Changing roles in marriage

[ChannelFiftySeven]

I'm after some advice about how to change the balance in my relationship. I'm posting here as I read lots of the threads on this board and respect so many of the voices I hear.

Before we had our baby (now 6 months) our marriage was pretty equal. I did the housework and laundry, he did cooking and maintenance outside. That kind of division of chores etc. We both had time away from each other with our friends and also did lots together as well.

Since the baby came things have obviously changed and we seem to be slipping into a more gender stereotyped relationship. I'm finding more and more that looking after our daughter falls to me unless I specifically say "I'd like 11-1 on Saturday to do X, y and z". I understand I'm lucky in that he is a wonderful husband and father and will always put me and the baby first.

But I can't help feeling like the way it is at the moment isn't how I want it to go! For instance, last night I asked what today's plans would be and he said "well I've got (leisure activity with a friend) at 9 till half 10 then I'll do lunch and then friend is coming round to help with DIY in the afternoon". I sound like an ungrateful spoilt brat as he does do a lot around the house but the way it's just assumed I'll be managing with the baby all day after all night with her is really starting to get to me.

If I wanted to just get up and do anything by myself it would need to be completely planned. I know having a child changes things but am I unreasonable for wanting the same level of independence that he has? How do I make that happen?

Little update if anyone is still checking in. Also for me to keep a record of how things are going if I need to look back at any point when I'm feeling like everything is going backwards no doubt.

After being motivated by you again yesterday (thank you) I have made plans for Saturday.

My husband is getting up with baby through Friday night and I'll be in the spare room. This will mean he naturally starts Saturday with her. I plan to go for a long run, come back and shower then go out and do the food shopping.

I feel like this is a similar mix of things as those that happened last Sunday - a leisure activity followed by a task that needs to be done for the family. I plan to stop and get my eyebrows threaded () and have a coffee while I'm out doing the shop so should take me up to early mid / afternoon.

I'm guessing and just maybe half hoping that I'll hear remarks such as "but I've not been able to do anything all day, it's so hard etc etc" to which I can reply "welcome to parenthood!" I may be getting a little ambitious with this fantasy though!

Thanks again for all the support and advice.

Good luck Channel! It sounds rather like the endless debates we had with babies - MrNC felt he needed to be doing the breadwinning and huge amounts of building work (we didn't have a roof when ds was born, and I was learning to walk again and couldn't do any DIY...). Booking ourselves to have similar leisure time, and then dividing all tasks including babycare really helped.

And realising that he had heard so many messages all his life about how blokes aren't good with babies and had almost no role models, meant I explained stuff to him and then encouraged him to practice - all those little anecdotes that my mother, aunts, and colleagues passed to me about what to do with a baby, he had never heard.

It also really helped when he got to work from home a day each week, because he could see for himself that I was doing loads even if the house looked even more wrecked at the end of the day, no dinner prepped, etc. And comprehend that if I described my day as "had X over for coffee, went to baby group", that that wasn't a jolly, just making work more pleasant.

I'm watching this thread with interest and you've articulated it much better than I could. It's just the mindset that it's not worth a mention if he has plans because obviously I'll have ds.

An approach that you could consider is having designated days at the weekend/evenings when you’re the default parent. Not that you ignore the baby if you’re not the default parent but you’re not in charge, you’re free to pop out for something if you want to or make arrangements to do hobbies/meet friends, etc or do your chores without having to look after the baby at the same time.

Channel - that's a great plan for Saturday. Your dh will really benefit from the time alone with your baby and you'll benefit from the change in scene. Is it something you could do regularly?

Mutual part time/flexible work, so you both have time doing the childcare solo while the other works, is brilliant for stopping this kind of thing in tracks. But it isn't always feasible.

That sounds excellent OP and as you say a leisure task followed by something that needs to be done for the family which is EXACTLY as he did last weekend.

I think your DH will definitely make a comment about not having had any time off on Saturday and it being hard etc which is a great opening for you to calmly point out the similarity to his day being identical to your day last Saturday.

I hope it goes well. For DH and I the epiphany was when we both worked part time so both shared the childcare (it was all my insistance and he was initially resistant of course. My reply was "you knew who I was before you married me you must have realised that I wasn't going to be a SAHM forever?" His mum is a doormat and really, really "traditional" and put upon by DHs arsehole father so that's how DH grew up but I've never hidden that I"m proud of my career and that I'm a feminist so DH had to concede that me having been the default carer for 12 months was clearly not going to be the long term strategy!!)

