A Woman's Hair is her Crown

[Buddfox121]

I am a black father of twins. One Boy and a Girl aged 6. Prior to my children being born, I always thought that women spend an extraordinary amount of money on their hair. Especially, African and Afro-Caribbean women.

My wife when she want's a retouch is paying around £30.00 and if she wants weaves etc around £80-120 a pop! When I want a hair cut I pay £8.00 plus £1-2 tip and I am done for the month.

I don't want my Daughter being paranoid about her hair. Spending unnecessary money and time. As long as it's washed and combed . Most Men don't even pay that much attention to a woman's hair as long as it's washed and combed.

Now, my wife is always fussing that my Son's hair needs cutting and I am happy to take him to the barbers or cut it myself. However, whenever I suggest that I cut my daughters hair to a Number 1 like her brother, she protests and intervenes. I think it would be good for her to have short hair at least till she is in her teens. Saves time too.

It gets on my nerves that my wife won't allow me to cut my daughters hair, even though she herself actually want's to ( likes to copy her Brother). I think it's a great idea for her to grow up not worrying that her hair is not braided or straightened or weaved etc. A nice simple 0.5 or No 1 should and can do.

So I would welcome your feedback on the matter, should girls be made to fuss over their Hair, when there are other more important things to be concerned about in Childhood?

I don't think you should cut it whilst your wife is out - that would definitely cause a problem. However, I also dislike the notion that women are viewed by the style of their hair/conformity, and te notion that little girls have their hair styled by their mothers in styles that the mother wishes to impose.

Give that you daughter is 6, she will have opinions of her own. If she wants it short, then perhaps go for shorter, but not a buzz cut/no.1. If she doesn't like it, she can grow it out.

Saying all that, the females I know of Afro-Caribbean heritage do spend a lot of time & money on their hair. One of my friends used to change her hair monthly - it would be completely different across the seasons.

I think that teaching a girl to invest too much self-worth in hair isn't a good thing. I think that long hair is a problem, and that if a girl is having to spend hours having her hair styled and combed when she could be playing that is a great pity. I think that short hair on girls is just fine - in fact DS2's best mate's older sister is a mixed race girl of about 6, and her, her little brother and her mother all have short hair, and they're all perfectly happy about it (obviously)

HOWEVER. I am not your wife. She clearly has strong feelings about this, no-matter what your daughters feelings are, you shouldn't just unilaterally cut her hair.

What you can do is make sure that you do your best to ensure that your daughter knows that her hair is just hair, and it's not an important part of who she is.

Please note taht any opinions I may express could be affected by the fact that as a child I was told that "a woman's hair is her crowning glory" - with the implication that if I didn't have sensible, shiny, long hair in its natural colour and form, then I was not worthy of male attention.

@AyeAmarok

You sound like a person that is unable to distinguish from a tongue in cheek comment from proper dialogue.

You have a Chip on your shoulder in place of a sense of humour.

You sound like you want to use your daughter to express your distaste at the amount of time and money your wife spends on her hair. Not cool.

@MarklahMarklah

This is precisely the point I would like to have my daughter avoid.

Oh, do I. Oh dear. There goes my self-esteem. And thanks for the PM.

I don't believe that you are doing this in the best interests of your daughter. More to prove some sort of point (to your wife, DD, us, whatever).

Do you resent your wife spending money generally, or just on her hair?

It's clear your a man anyway

Hair means nothing to you and you want to seem to prove a point.

You're a black man but you think a little black girl's hair just needs to be washed and combed
Either you're an oblivious idiot who has never paid attention to the women in his life and their hair issues or you're lying about being black. Long Afro hair needs tending.
It would be massively unreasonable to do it behind your wife's back. However I also tend to agree that your daughter is a little girl and shouldn't be burdened with excessive uncomfortable beauty treatments. Would your wife agree to her having a TWA (short Afro)? She could still put bows and things in for special occasions but it would be really easy to care for.

@AyeAmarok
I PM'ed by accident then reposted the message on the forum

@FlapsTie
I don't resent my wife wasting money on her her.

Just hope that my daughter doe'snt get obsessed with her hair and waste time and money and as others have identified "Self Esteem" on how her hair looks.

www.google.co.uk/search?q=teeny+weeny+afro&client=safari&hl=en-gb&prmd=isvn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi3z4rM5_DPAhUFBcAKHWgmBZIQ_AUIBygB&biw=375&bih=559#hl=en-gb&tbm=isch&q=teeny+weeny+afro+

Hair doesn't mean that much to me either sobriquet and I'm female. It's just stuff that grows out of my head. I appreciate that there are some who have problems with thinning hair or hair loss and those who have lost hair through illness. I would expect those people to feel more strongly about it.
I have never cared whether my hair 'fits in' with societal expectations, or cut/coloured it to please anyone else though (once I was permitted, in my late teens to have control over my own follicles).

