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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

My daughter is ten and presenting as every anxious girl on the planet

77 replies

humourless · 06/03/2017 14:36

Four girls in my daughters class have anxiety stomach aches, I've read that these girls are ripe for being school refusers at secondary school. In year five they still change with the boys for PE and do PE with the boys... which I think is shit.
Some of the shit my daughter has dealt with recently.
Not being invited to parties, she's not the only one
Being sat at a table where one girl invites everyone to her house except my DD
A troubled girl befriending her and telling everyone my dd has ever said
A girl in her class having lists about who is nice and who isn't (my daughter wasn't on either list)
Her good friend being told not to talk to her (a very weird toxic friendship the two that have pissed off have).

What is going on with girls? There's no solidarity, the school are impotent to this social exclusion style bullying.

My dd is tall and beautiful, painfully shy, hates sports (which I think could be brilliant for her) trying really hard not to be shy and puts herself out there to push herself, bright but slipping rapidly at school due to the social side of stuff (I know I sound a dick for saying that but she is striking and gets a lot of attention from adults for it which she absolutely loathes).

I guess I don't want to focus on my dd, but the wider issue of girls that begin to really suffer at school from puberty onwards and what schools and society can do about it.

OP posts:
WobblyLegs5 · 13/03/2017 10:44

Meeting at the crossroads, I found my copy so that's the title!

Original poster
humourless · 13/03/2017 11:01

Thanks!!

OP posts:
llhj · 13/03/2017 11:35

You need to look carefully and deeply at the steer and influence that you are giving your dd. Many of her issues sound manifested in your impression of her relationships with peers and teachers. These might not entirely be based in reality. I say this with kindness because your posts are very indicative of someone who is who is determined that it's your dd who is a victim. I am not into victim shaming or blaming btw. I don't know any primary school that splits Year 5 for PE and find it shocking that a culture of penis talk and ball scratching hasn't been picked and challenged by more parents.

finagler · 13/03/2017 11:39

Wanting interaction is the sign of a good teacher. It's not an attack on her. It will improve her school work if she can take part in the lessons so I wouldn't judge the teachers for this. Its not 'playing the game' to contribute confidently in class. Its a valuable skill.

Of course she doesnt have to say make up is important. You must be very unlucky to have a class full of girls who love make up and boys at 10. Certainly none of my four dds had classmates like this at 10!

You like the fact that she doesn't fit in.

finagler · 13/03/2017 11:41

argh god sorry that sounded awful Blush pressed send too soon

meant to say

DO you like the fact that she doesn't fit in? Of course we all want our dds to be their own person but smoothing along with others is SO IMPORTANT ( I say this as a spikey non conformist, its not always a happy place to be)

Original poster
humourless · 13/03/2017 13:41

I have four children. My daughter is the only quiet one, of course I want her to fit in, but not fit it with patriarchal norms like being sexualised at 10.

I wasn't sure that my daughter was a victim, I investigated this with the school from a POV that all information I have is through her lens. They have found, in their chats with girls, that there's a bounty of self esteem issues, lots of cliques and social exclusions.

My daughter, although shy, forces herself to be more visible, she's a main part on the school play, entered a music competition. She says she hates being shy but can't help it. I think a school has a duty, if not the time of resources, to bring all children into school life. So the shy children need an opportunity to engage without being put on a platform, having to beg to be noticed.....

I see this in many class situations, the kids that don't speak up or misbehave (esp. academically average) just get lost and forgotten.

OP posts:
Original poster
humourless · 13/03/2017 13:42

I love the fact that my daughter is happy to be herself and not comply. It probably doesn't help that we are a pretty leftie city living family who have moved to a little town.

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finagler · 13/03/2017 15:52

She's got a main part in a play
She's academically bright
She's entered a music competition
The school have talked to the other girls and tried to get to the bottom of it

She does not sound ignored at school.

finagler · 13/03/2017 15:53

It probably doesn't help that we are a pretty leftie city living family who have moved to a little town.

Why? Doesn't this help?

Original poster
humourless · 13/03/2017 17:54

finagler.

I was asking for validation about my concerns at all.... I am well aware that she is ignored at school within her class.
The music competition was outside of school, through private lessons.,
The part in the play was with the music teacher, the school one, not her class teacher.

The school have tried to get to the bottom of it because I have been in and seen four different people at the school.... including the deputy head and I used language that would make them move.

She's ignored by her teacher, never getting tedious raffle tickets even though she is a very well behaved child and not being selected for stuff... she's also left out of friendship groups and parties. This is much worse since the new foster kid joined, which is relevant as clearly not being wanted by your parents is going to make you pretty fucked up and so she can't really be blamed for being awful and nasty in order to ingratiate herself in the group.