He suddenly had to get to grips with meal planning, cooking, toddler groups, trips to the library etc etc and now that baby is nearly 4 yrs old and DH is an amazing father and we are a total team. There is NO expectation that the other one should be doing a certain task and he's as likely to get up in the night with a sick child as me ... etc etc etc.

I realise that both working part time isn't always possible but on a weekend you NEED to be utterly equal and 50/50

Who works in the week and who stays at home is IRRELEVANT at the weekend when you're both home. Separate the two in your head and your DH will have to as well.

Thank you Streetcar. I wish we could both work part time but I don't think either of us would want the further pay cut at the moment.

You are right though - we both need to view the weekends differently. Fingers crossed for this one.

How did it go?

Hello. It's been great thank you. Completely different to last weekend! I think the reason for the argument last Sunday was because I was too angry to have a decent conversation and he hates to be criticised. We didn't talk about it again but he had obviously listened to everything I said. He commented this evening that he feels close to me again and I said it's because I'm not resenting him.

He also said he felt good about himself for getting her to sleep for a nap for the first time without taking her out for a walk. He said he thought only I could do that. I think he feels a lot more confident with her after this little boot camp!

I'm aware we might have things to address again in the future but for now it feels like we've made huge amounts of progress.

Oh fabulous!! I'm so pleased. Well done for addressing it. The parenthood path is never easy but it sounds like you're both well on the way to successfully understanding what page each other is one.

Well done, that's a great result . I admire you for tackling this early on , as I didn't and it's been a major factor in the demise of our marriage

I'd encourage you to see this as a first step in a process . I fear that your Dh will think that last weekend was him " doing his bit" and now you have " made your point " things can get back to normal .

He makes his plans for the weekend. You sit around waiting for him to tell you what's happening .

One of your problems is that you see " your stuff " like your PhD as something unimportant that has to be fitted around the family. When's he sees his stuff ( like building walls) as important so you have to fit around it .

So after dinner, you need to say " I'll clear up while you do bath time . I need to finish this chapter / report tonight because I my supervisor wants to see it first thing tomorrow " .

Because if you just sit in front of the TV, hoping to spend " quality time " with him , you will end up doing clearing up , bath time and bedtime " because she settles so much better for you ". While he sits in front of the TV and you get angry .

Another problem is that you are keeping weekends free so you can do " family things" . Then because you are free, he assumes that he can plan things he wants to do himself ( like meet a mate for lunch ) and because you are not doing anything you can't object without seeming to be unreasonable .

So you need to let go of your hope that all weekend will be family time . I agree with the people who say that you should take one day each at the weekend . So you get saturdays afternoons off and he gets Sunday afternoon .

Your dh has managed to set up things so that anything he does ( like knocking down walls and earning money ) is a Big Deal for which you should be grateful. Whereas what you do ( caring for his child ) is not important so he doesn't have to appreciate you at all.

I've noticed that fathers who are runners sign up for races that require a lot of training THEN tell their spouses . So they HAVE to go out running five times a week because it's in the training programme . They are not being selfish ,honest , you MUST do X mileage if you are doing Y race .

Then they go out running first thing while wife gets kids up, off to school / childcare . Of course they go to bed at 9pm because they are exhausted . They call this " not eating into family time " .

Alternatively they go to the gym / run straight after work . This neatly avoiding the 5-7 slot of tea/ homework / bathtime / after school activities / play date . Of course when they come in at 7 or 8 they need to have a shower and eat dinner . And they are exhausted poor lambs so they need an early night .

This is called " keeping my weekends free so I can do things with the family " . Except for the Sunday long run of course .

This is a great plan which I am going to implement for my next marathon .

Haha. Kristina, dh and I fell into that trap. Until one day he came from a four hour run (3 hours plus warm up and getting lost), having left me to get up with ds because he needed to sleep for his training. He walked through the door eventually at about 1pm. I pointed out I had been awake since 6 am, looking after ds... And it was Mother's Day!

Things got better after that!

OP well done for nipping this in the bud and talking to dh. It is hard because I am sure he really does feel he is doing a lot for the family. And he is. Dh is sahd and yet, in the beginning, we still had his issue - we would walk through the door from a family trip out and he would disappear to check his email, do chores etc- completely ignoring the fact that someone had to sort out ds, get him a snack, entertain him etc. Took a few discussions for us to take a more balanced approach.