How are you raising a feminist?

[thecrab]

Probably a stupid question but it's something I think about a lot, how do I make sure I raise my child to be a feminist?

We have a very 'traditional' set up too. I make it very clear that SAHMing is just as valid as pound outside the home work if it works for the people doing it. We talk to the kids a lot about being a team, supporting and making sacrifices for each other as part of the greater good, but that roles are flexible and adaptable. I don't thing being a SAHM means boys or girls will assume that's how families should be as families are so diverse now. I don't think any of my children's friends have the same setup so I think young people grow up much more flexibly.

I hope so Glittery. I have a lot of time to do the traditional woman's roles as they are older and in school. I just hope they don't think this means they won't have to do domestic chores in equal measures with any future partners.

Watching with interest, DD is 2 and I'm due with DS next month.

I correct my BIL when he tells his kids not to cry/run like a girl and my dad a when he suggests things aren't suitable for a young lady (he's not actually sexist and has raised two feminists so I'm not sure where this comes from!).

I'm trying to surround DD with positive female role models, when shes a bit bigger I want to watch videos of people like Jessica Ennis-Hill and read her books with strong females. She likes gymnastics at the minute, so I show her videos of men and female performances as I don't want her thinking of it as a girly thing.

I've bought her a chemistry set (that will probably sit in a cupboard for a few years as she's a bit young!) and will subscribe her to the national geographical kids magazine when she's older as I think girls can be put off sciences and I want to try and counter that at home.

I like the quote by Mindy Kaling when asked where she gets her confidence from "My parents raised mewith the entitlement of a tall, blond, white man." I don't want DD to ever think she deserves less than DS, or DS to think he deserves more because of his sex. They will get the same pocket money and do the same chores.

Slightly rambling, but these are my thoughts at the minute, hopefully they'll get more coherent as the DCs get older!

Thus is a great resource too
www.amightygirl.com

'I just hope they don't think this means they won't have to do domestic chores in equal measures with any future partners.'

Why not start early and get them involved in domestic chores as appropriate?
DS is responsible for the manly tasks of hoovering, cutting the lawn, washing up and tasks done better by the tall. Like high-level dusting.
OH does laundry and DIY.

Yes, i need to get them more involved - definitely. I guess i just see that they have school and all their after school activities and i have lots of time to myself to do what i want plus in not exactly a domestic goddess. I never thought i'd end up in such a traditional situation.

My son is 21 and I have been mainly a SAHM since he was 6. He definitely sees me as unusual and is not at all sexist ( he pulls me up on things a lot).

Bizarrely, and much to his chagrin, my dad raised two feminists by being a complete, unappologetic misogynist. I suspect this only works if you have naturally rebellious children though.

• though if you have passive rather than rebellious children they would probably fall in line with those around them rather than how they were bought up?

I guess, but given the high levels of misogeny around I can't see there would be much difference. It certainly didn't turn my brother into a feminist in any case - he's all for being waited on hand and foot and is deeply inadequate very dismissive of women generally.

That's why the behaviour and attitude of the men in their lives is important if you are trying to influence boys in particular. Your brother saw a model he liked, waited on hand and foot and dominant with his women and he thought 'Yup, suits me'
What was your mother like, Barbarian?
Did you and your sister choose to have a different life to hers?

I don't know how I've done it, but I'd class ds (11) as a feminist. He chooses his own clothes and frequently picks "girl's" clothes if he likes them. He's obsessed with cacti for example, so he'll pick out girl or boy clothes with cactus prints. I overheard him and his friend once. His friend said his pink t shirt made him look like a girl and ds replied "So? what's wrong with girls?"

Mind you, I remember always having an innate sense of being a feminist, despite both parents being sexist (I remember thinking it was bullshit before I even knew the word sexist existed). I think ds is the same - he just seems to get this stuff, without me having to explain things to him.

Dsis and I have married men who are very similar to each other (gentle, respectful to women, happy to carry their weight at home, engaged with their children) and totally dissimilar to our father. Between us we only have sons - all of whom are brought up to be like their fathers.

Mother-wise is a bit complicted - there are 2 of them (she's my older half sister). Her mum divorced our dad when dsis was little. My mum is only now leaving after nearly 50 years. My mum is a strong woman in many, many ways and the fact that she put up with my dad for so long is inexplicable to everyone. She was financially reliant on him when we were young and was a SAHM so didn't mind doing everything so much (it was when he was out of work and she worked full time that it really grated) but I think she just had very low expectations of men tbh and a very great fear of divorce damaging children. She moans about my dad doing nothing but brought up her son to be the same way???? Oh and years of emotional abuse have worn her down, of course.

