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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Annoyed about this birth announcement

112 replies

KickAssAngel · 03/11/2016 14:21

Someone at work is currently on paternity leave. We all sent a card and a gift, and he thanked us. It's the second child.

In his thank-you, the Dad gave a brief description of the birth & how the family are doing.

It contained the line "we went in to labor"

It has really annoyed me. Probably because he's done other things that annoy me, too. But since when did men go into labor. I'm sure he was there, being as involved and caring as possible (this isn't sarcasm, he would have been very kind & supportive to his wife). But I'm equally sure that he didn't get one labor pain or have to push for even a little bit.

OP posts:

PlumsGalore · 03/11/2016 20:14

Well I would still prefer to offer ice cubes and rub DHs back than give birth ever again. And if I could get credit for giving birth too? Fabulous!

Tryingtobegood10 · 03/11/2016 20:37

Oh I don't thjnk it's that bad! Maybe a little cringe but he was excited! After all "we have just had a baby" is fine, it is both of their baby!

YonicProbe · 03/11/2016 21:41

Ask him how his lochia is.

Kr1stina · 03/11/2016 22:05

They are so involved and equal, share maternity leave, 50% of everything

In what universe woudl that be ? I've yet to meet that father that does 50% of the shitty bits of parenting.

OTOH I know a lot of men who talk about how great they are because they take 25% of the nice bits of parenting and 100% of the glory ( like the OPs colleague )

gillybeanz · 03/11/2016 22:14

Mind did and constantly does, so do lots of other men.
Don't like the sound of the men you know.

Kr1stina · 03/11/2016 22:23

You know lots of men who do 50% of parenting ? Like the nights feeds , taking time off work when your child is sick, being a SAHP and losing your career or going part time? cleaning up the vomit?

Really ?

How much parental leave did your partner take ? Do you both work the same hours now ? Who earns more, you or him?

My kids are in a school of 150 kids and I can tell you there's aren't 75 dads at the school gate each day . Or at all the school events . Or helping out in the classroom . Guess how many dads have texted or phoned me to arrange play dates / parties etc for my children ( in 22 years of parenting ) ?

Luluandizzy · 03/11/2016 22:33

I doubt he was glory seeking...I think he meant it as him and his wife shared it together. Your reading too much into it...

SenecaFalls · 03/11/2016 22:38

I can also pretty much guarantee that the dad in the OP is not sharing maternity leave, such as it is in the US. He may have a bit of paternity leave, but it likely isn't much.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/11/2016 22:40

My DH was a SAHP. I started a small business when my first DC was tiny, and it became a modest success. I would never have done so without his constant support and encouragement. He had been a sound engineer, a job with the sole purpose of making other people look and sound good. He brought that spirit into our marriage.

When the business was bringing in enough money he resigned his job and took over the bulk of the domestic stuff. He did well over half. He was very proud the day he handed in his resignation: told his bastard boss that he was going to be kept by his wife.. His job was dull and badly paid. I loved mine, so it made perfect sense. He would tell people how brilliant I was.

I was lucky. He was a very good husband. Sadly he died at home of cancer when our DC were still at primary school but I had 17 years with him.

Wineloffa · 03/11/2016 22:45

Gardencentre your post made me cry laughing! 😂

VestalVirgin · 03/11/2016 22:58

I have been reading The Goblin Emperor recently, a fantasy book wherein people refer to themselves as "we" in the formal speech.

Now I imagine this dialogue:

Guy: "We went into labour ..."
Me: "We did not know you were pregnant. It must have been quite the surprise to you too! Congratulations! Also, how is your wife? Isn't she due to give birth soon?"

Yoarchie · 03/11/2016 23:02

I'm on the fence, perhaps inclined to think it's ok. When my friend was in labour, her husband fainted. He had a rough time as well, he was clearly traumatised.

DoYouRememberJustinBobby · 03/11/2016 23:29

Ugh, the worst.
My (dickhead) BIL came to pick up our children when I was in labour last time and said, with a serious face to my DP "oh I remember when Louise and I were in labour with this little one" whilst pointing at his daughter. I screamed at him to fuck off.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 03/11/2016 23:49

Hmmm, maybe it was one of those hospitals where they name everything after donors. The particular room they were going into was the bequest of the famed Victorian philanthropist Cornelius Labour.

Just a theory.

Original poster

KickAssAngel · 03/11/2016 23:49

I am totally on board with the idea that men can find childbirth traumatic and exhausting. I just don't actually think that they are the ones giving birth.

