Annoyed about this birth announcement

[KickAssAngel]

Someone at work is currently on paternity leave. We all sent a card and a gift, and he thanked us. It's the second child.

In his thank-you, the Dad gave a brief description of the birth & how the family are doing.

It contained the line "we went in to labor"

It has really annoyed me. Probably because he's done other things that annoy me, too. But since when did men go into labor. I'm sure he was there, being as involved and caring as possible (this isn't sarcasm, he would have been very kind & supportive to his wife). But I'm equally sure that he didn't get one labor pain or have to push for even a little bit.

almond Sorry, I was not including your post in the mean spirited ones.

I personally do not like 'we are pregnant' but this defo ranks higher on the cringeworthy scales.

mrsmuddle, it is not about equality in parenting. It is about the very specific act of giving birth and labour. I don't think he should get any credit for 'going through it' or take that experience for himself. He certainly doesn't sound like he's into equality for women if you look at the OPs other reasons for being irritated by him. I'm sure Sandt Tosvig has not talked about when 'we went into labour' and I'm sure if she did, she would be belittled for talking utter tosh. (Except she is not so stupid to do so).

She has said she is every bit as much as their mother as their birth mother. I don't think she is actually biologically related to them at all.
It's the mother martyrs who make such a big deal of pregnancy and birth which makes me feel sorry for adoptive mothers and mothers in same sex relationships.
The Dad in the post was excited and was there every part of the way with his partner. Your post is mean spirited and unfair to mothers ( and fathers) who have children but don't actually give birth.
Yes, I am a mum but I don't want it to make me a mother martyr with my children and husband.

She has said she is every bit as much as their mother as their birth mother. Well of course she is. Being a parent is not about being biologically related to a child at all.

But that isn't what this thread is about. This is about a man co-opting a woman's experience as his own.

It's the mother martyrs who make such a big deal of pregnancy and birth...

I know. Roll on the development of uterus transplant etc to allow men to be pregnant and indeed changes to attitudes to give men equality in parenting all round. Ultimately, its the only way to have a truly equal society.

"It has to happen at some point down the line with uterus transplants for women beginning to happen"

Um.

A uterine transplant into a woman who has the internal structures for it and the birth canal, filled with powerful muscles to which it attaches, is light years away from a transplant into a man.

Lost three pints of blood in my first labour.

Got an infection after my second labour and was back in hospital for a week.

Tore and was stitched both times.

That's not martyrhood, it's medical reality. And I had it a lot better than many.

Oh, and, like Lass, DH does 50% or more of the parenting. He's as much a parent as me, just as ST is as much a mother as her partner.

None of that is relevant to the fact that he supported my birth experience but didn't have it. I'd happily have let him if he was be-uterised!

mrs it's not about being a martyr, it's about the dad taking credit for something he didn't and couldn't have done, it's a physical impossibility for a man to go into labour. It's really fucking disrespectful actually. If your partner had major surgery for example, would you say 'we went into surgery at 9.30... Etc etc'. Well I would hope not, because it's twee bollocks.

Fwiw if my dh hijacked and told people we went into labour, I would give him a taste of what the pain was like

Yonic

Thanks mozfan!

The strange thing about labour, IMO, is that it is minimised. Of course everyone wants to see the baby. But anything else that kept you in hospital, involved pain and exhaustion, blood loss and stitching, would get concern and acknowledgement from friends and family.

I don't mean anyone was dismissive of me or anything, but it was just not taken into account. The "pregnancy is not an illness" narrative misses the fact that sometimes it comes with medical issues!

Yes. It's a somewhat medieval process that fairly often comes with long recovery, long term problems, etc. And it's not like an illness where you go in, get it fixed, job done. You're giving birth for the both of you. So it's not about 'oh he was excited/ he went through stuff too' because in reality there is no option, man and woman make baby, but only woman gives birth to it and is ultimately the one left with any long term illness if it arises.

What a weird comment about Sandy Tosvig.

Of course not everyone who has children is raising a child that is biologically theirs. Who would think otherwise?

That has nothing to do with this thread,

I think that poster's posts are consistently disingenuous on various threads today, almond.

When I had DD there was one woman on the same ward as me that had a horrific time. This was when mat. leave was 6 months, but many women returned after 3. The poor woman near me was told that SHE was physically unfit for work for at least 6 months, and had a note to sign her off from work for that long in the first instance before she even came round from surgery.

I know that that is an extreme situation, but no man has ever had to face up to going through that trauma to become a parent. Obviously the Dad was hugely affected by those events, but it wasn't him who almost died.

I like to think that we can promote an inclusive, caring co-parent society, without somehow conflating support with actually being the person giving birth.

Should something awful happen like DH getting cancer, I would 100% be there for him and supportive, but I would never say 'we' have cancer, because I could never claim that I knew how it felt to be the one facing that stark reality.

Totally agree with OP!
They didn't go into labour, nor were they ever pregnant. It's just wrong.

What's wrong with saying "X is pregnant / WE are expecting"

I've given birth twice, had 2 lots of quite major surgery (c-section and 3rd degree tear). I've never been in hospital or required surgery for anything else.

You're right, Yonic. If people ask if I've ever been hospitalised or had surgery, I think: No, I haven't. I forget about those experiences because they were all about the baby, and not about the surgery.

'We' can be expecting/having a baby. 'We' do not get pregnant and 'we' do not go into labour or experience labour.
What a dick!

Why do women hate men so much? If they don't get involved there are shit on and shit on when they are involved, just because the man doesn't go through labour doesn't mean he didn't experiance it he just did a bit differently. I love when men say we are pregnant my partner did and I got butterflies every time. Maybe I'm just sad though.

It's not hateful to expect support during childbirth, and for that support to include the acknowledgement that the mother is the one who goes through labour and birth.

I've never heard anyone who hasn't been through labour say they have. It isn't something most fathers would say.

My mum was with my when I was in labour (dp and mil were downstairs in the lobby). If she had ran around telling people about when "we" were in labour, she'd have gotten some strange looks.

me*

Why do women hate men so much?

Well that escalated quickly