I have teenage boys. They had gender neutral toys until they showed a preference for particular toys. I avoided "macho" looking clothes. I did not change my name on marriage. They understand why and accept it but dislike the fact that we don't share a family name. DH and I share chores he does the most and we have always shared all aspects of parenting.
Also everything that weaselwords said, in particular the talks about consent. Clear explicit consent, no assumptions.

Sadly both DSs have commented that they feel some feminists are anti men. This is something they have picked up at school / college /uni.

Recently DS2 was watching an old Bond movie. His jaw was on the floor at the sexism.

My mum definately never endorsed my dad's views although she didn't challenge them openly. And she was very clear that we were to have as much education as we wanted - she had to leave school at 16 (poor family). Dad was proud of us going to university but would have been equally happy if we'd left school and 'got a little job until you're married'. He's quite bemused at us working for a living - feels it reflects poorly on our husbands.

By being one yourself! Whether it's a son or a daughter, make sure they all pitch in with housework, washing up AND mowing the lawn, so they don't see some jobs as 'women's work' and others as 'men's work'.

The comment about short hair and trousers was a bit daft, Surely we are past that now?

I have teenage boys so don't have experience of what young girls have to deal with now but I'm pretty sure my boys have a reasonably equal attitude. I think schools are pretty gender neutral - IME it's grandparents and other kids' parents, if anything, that are the problem with outdated attitudes.

"They understand why and accept it but dislike the fact that we don't share a family name. "

Why do they mind? Presumably they share a name?

First and foremost, leading by exmaple...by being a feminist and calling myself one. Being a single parent really helps, DS (8) sees me working outside the home, studying, doing housework, doing DIY...basically everything that needs doing! No mens/womens work in our house, I do it and he helps as appropriate to his age, not gender.

If he ever says "xyz is for girls/boys" then I'd ask him why he thinks that. Not that he does often. I talk about examples of sexism that we come across (football coaches and Famous Five books mainly...) and why they irritate me.

I'd never tell him to "man up" though I do tell him to be brave sometimes. I praise his thoughtfulness/kindness as much as his cleverness and strength. I also tell him he's beautiful!

He's never forced to kiss or cuddle anyone if he doesn't want to and he's not allowed to kiss/cuddle/tickle anyone if they don't want it. I respect his privacy if he wants to be alone while changing or in the bathroom and I ask that he respects mine. I'll definitely talk to him about consent when he's older but I think this is laying the groundwork for now...teaching him that his body belongs to him and no one has the right to touch him unless he says it's OK, and that this goes for other people too.

Choosing their father with great care helps if at all possible.

And calling yourself a feminist openly.

BertrandRussell It's frustrating. They would like us all to have the same name, not necessarily DH name. They have DH surname and have always disliked the fact that I have a different name to the rest of the family no matter how much they understand my reasons for not changing.

Never say: "Boys do xxx", or "Girls like xxx", or "Well, he's a boy...", etc.

I could NOT believe how many such statements I heard when my children were little. I hate crap like that, and often challenged it (gently).

Ah. I assumed they would be hyphenated.

I'm a single mother or 3 (girl and boys)

My 9 year old has become pretty adept at spotting everyday sexism- there's plenty of it in primary schools from teachers and other children. For example many teachers assume that only boys will want to play football at lunchtime or that a girl wouldn't want to join coding club.

They have chores that reflect ability rather than genitalia. Dd might be asked to replace a lightbulb while ds loads the washing machine.

They are offered the same opportunities. Dd has taken martial arts classes and I've made sure that ds' know how to cook.

Their likes and dislikes are respected. Ds wouldn't be knocked for praising the female superhero in a movie. Dd can choose clothes from the boys section if she wants.

Other than that, I only need to gently correct any sexist language like "cry like a girl"

Interesting, I agree with most of this but especially
be a feminist yourself
and (if they have one) choose the father well- this is crucial especially for boys
Another thing we did a lot of was pointing and laughing at ridiculous adverts and analysing what their hidden messages are (apart from SPEND! SPEND!), we especially enjoyed one that featured 'pentapeptides'. Also, watching and commenting on soaps is a valuable exercise.