How are you raising a feminist?

[thecrab]

Probably a stupid question but it's something I think about a lot, how do I make sure I raise my child to be a feminist?

I've raised 2 -- I hope. Well 1 in the making. I've tried to teach them common sense stuff about equality, mutual respect among men and women. To hate chauvinism of all kinds and from whatever direction it comes from. Equally, I've tried to limit their exposure to what I believe is the rather hysterical, conspiracy theory wing of feminism.

(Hopefully) making him pick up his own mess and laughing uproariously when he tries to tell me it is Mummy's job. (He is 5). By helping him nurture friendships with girls as well as boys. By fixing his next doctors appointment with a woman when he started saying "ladies can be nurses, but men are doctors". But above all, by standing my ground (for years) until DP did his fair share of the housework and childcare. Also DP is very good at pointing out that Mummy's job is as important as his. So cross fingers...

We did a lot of that, Shalli. Picking holes in media and adverts and laughing.
Both of mine watched 'It was alright in the 70s' and were astounded and outraged and disbelieving at the sexism and racism on open display.
Led us into an occasionally heated discussion about which practices and language that're common now will be viewed as unacceptable in 40 years time.

To earn money so you don't need to rely on anyone else.
To study any subject regardless of the sex bias towards some - eg. engineering
To not put any value on the fairy princess ideal of being saved or kept
Am rambling now!

It is disappointing how many infants in class come out with sexist absolutes about what a woman and a mummy should be doing.
Pompous declarations from little people that make me wonder how they will or won't change as time goes on.

I think mostly by modelling it and by discussing issues of sexism as they arise. When it's shown in a programme you're watching or if someone demonstrates sexism in front of them, don't let it pass without comment, even if just alone later at bedtime. By giving them autonomy over their bodies and 'gendered' behaviours and the automatic option of picking things from both aisles without judgement for toys, clothing, bedding etc. It's so easy to forget and just visit the 'correct' section, choose things then leave. By making sure they're exposed to plenty of stories with different kinds of female characters, particularly including the complex, strong, brave, clever ones as well as the kind ones but minimising those which are just there to be a decorative object whose function in the story is as a prize to be won not as a character. Share stories of women in history who have achieved something worthwhile. Praise females in their hearing for their brains and their courage, and praise males for their kindness and nurturing. Try to avoid allowing bad behaviour be excused on the basis of biological sex. I fail frequently at all of this, no doubt, but I hope I'm succeeding enough to get the job done anyway.

Small children just repeat (and believe) what they are told Solitary It depresses me more that adults believe and repeat such crap.

Notice on reception classroom door when ds1 started: "Boys = noise plus dirt" They eventually took it down after I complained repeatedly The latest OFSTED report specifically criticised the early years provision for their low aspirations for boys. Somehow I wasn't surprised.

I think it's also about reflecting on things you have done or wish you'd done differently - DH and I often discuss things infront if the children about how we realised we were being stereotypical or biased. If children see you as reflective and able to change your views, it helps them to see that's ok. My teens play The Sims a lot ( which is not bad for gender neutrality etc) but we noticed you couldn't really make a disabled sim - they love making themselves but there is no option for hearing impairment or amputation. The discussion was enlightening.

Now that someone mentioned surnames, I remember being asked (I was about five at the time) which surname I preferred. I opted for my father's because my mother's was used for a stupid nickname in kindergarten. (Too young to have feminist consciousness at the time - I didn't even know that it was tradition to default to the man's name.)

This is very important whenever you make a choice that happens to be something women have been forced to do as default: Make clear that it is a choice, and that you could just as well have chosen something else.

And as some people seem confused about this, I will repeat it: Making a toddler grow her hair so long that it requires extra care, like brushing or braiding, is a terrible, selfish thing to do. I wasn't even aware of what I looked like at kindergarten age, and I will be forever grateful to my parents for enabling me to be HAPPY, and not requiring me to be DECORATION.

Long hair doesn't only require extra care, it also gets in the way a lot, limiting the child's activities, or even endangering the child. Why do all that to a tiny person who doesn't care at all what she looks like?

To earn money so you don't need to rely on anyone else

^^Yes. That is it exactly.

So far as long hair - what a load of nonsense. There was a thread recently lauding a mother who had kept her son's hair long.

I go on about feminism a lot.

I sent them to a school which goes on about feminism a lot.

It seems to have worked. They go on about feminism a lot.

by not trying to, not being a feminist myself and not giving her any ideas that we aren't equal.
it doesn't make much difference imo.
As society has moved on from the 1950's even children growing up in traditional households know the difference between then and now.

I am not financially independent but I don't think it makes me less of a person or less important within my family. I just contribute differently. I don't see that earnings or earning capacity are important. FWIW, I used to earn far more than my DH but found my job horrendously stressful ( academia) and at the same time we found our daughter had many severe disabilities. My DH enjoyed his job so we made a decision for him to work and me to stay at home. Our relationship had not been unbalanced by this decision, it worked well for our family. Had I enjoyed my job he probably would have given up instead. I suppose my DH could leave me and I'd be at a financial disadvantage, but I wouldn't regret my life choices - though if I didn't have a good education and skills in the background, I might feel differently.

