how can I have a feminist/socialist/anti-capitalistish wedding?

[GreenGoth89]

We're getting married in summer 2018, and at first I wasn't even too sure if I want to get married - but part of it is due to our archaic legal system which doesn't really allow me to have parental responsibility over my full time resident DSS (who rarely sees his BM). It's already caused issue, and considering I'm primary carer for him once my DP goes back to work (DSS has only just started school, and isn't full time yet), I really need it. But also I want to celebrate our relationship (which we've put a lot of work into) with our friends and it seems to make sense considering our legal system doesn't really see cohabitees in the same light as married couples.

But... I've started to go to wedding fairs (still thinking of going to the national one but I think it might just further sent my self esteem) and they seem to represent everything we hate - body shaming people into have liposuction, hair extensions and other cosmetic procedures, dresses (which I hate, but also as a disabled bride, I can't wear) which cost as much as a small used car, being told I need to pay for things that aren't just non essential but things I really don't want. What I really want is a wedding in a field, to do the catering ourselves, have friends that are DJs and musicians for entertainment, and sort out games and stuff ourselves. But it all seems very hard or more expensive to do it ourselves. We're writing our own vows so I can take out some of the misogynist crap in the normal ceremony, but how else can we make our wedding more feminist/socialist/and as anti capitalist as we can?

If you're set on a feminist wedding be prepared for the stupidly archaic marriage certificate, which still asks for your father's name and occupation for both of you. No mention of mothers. I love my Dad to bits but was very uncomfortable about this. We asked DM and MIL to be witnesses so at least their names are on there too.
I didn't go near a wedding fair or bridal magazine. We got married in a country inn and had a pub quiz afterwards as we're not bothered about dancing. Only had one bridesmaid, no best man, DM did the flowers and cake and it was totally stress-free and fun!

No mention of mothers

Thankfully that's different in Scotland too, they're both on there :D It's so archaic isn't it.

If you feel well enough to walk/stand on the day OP then a cape might actually work well for you, the dress I had made actually had a long cape too and (having worn a dress with a train the first time round) I think you'd find a cape much easier to maneuver as it sits further back and so is away from your feet. I spent some time in a wheelchair and on crutches last year (due to a bad accident rather than illness) so I got a bit of an understanding of how difficult it can make dressing.

Are you allowed to refuse to enter details of father? That would totally spoil the day if I had to, tbh I don't think I would do it if that's the case. Sounds extreme, but, yeah I couldn't do it.

-takes a breath-

We live in a big city with very few nice community centres or village halls. I'm not sure where else to look - I'm wary of hiring a pub function room as IME it seems to just give people licence to drink to oblivion, and I don't know many that would fit 70! Would could trim it to 50 min but all of our friends have at at least 1 kid and I'm not happy with having a kid free wedding when we have one.

Avoid wedding fairs. Don't think about what people traditionally have and think about what you want and what would be most fun.
We had a tiny wedding, no giving away,. No religious element, a sit down meal with champagne after. I chose a dress I felt comfortable in.
Looking back, I wouldn't do a thing differently. It was completely me.

DP's sister had her wedding in a field. Her & her DP did the official bit in a registry office the day before then had a "ceremony" with all the words & sentiments they wanted given by her DP's dad in the field. They had a massive marquee with canteen-style served curries, hired portaloos, had musical friends performing, outdoor games for kids, most guests camped in the field.

It was most pleasant, like a micro festival, but loads of people were oohing & aahing in hushed tones at how "alternative" it was & one invited guest even refused to go because it wasn't official & proper enough - twat!

GreenGoth89 I managed something a bit similar to what you are looking for. I do not want to share the details here but you are welcome to PM me. I did not go to a single wedding fair, and I pulled in a lot of favours. I am not a wedding person - I sort of hate them - but I paradoxically am exceedingly proud of my marriage and of the way that DH and I celebrated our union and managed not to alienate anyone close to us at the same time. We are legally married, in case you were wondering. I also know a wedding planner who would be able to help you. I did not need to pay for a wedding planner as my DM did that side of it for me. She has the visual eye I lack, listened to exactly what I wanted, made practical suggestion and organised the party of the decade, well, I remember the day very fondly, anyway.