Yes, I do live in the US, and have done for 8 years. This is the first time I've heard a man say this though, and we've had a few dads (first time or otherwise) in the last few years. I'm wondering if it's a slightly squeamish/respect for woman avoidance of ANY reference to the mum and the experience of labour. You know, if you don't say 'she started pushing at ...' then you avoid the whole mental image of a woman with blood & puke & everything else screaming obscenities and without clothes on.

OP posts:

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 03/11/2016 23:58

You know lots of men who do 50% of parenting ? Like the nights feeds , taking time off work when your child is sick, being a SAHP and losing your career or going part time? cleaning up the vomit?

My husband definitely did, probably more than 50%.

Once I gave up breastfeeding at 3 months everything was shared. Neither of us gave up our career. I had just over 3 months maternity leave- he had the standard at the time one week paternal leave.

We took week about at school run in the morning, the nanny did school collection. We both turned up at school events, neither of us helped out in the classroom. He definitely did all the awful Saturday morning rugby games.

Emergencies/ sickness (not that there were many) were done by whichever us could be spared from work.

I doubt he was glory seeking...I think he meant it as him and his wife shared it together. Your reading too much into it...

I agree. "We are pregnant" is awful but I also think the person who has the rigjt to object to this sort of talk , if she wants too,is the female half of the "we".

noeffingidea · 04/11/2016 00:07

Its between him and his wife, really. If she's happy for him to say 'we went into labour' then it's not really up to anyone else.
Some couples do like to act as if they are one person. A few months ago there was a thread on AIBU about betraying a friends secrets by sharing them with their husband/wife and a lot of posters didn't seem to see anything wrong with this, because they saw their partner as an extension of themselves.
I can see why it's irritating, but just be glad you're not married to him.

almondpudding · 04/11/2016 00:15

I wonder if there are people who do this for other situations.

When we had cancer...

When we died...

When we were taking our final breaths...

When we had our period...

When we went through the menopause...

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 04/11/2016 01:28

None of those are the same as the intense shared experience of a birth and none of them require the participation of another person for them to happen.

I can imagine a man saying "we were in labour for 8 hours" and what he's actually saying is "we were in the labour ward for 8 hours"

I think there are some very mean-spirited comments on here.

almondpudding · 04/11/2016 02:51

I found caring for a loved one as they died to be a very similar experience in terms of the emotional demands. The physical demands and exhaustion were far greater when caring for someone who was dying given the time scales involved.

It's not mean spirited to draw such comparisons.

Even when caring for someone who with a serious illness, frequently what keeps that person alive is the participation of a loved one. It does require another person for the ill person to survive.

I am genuinely asking how we describe caring and supporting as a role. I'm not trying to be flippant.

almondpudding · 04/11/2016 02:55

The whole notion that the shared experience of birth is intrinsically more intense than the shared experience of the death of a loved one is surely highly subjective.

nooka · 04/11/2016 03:19

I can't imagine any man seriously saying 'we were in labour for eight hours'. It's just a blatant lie isn't it? Women carry children and go through childbirth. Men, regardless whether they are supportive and lovely or totally useless do not.

mrsmuddlepies · 04/11/2016 04:29

I wonder how many women who endure a pregnancy and give birth would be prepared to surrender this role to men.It has to happen at some point down the line with uterus transplants for women beginning to happen. A married male friend of mine in a same sex marriage has used a surrogate to enable he and his husband to have children and they are such wonderfully relaxed parents without the huge glory martyrdom that some women go in for.
A large national survey recently found that most women in the UK are very happy to be women, far greater percentage than the number of men happy to be men. Yet some women are so determined to exclude and belittle men in their role of parents. Then they moan about men not parenting equally.
Some of you are building up future problems in your desire to take all the credit for raising children. Embrace the desire from men to parent equally and avoid the competitive martyrdom of the sainted motherhood that some of you want to constantly bang on about.

mrsmuddlepies · 04/11/2016 04:40

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-37600771
I wonder if Sandt Tosvig, feminist founder of the female equality party considers herself less of a mother because she didn't give birth to her children. I have heard her talk about her children many, many times and yet she has never been belittled for not have given birth in the way some of you belittle fathers. Double standards at work I think.

AGinForEachMakesThree · 04/11/2016 07:22

Bizarre thing to be bothered by if I'm honest. I will happily say we were pregnant. I didn't do it by myself... He had to put up with all my moaning, do the things I couldn't and pander to my unreasonable pregnancy tantrums. Poor bloke probably had it harder than I did.
As for labour we went into labour, last time what did I do bar bounce about to music with the kids and have a lovely day at home with my family that ended up with me birthing a baby in a pool HE filled with midwives HE was happy to provide tea and biscuits for in a space that HE made sure was beautiful and serene.

Give the poor guy a break, he's just excited!

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