@PoldarksBreeches

Perfect. Good ammo for when I approach the Missus next about this subject.

Oh I don't do anything with my hair. I just brush it

But even I wouldn't cut it short because that's what I want

Notice how he isn't asking his 6 year old what she wants?

You don't resent her 'wasting' money? Haha that makes no sense. You clearly do.

Good! There is a compromise between completely shaved and long and hassle creating.
Thing about Afro hair is that even natural Afro hair needs a lot of care. If left to its own devices (just washed and combed ) it will knot, break and turn into dreadlocks.

I don't resent my wife wasting money on her her.

"Wasting" is an interesting choice of word. Is it a waste if it makes her happy and more comfortable with her hair?

Is it "your" money?

At 6 I think your daughter should have some say in this.

If she expresses the desire for short hair (as in, says repeatedly over a significant period of time, not just a one-off whim), then by all means let her have short hair.

However, please don't just buzz cut her hair because it's less troublesome. It could send out some very unwelcome messages to her--that her hair is "difficult," that it's better if it isn't there or whatever. Lots of black women have complex feelings about their hair.

Personally, I think natural hair grown medium length and worn in a little "puff" looks nice on young black girls, and is safe and gentle on the scalp. While the braided styles can be really attractive, I do worry about them causing traction alopecia.

An outsider comments: many of those TWAs look fabulous, very feminine as well as practical.

Women spend an extraordinary amount of money on hair, skin, nails, clothes, shoes, etc. because standards of female attractiveness (set by men) demand it. In my experience, men who have pooh-poohed this and who have made noises about women spending less, or being more 'natural', have at the same time, adhered to these standards, rather than challenging them. Asking a child to buck the gender trend is asking a lot. It isn't just about hair. It's about a whole bigger picture which men need to challenge (and not just ask women and girls to do this).

AyeAmorak I'm happy to join you being

a person that is unable to distinguish from a tongue in cheek comment from proper dialogue

and
having a Chip on your shoulder in place of a sense of humour

Not really getting much sense that the OP's main concern is that his daughter should not base her self-esteem on the quality of her hair but more that he wants to control his wife and daughter.

Oh and OP if you think those haircuts in the link from Poldark were achieved by spending a few pounds at the local barber you are delusional.

Buddfox - have you considered that, by focusing so much on your dd's hairstyle, and your disagreement with your wife about it, you may actually be making it more of an issue than it needs to be, and this will create exactly what you want to avoid, in the future? If you have an intense focus on the style you think she ought to have, and fighting about it with your wife, YOU are giving the whole matter a disproportionate importance, which works against what you actually say you want.

As other people have said, hair is one way we express our individuality, and there is nothing wrong with spending time, effort or money on fancy hairstyles (provided that you can afford the time, money, effort).

You don't want to make your daughter feel she has failed you or let you down, if she wants to get a weave, or a fancy hair do, or just grow her hair long, do you? But the clear impression you are giving here is that there is only one style YOU would consider acceptable for her - a buzz cut.

Can you see that that is just as prescriptive as you think your wife is being?

As your dd grows up, she will have her own ideas about how she wants to style her hair - she may well try out lots of styles, and you won't like or approve of all of them - but it is her hair and her choice, and she will be working through the process of finding her own style - and she will be better able to express her choices.

I would advise you to back off on this issue. As long as your daughter is happy with her hair style, and it is easy enough to care for, then that is what matters. Let your daughter know that you support her choice, whatever that choice may be - I get the definite impression that you are only supporting her choice at the moment, because she is agreeing with you, and if she were saying she loves her hair the way her mum does it, and wants to keep it that way, you'd be saying she is too young to make that sort of decision.

For what it's worth, I think everything I have said about your daughter applies equally to your son. Gone are the days of there being one style for boys and men - the 'short back and sides' haircut - there are all sorts of styles out there for everyone, and men and boys can express their individuality through their hairstyles just as much as women and girls can.

I hope you would love your children just as much, whatever their appearance - but I worry that having the very rigid belief you have expressed here could lead to your children feeling that your love is conditional on them having a hair do that YOU approve of. I am sure you don't want this.

The short hair I mentioned is only because that is the one our Son has and my Daughter always asks why she cannot have the same.

My Son don'st have any issues about his hair only while it's being cut! Once it's done he loves it.

Thanks for the considered replies. It's certainly given me pause for thought on the issue. But while I may be considered a male Chauvinist , I don't really wish my Daughter to be dragged in to the idea of having to conform to notions of beauty based on an societies value judgement on how a Woman's hair looks. I disagree with the comment that this is Male dominated view as as I said most men don't really care what a woman's hair looks like as long as it's washed and combed at best. The whole, extensions, dying of the hair, weaves, conditioner, braiding, wigs, retouching, straightening etc, makes the Woman's hair a Crown of Thorns not Gold in my opinion.