Some of the best weddings I've been to were informal celebrations. Some ideas I've seen are:

• A couple who hired a youth hostel. Guests could all stay over without a huge price tag and they had games (giant jenga etc), music etc in the grounds. I think they did the legal bit in a local registry office but they had their own version of a ceremony with a couple of close friends leading it.
• A couple who hired a barn in the middle of the country. There was a field that all the guests could camp in. That place was a bit more expensive I think and they were licensed to hold the actual marriage ceremony there may be something cheaper and similar out there.
• Several couples who opted out of the whole extortionately expensive wedding crap and instead asked friends and family to help with decoration/catering/music. This also helps with the awkward wedding gift issue (where guests feel they should bring an expensive gift even if they are told it's not necessary) as friends all provided their skills/some food etc instead.

Final piece of advice would be avoid attending any marketing event with the word 'wedding' in the title or buying wedding magazines. I only went to one wedding fair and left feeling anxious as I had already sent out invitations and they were not themed with the wedding colours and I hadn't even considered personalised wedding favours. I rather quickly gave myself a shake and got on with it but they seem to exist solely to persuade you that things you had up until that point never even heard of are a necessity and worth spending you life savings on.

Hope you find what you are looking for

It's your wedding. You can do as much or as little of the traditional stuff as you want. Just go for it!

Green Goth - it doesn't have to be a nice community centre or hall. any will do. Once you get the flowers and bunting out, they all look lovely. A friend's wedding was in an almost condemned hall, as she had no money. They draped it in silky fabric and lit it with candles. It looked gorgeous.

Checked the price of a youth hostel and it would be over £1000!!!

It's important that we can do the blessing in an outdoor space and none of the local community centres have any asides from one which is licensed to sell alcohol so it's expensive

This is a slightly weird thread. Its like you aspire to a lifestyle for your wedding that you don't have?

If if must be outside where is your favourite place? If a traditional wedding dress is not right for you why are you looking? What aisle wi there be if it is outside etc etc?

I don't yhink you know what you want really. But I do hope you find it!

You assume I don't have, and at the very least it definitely was one I did have before I got ill, I am pagan and was brought up so, I would say the other descriptors fit too. I'm trying on dresses so I can get an idea of shapes/sleeves/neck lines etc that work for me best, whilst I'm looking for the fabric and the right person to make it. People have got to sit somewhere, so you just have a line in between surely?

Oh God, don't go to wedding fairs. They're awful. DH and I went to a small one and we were traumatised!

My advice is simple. Buy the book "A Practical Wedding" and read it from cover to cover. You could also check out the website/blog but that is no substitute for reading the book. In fact I feel so strongly about how great the book is that I would gladly lend you my copy if you don't want to buy one and can't get it from the library.

I had a feminist wedding and the book was invaluable, not necessarily in dictating my choices, but helping me feel more confident in making those choices (with my DH obviously).

We found our wedding venue and most of the suppliers online, with the exception of our DJ (who we found at the wedding fair, so it wasn't a complete disaster!) and the person who make the cake (who was recommended by a family friend). Our photographer was a woman, which was partly down to chance because it just so happened that we preferred her style to that of other (mostly male) photographers we found, but I was glad about that. She was lovely too.

DH and I walked down the aisle together. I can't abide weddings when only men give speeches (father of the bride, groom and best man) so we mixed it up a bit. I gave a (short) speech myself. I didn't do a bouquet toss, I think they're silly.

PS A couple more blogs you might like:
Rock n Roll Bride (UK-based)
Offbeat Bride (US-based)
But APW was/is my favourite

I read offbeat bride. Even that was a bit too wedding for my taste.

Find out the legal minimum from a senior registrar - the building, for example, has to be approved by someone(?) Our legal bit took place in a registry office, so I do not know exactly how that works. And certain of the wording has to be used, and paperwork has to be signed and witnessed.

I know people who did the legal bit separately and even entirely privately except for the requisite two witnesses - there have been to my knowledge more than one "MN wedding" where a couple of MNers pop in to be witnesses.

If you would like to have a pagan ceremony, you could do this separately to the legal process, and perhaps look at a humanist celebrant.

I did wear a dress for my wedding but I looked j to all sorts from custom-made gowns to a jumpsuit. I am happy with the decision I made

*looked into

There are lots of different weddings on the Offbeat Bride blog, none are particularly traditional but some are more "offbeat" than others.

Why would you get a humanist celebrant for a pagan ceremony? Surely humanism and paganism are not the same thing?!

the fact that you even went to a wedding fair is interesting, it sounds like you want an actual wedding rather than just to get married for the parental rights.

what about just getting a dress you'd wear to any formal do? What about having people over for tea and cake? have a drop in Sunday in the hope that they won't all turn up at the same time?

or just do registry office and witnesses, bish bash bosh, objective achieved. no need for a party unless you want one....if you want one then have one, but the thread title is kind of weird...I mean take out all the sexist crap, don't flap about dresses or any other commercial shit and just book the pub room you'd book for your 40th.

it sounds like you want a weddingy- wedding.