I don't earn I'm dependant on personal benefit and Dhs income but I'm not less ofa person because I can't work my DDS know of I could I would if you talk about this kind of thing with children they do understand so a sahm has the same value in their life as a working father IMO anyway

DS (19) and I watch Mad Men together when he's home from uni. He rolls his eyes at me while I shout at the screen: "Look DS! Did you see that? Just then? That was some SEXISM happening! Did you hear what he said to her? SEXISM!" DS is of the opinion I don't need to point this stuff out to him, he is studying history, has one aunt who is a university professor in a totally male-dominated field and another who is an out and proud lesbian OAP.

He claims I dilute the message by cooing: "Ooh that FROCK! Did you see that amazing OUTFIT?' at regular intervals. In my defence I a) sell vintage clothes for a living and b) make a point of explaining just what terrifyingly uncomfortable and restrictive undergarments the actresses have to wear in order to wiggle like Joan when they walk.

Seriously though, I don't have DDs, and DS is an only child. He has Asperger's and is very 'rule bound'. He approaches the conventions of social relationships from an anthropological perspective, ie if he sees a bloke behaving like a sexist arse, he assumes it's because he's an arse, and that's NOT acceptable because he's just 'being a normal bloke'. 5 years in an all-boys school has left him with a morbid horror of 'normal bloke' bad behaviour. None of the women in our family changed their names after marriage, we all work or worked until retirement and we all have clear expectations regarding neutral gender roles and the sharing of domestic responsibilities.

I have two boys and a girl.

For all of them: the message they get in their home with their parents is that men and women work for pay and also cook and clean and look after children. None of this stuff is gendered. Men and women are equal.

For the boys: they do not warrant special treatment or waiting on by the women of the house. My mum was pretty good in this respect but the generation before - my dad's sisters used to clean his room and make him his breakfast when he was a boy! With my eldest, now a grown-up, I've often discussed equality, reproductive rights, the need to treat girls with respect.

For the girl: the visual side of being a woman is not an endless exhausting pantomime for the benefit of others. She sees me enjoying clothes and make-up and perfume but I'm equally likely to slob around the park in old jeans. I never ever criticise my appearance or hers or anyone else's. I let her wear whatever she wants, which currently is Tank Girl style leggings, shorts and boots. I let her know that she's luckier than girls in some cultures and countries where they're treated as inferior to boys, and how terrible and unfair this is. I let her know that women weren't so lucky in the past, that when her great-grandmother was born, women couldn't even vote.

Yeah, I try!

In the 20 years since I went on mat leave I have been a SAHM, full-time carer for my DH after a serious accident, freelance WAHM, worked part-time, casual temp full time worker and spent 4 years as a full-time undergrad and postgrad student. I currently work on a zero-hours contract basis in a museum, run my own business from home and also do voluntary work for a few hours every week. And I we live with DM who has dementia - I am her carer.

One of the most important messages I hope to have passed on to DS is the value of unpaid work to society. He is very aware that if we weren't living with gran and taking care of her she would have to live in a residential home and has seen me nurse DH and DM through physical and mental health problems (whilst claiming benefits) which would have otherwise required expensive social care. He worked as a volunteer during his gap year and understands the importance of voluntary work to retired, disabled and socially marginalised people.

"by not trying to, not being a feminist myself and not giving her any ideas that we aren't equal.
it doesn't make much difference imo.
As society has moved on from the 1950's even children growing up in traditional households know the difference between then and now."

bertrand

It works for us. I find the minute I start labelling things and getting caught up in what others define a certain word to mean, the real issues get lost or side tracked.
So, I haven't mentioned Feminism to my dc, just brought them up properly.
The lads seem fine with their gfs and dd knows she can do anything and that the boys are in no way more deserving than girls.
gets her into trouble sometimes like at xmas she asked her choir master why it was always a boy who sang "Walking in the air"? She challenges most things where a boy gets what she wants

NewLife4Me I like your style.. So, I haven't mentioned Feminism to my dc, just brought them up properly. I agree 100%, that's how it should be done IMO

I find the minute I start labelling things and getting caught up in what others define a certain word to mean, the real issues get lost or side tracked.

I'm sorry but that's just nonsense. "Feminism" has a definition. Why would knowing what that is and teaching your children what it means cause anything to be lost or side tracked?

"Mummy, what's Feminism?"

"I'm sorry darling, you're still a bit too young- ask me again in a couple of years"

IToldYou, feminism has many definitions and many different, very strongly held opinions within it, rather like Christianity.
I'd rather someone lived by feminist principles and raised their children as a feminist than they insisted on using the word to tell other feminists that their approach and opinions were nonsense.
NewLife might not be doing things the way that you or I would, but if she's raising her children with an understanding of equality and fairness, then they will be able to see sexism when it's happening and challenge it.
Yes, some of us have come a long way since www.amazon.co.uk/Perfect-Wives-Ideal-Homes-Story/dp/0670921319 but I'll never understand choice feminism as feminism. Same word, different interpretations.

It certainly doesn't make you less of a person by not earning!!
I just meant I don't want my dd to ever see a man as a meal ticket and also to have some money put aside so she always has the option to get out of the situation.

IToldYou

It works for us. maybe nonsense to you.
Sometimes Feminism gets a bad press and people use their own meanings.
I'd rather not blur the issue with labels and arguments about definitions and my mate says Feminists are all lesbian rubbish.
I'd rather tackle the issues if and when they arise.
Not really had to tackle many issues though, I just brought them up right.