When the whole school is a bit white and small town mentality, it makes a difference if your family don't vote UKIP.

anyway I came for support and ideas, this is not AIBU. Thanks.,

OP posts:
Original poster
humourless · 13/03/2017 17:55

I wasn't asking.

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finagler · 13/03/2017 21:49

Oh dear.

SofiaAmes · 14/03/2017 01:42

Quiet is an interesting book about the power of introverts. I found it very validating about how I deal with my daughter.

finagler · 14/03/2017 11:03

This is much worse since the new foster kid joined, which is relevant as clearly not being wanted by your parents is going to make you pretty fucked up and so she can't really be blamed for being awful and nasty in order to ingratiate herself in the group.

Shock
Original poster
humourless · 14/03/2017 11:09

Could you post words as I'm not sure whether you're alarmed at what my daughters suffering or the girl who is fostered.

OP posts:
Original poster
humourless · 14/03/2017 11:11

Sofia Thanks for that, I've order it.

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finagler · 14/03/2017 12:23

Sorry humourless.

Your post sounds very heartless and unfeeling.

I am not sure that English is your first language though?

WobblyLegs5 · 14/03/2017 12:42

'The foster kid' is pretty heartless, like we are a different breed or something- 'same with is asd'.

& generally kids who grow up in foster care are very much stigmatised & blamed for their difficulties.

That has absolutely no bearing on your dd though, school should be protecting her & I'd be asking what they are doing to safe guard her from this bullying.

Original poster
humourless · 14/03/2017 13:19

Hang on, you've no idea if I was fostered or work in those types of services.

I think it's a fair comment to say that a child who singles out another for loads of crappy behaviour and is pretty bullish, befriending my daughter and then telling everyone everything that she said who happens to be fostered that at the bottom of that behaviour is deep rooted insecurities? I think the school should have given her a TA of her own, immediately, as she clearly has loads of issues. I don't think it's any great leap to think this child isn't evil but her behaviour is a result of her circumstances. I don't for a second think it's her fault, I think she needs more support. But to mitigate just how shit my daughter feels I have tried to explain how it must feel terrible to be fostered.

I have a child with ASD and he's treated like someone who is making social mistakes on purpose, by school.

I had no intention in blaming this girl, at all. But she is the root cause of much of my daughters recent bout of social exclusion.

OP posts:
Original poster
humourless · 14/03/2017 13:20

Seriously.

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WobblyLegs5 · 14/03/2017 19:09

I don't care if you are blaming the kid or not, I'm saying your terminology is offensive 'the foster kid' is offensive to me as someone who grew up in care and then worked with kids in care, it was also offensive to many of our kids who were refered to as 'the care kid'. The kid may well be to blame, that doesn't mean your language needs to be so offensive and cold. Same goes for 'is asd' a person has a disability, they are not a disability. And I have asd amoung several developmental disorders so it's personally offensive as well as all my kids having this & other diagnosis.

Focusing on the other kid & their curcumstances won't help your dds needs get met. You need to focus on asking the school what steps they are taking to safe guard her & why she is being left at risk. They owe her a duty of care, that's what you need to focus on, not 'the foster kid'. At the end of the day there is no excuse for your dd being bullied & it's the steps school need to take to safe guard her that matters.

Original poster
humourless · 14/03/2017 19:10

I corrected myself, it was brevity not intention to offend.

OP posts:
Original poster
humourless · 14/03/2017 19:11

Apologies if you felt personally offended. I too have a child with asd, possibly two. I'm usually pretty careful with what order I put these terms in.

OP posts:
ILoveDolly · 14/03/2017 19:23

We have had quite a few similar issues y4 and 5 but I think dd is dealing with it better in y6, she seems happier or at least more robust. We talk about people's behaviour a lot, other girls, what we can do about bullying and negative behaviour, being our best version, not worrying about fitting in but trying to be a good friend, what is the behaviour of a real friend vs an undermining friend/bully. I don't want to indulge in victim blaming but there is a rough element at our school who can be physically bullying and we've discussed how to stand up for yourself and when it is or isn't appropriate to retaliate.
I was the geeky misfit at a horribly rough school so my take on it is
A) advocate for your child and challenge school if they are not dealing with bullies BUT ALSO
B) teach your child that bullying is not personal it is a symptom of a problem the bully has. Self preservation techniques are required- Your child has a right to be authentically themself and not be punished for that by bullying, and if they are bullied to be proud of themself, stand firm against the bully, speak out, don't make apologies for yourself. Find a buddy and support your friends when they are bullied.

WobblyLegs5 · 14/03/2017 19:57

OK thanks

I think I wluld reread my copy of meeting at crossroads, my girls are heading to those ages & will be as socially gullible as I am.

I hope the school sorts it all out