We've found an interfaith vicar so that we can sort out the ceremony so that it represents both of us not just in terms of beliefs but in personality too.

I've been looking at offbeat and it's lovely but it's mainly US-based and the legalities of it and costs are very different, as well as many web suppliers not delivering to the UK. I get rock n roll bride mag, but even their features aren't all or even majorly UK based, even though the mag is. I shall check out the other one too. I feel that's we've got a lot of things against us in the planning stages - lack of money, needing to make it accessible, and needing the outdoor bit as part of the blessing. It feels like it's so bloody awkward maybe we should just forget it and elope!

I was suggesting the blogs for ideas and inspiration. There is no website that is going to plan your wedding for you I do sympathise because planning a wedding (if you want a wedding, ie big celebration with lots of guests, as opposed to just going to the registry office) is difficult. I spent HOURS online researching venues and suppliers.

You say that you "need" it to be outdoors, but I would argue that's a "want" rather than a need. You need the wedding to be accessible and within budget. That's pretty non-negotiable. Everything else is nice to have. I suggest that you prioritise what really matters and then be flexible about how you can make it happen. If being outside is a priority, you might have to compromise on other things. But maybe you don't need the whole party in a field or wood - maybe you could go somewhere outdoors for a blessing, just the two of you with your celebrant and photographer(s), and then join everyone else for a party in a more practical venue.

That's just a suggestion, I'm not saying you should definitely do it, but might be worth considering.

I think the most important part of wedding planning is accepting that you're not going to have the "perfect" wedding, you certainly can't have it all for a small budget, but if you prioritise you can have a wedding that is meaningful (to you and your spouse) and fun (for most if not all of the guests).

Part of the ceremony is the use of elements air/earth/fire/water/spirit and that's difficult to do inside with conviction and connection to those elements. So it is a need rather than just a want. We could skip it all and just have the reception and the legal but it doesn't seem quite right.

After reading your posts you actually sound really conflicted. Your kind of making out this is just for your dss but you want the dress, isle, cake ect....

Exactly this. Asking for guidance on an anti-capitalist wedding is like asking for recipes for dry water, IMO.

If you want to sort the DSS issue, get down to a registry office with two witnesses and be done with it. Then you can have a party indoors/outdoors/with a pagan vicar without getting yourself tied up in philosophical knots.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you seem far too caught up in what a wedding "should" be.

Arrive together rather than being given away. Don't be silent (i.e. speeches only by groom, father and best man). You and your husband have a speech, your mum and dad have a speech etc.

Just saw your post - I know it's a week on but I wanted to say that we had a wedding that sounds very like what you'd like. We hired a kids activity centre for the weekend (with rooms) quite cheaply that backed onto a gorgeous location - everyone paid for their rooms (about £25 each -so no-one minded). A chef friend did the catering plus we hired a hog roast the night before. DIY bar where everyone helped themselves, local band, friends did DJ - ing. Another friend did the ceremony, which we wrote (we sorted the legal stuff out the day before). My dress was a lucky Gautier find on ebay for £35. No hat, no hairdresser, no nails, no tan. Cake was stacked rounds of cheese which everyone ate after. It was incredibly hard work but it is still regarded as the 'wedding of the year', ten years later! It's a lot of work and organisation and I spent alot of time scouring ebay for second hand cutlery, tablecloths, plates etc etc but so long as you have a couple of good friends, a van on the day, and you organise everything in meticulous detail and consider how your guests are feeling throughout the day it'll be a lovely relaxed vibe people will remember for a long time. They will not notice or care about your manicure, whether you hair clip matches the table centre or even what the flowers are - I've been to loads of weddings and I can't remember the flowers/dress/cake at hardly any of them! I do remember how much fun I had though. Wedding fairs are like womens magazines IMO - they create self-loathing. Good luck to you and your field wedding - it's going to be fab. (I went to one where the lounging seats were hay bales with cushions on them and the table centres were oodles of jam jars with oats & fake poppies in them - it worked really well).

Ha...last night DP was suggesting we use the money for the wedding towards buying a piece of land and building our off grid dream. He either thinks we're going to get a lot more money than we are or that land is very cheap!

May have field, and have just been told to make my own dress by a friend (sounds so much easier than it is), but catering is still and marquee/tents/tipi still an issue. I might have a look and see if we can book out somewhere similar - can I ask were it was?