Utterly despairing at Relationships topic

[Smartleatherbag]

Not quite a thread about a thread, as I see this in real life too. I feel so upset, angry, etc reading about and seeing so many bright, lovely women in terrible relationships. I know it's not personal failing, we ate groomed to shut up and put up. Also if you face financial ruin by going it alone, then who could blame a woman for sticking around?!
Some of my work mates and friends are with absolutely dreadful men who treat them like shit. I have been there too, in the past.
How do you not completely lose hope.

Bit of a ramble..

I hear you. Every time I go on there I come away furious. Angry that there are so many shit men out there. Angry that so many women have such low self-esteem that they put up with their shit. Angry that it isn't easier for them to leave. Angry with myself, because I end up feeling grateful for my own lovely husband, because I shouldn't feel grateful that I'm with someone who doesn't treat me like shit, that should be the norm. Angry for the children who are being raised with these dysfunctional relationships as their role model.

Yeah. Just really, really bloody angry.

Totally agree.

Delving into the relationship topic leaves me with the rage.

So many fucking entitled to men.

I wonder how many of them it would take to change a lightbulb?

Entitled twat men that was supposed to be.

You know what I hate the most? It's how when you point out how shitty the behaviour is or say LTB it makes us sound like angry women who hate men, which isn't the case at all. It's that we hate these shitty men who treat women awfully.

I left one of those twatty men, but not after 11 years of hell, being told I could do no better.

The LTBs really helped realise how conditioned I was to the stuff I was expected to out up with for a 'nice' life.

Bright and clever women don't enter into relationships with abusive men at the onset. The shits they end up with were caring and thoughtful when they met them. That was the hook. Eventually, over the years they wear them down. They will wash the dishes, vacuum, change nappies, feed the baby/toddler. What these abusive men always expect is sex as a reward for doing this 'women's work'. Look at me they cry! I'm Mr Wonderful! I'm clever, witty, make her laugh! I know where the towels are kept! I cleaned the toilet, once! Great in bed and great around the home! How can this woman not be grateful for all of this and not give in to my demands for sex when I want it! As for the every day little things regarding children, the conversation will go as follows: Can you tell me what is going on with the children this week? I'd like to be involved.

Bright and clever women are well able to look after their family on their own, what they see as a failure though is a relationship that has failed. They will hold on to it. And their shits of partners know this.

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Yes, all the subtle manipulation and the way women are dragged down. Makes me furious and sad.

If it makes you feel better, I had a thread on the relationships topic a couple of years ago and it honestly changed (maybe even saved) my life. I had no one to talk to and am forever grateful to the posters who took time out and helped me see the wood for the trees and gave me courage to extract myself from people who were only damaging me. Some of them are still posting now, some post here. I am mostly a lurker these days I have a new account but sometimes feel like PM'ing them to say thank you so much, but worry I'd look a bit nuts...

I try to look at it in a positive light. I see a lot of women giving great advice and a fair few women taking it. There was a brilliant one a few weeks ago where a downtrodden woman had her lightbulb moment due to the kick ass advice on there.

That's great, Marble, glad to hear that. Yes, my dh is awesome, but I could so easily have been in a dysfunctional relationship looking at previous boyfriends

Relationships has been super helpful to many. I know what you mean, op, but don't despair

True, thank you Hillary

I've had two lousy waste of space shits in my life. I'm now single and having counselling to break the cycle. It isn't going to happen again.

Well done, Biker . It's not easy, and we're trained for it from girl hood onwards I feel.

My sister is in a relationship with a low-level bellend. They have a DD too. Frankly, all I can do is limit our contact with bellend and be there for them.

I often wondered why my mum stayed with my dad, and now I see my sister mirroring so much. I had conselling when my first marriage failed (nothing wrong with XH, he was a perfectly decent man who I married knowing I didn't love him, because he was my first boyfriend and I couldn't see how to end things. Feeble, huh). It made me take a good long look at my parents and how they had moulded us. Very valuable in the long term. Sister has never had that.

What make me despair is how many women defend and excuse abusive men........

See that doesn't make me despair, Bertrand. I can understand how that happens. I can't understand the attitude of abusive men to be so cruel and controlling. It is beyond my comprehension that someone can be so nasty to another human being. Deliberately.

And I can't understand a society that rates those same attributes of an abuser in business/competition/politics etc. It validates their actions.

You know what, Relationships doesn't depress me half as much as Chat or AIBU, because the advice is generally sensible (with a few exceptions) whereas a lot of the replies on Chat and AIBU are often ignorant, harsh, sexist bollocks.

There are shit men and women who don't realise they deserve better - that's the nature of the patriarchal society we live in. But it's fucking depressing when other women tell them to put up and shut up. And be grateful!!

Oh and what Bertrand said!

The relationship topic and this one helped me to see how abusive my marriage was and helped me to leave. But it is shit to see so many women with arseholes.

It was partly reading stuff in Relationships that brought me to start coming over to Feminism more regularly, and to start learning more about it and becoming (in my small way) more actively and outspokenly feminist. So many screwed-up relationships and grim sexist and abusive men being discussed on there that made me go RAAAARRRRGGGHHH and just want to DO something. Hopefully it will do the same for others too...

Definitely smartleatherbag it all stems from childhood and low self esteen. How a caring professional woman can end up like this defies belief. The women with shits are nearly always wonderful people and give all of themselves but are unable to recognise bad men. i am determined this will never happen again. i had 8 years with a wifebeater and 21 years with a complete waste of space arsehole who amounts to nothing and dumped me as soon as something more exciting came along, I gave everything to both relationships and got nothing back at all. How anyone actually changes these patterns I don't know but I'm going to try.

Me too Montoya.

Yes Chat/AIBU can be depressing and frustrating with the acceptance of male bad behaviour.

I'm another one who was helped by the relationships board. It does make me angry when I see what some women will tolerate but I was one of 'those' women. I just read and read.. the penny eventually dropped.
I have a lovely partner now.
He can sometimes be an idiot. I have the confidence to call him out on it and stand my ground.
I can also be an idiot too.
Its no coincidence that reading the relationship board brought me to my first functional relationship.
I should also add that I was happily single when I met my partner because of the strength I discovered I had following the split from my previous partner.