, money and effort. It was fun when I was young as it was enhancement, now it's maintenance to not look bag lady-ish.

A classic midlife crisis is something like wanting a sports car.

It isn't worrying about lack of meaningful relationships, a job, family, a pension, a roof over your head in old age.

OP, I listen to Nina Simone's 'Ain't Got No' to cheer myself up.

It isn't worrying about lack of meaningful relationships, a job, family, a pension, a roof over your head in old age.

Quite. I dont even have the bear minimum. No pension or property and not much savings.

That isnt a mid life crisis.

I am 68 - I have no problem whatever about how I look - I still happen to have long dark brown hair and hardly a wrinkle - but, even if this were not the case, I do not care about how I look. What I do care about is the pain - hips, back etc., and other physical buggerations that loom large in my life which mean I cannot do the things I would like to do and be as active as I would wish.

I also have moments of sadness in knowing that my very dear GC will grow up and I will not see what they become. Sigh.