Changing roles in marriage

[ChannelFiftySeven]

I'm after some advice about how to change the balance in my relationship. I'm posting here as I read lots of the threads on this board and respect so many of the voices I hear.

Before we had our baby (now 6 months) our marriage was pretty equal. I did the housework and laundry, he did cooking and maintenance outside. That kind of division of chores etc. We both had time away from each other with our friends and also did lots together as well.

Since the baby came things have obviously changed and we seem to be slipping into a more gender stereotyped relationship. I'm finding more and more that looking after our daughter falls to me unless I specifically say "I'd like 11-1 on Saturday to do X, y and z". I understand I'm lucky in that he is a wonderful husband and father and will always put me and the baby first.

But I can't help feeling like the way it is at the moment isn't how I want it to go! For instance, last night I asked what today's plans would be and he said "well I've got (leisure activity with a friend) at 9 till half 10 then I'll do lunch and then friend is coming round to help with DIY in the afternoon". I sound like an ungrateful spoilt brat as he does do a lot around the house but the way it's just assumed I'll be managing with the baby all day after all night with her is really starting to get to me.

If I wanted to just get up and do anything by myself it would need to be completely planned. I know having a child changes things but am I unreasonable for wanting the same level of independence that he has? How do I make that happen?

I think the thing that would have set me off on the path of resentment, is the fact that his arrangements were made with no discussion with you.

It doesn't matter what/how much he does, its the fact you are no longer a partnership. If you were you would have already been part and parcel in the decision making on what you were both doing on that particular day. This is the crux for me.
Yes you need to sit down and talk to each other.

As for my own experience, dh and me decided long before DC, if I had pursued my then chosen career, it was agreed he would be the main carer, possibly haulting his career to a stand still, or changing his job. Our decision was purely financial. Who would bring in the most money for the family and had most prospect for furthering in their career.

But in the end dh career was the better. So I became main carer. During the week I did all night time wakes, but dh would do whatever was necessary when he got in from work, if one day he came in and I was exhausted, he's take over DC and house, I'd go have a rest, he's call me when tea was ready, what pissed me off was that in couple of hours of being home he could entertain DC make tea, put washing on, and tidy the downstairs. Something I hadn't managed all day! He can multitask but I'm fucking useless at multitasking.

BTW I'm not holding him up as some kind of hero and what a marvelous relationship we have. Because actually we all have our faults, and I could just as easily tell you his.

But what we did do and still do is talk to each other a lot.

I did something terribly unfeminist and asked my husband what he thought

Whats unfeminist about that?

The baby stage is the toughest, or at least in my experience, and especially if you are breastfeeding. It's all well to say that the view of mothers taking on childcare is just a social construction but from a biological point of view it's how we are programmed. Safe alternatives to our own breast milk are a very recent development in the broader arc of our growth as a species.

It's not long ago the woman HAD to be home with the kids because she was the only one who could sustain a child. So it's not just a product of patriarchy, that's part of it, but it's also a biological imperative.

It means that it takes work and effort to break from both our biological and societal rules.

For me I EBF and they fed to sleep so until I stopped that I was the main parent. It was my choice. It was hard. But DH helped by stepping up around the house and his emotional support is great. He's never given me anything re his social life as a fait accompli, and even when I know I'm unreasonably grumpy about something he takes time to talk about why I feel it properly.

Once I nightweaned both the kids, at about 1 each, care became shared more equally. I picked up my hobbies etc again.

I wanted to be the person who fed my kids, I wanted to BF. That meant I chose to be tied to them. Talk to your H about how he's treating you by just making the assumption that you'll be there. Ask him how he'd respond to you saying 'I'm off out for the day you know where everything is' without a moments concern for whether he feels happy and comfortable to be in sole care.

It's not an easy balance but it can work and you can find it. If you had a strong equal partnership before my bet is you can find it again.

Thank you for all the posts. It really is helping me to put things in order in my mind. I'm struggling quite a lot today. I just can't stop getting overwhelmed with anger. It's a beautiful day and he's outside in the sun and I'm just sat here. He came home with the friend in the end and just kisses me and baby, doesn't ask if I need any help etc. and trots off outside. It makes me scream to myself - does he think this is how I want to be spending my Sunday!!? Alone with the baby, struggling to keep her occupied / eat / nap?!?

Sorry, this probably isn't the space to just be venting. And to answer those that asked - it made sense for us for me to go back part time - even though I brought home a slightly larger wage, I am currently doing a funded PhD so there is a LOT of academic stuff at home. I wanted to go part time as I didn't think I'd manage the deadlines and care for the baby. In reflection, if I'd have stayed full time this might have forced him to pick up more of the childcare. You live and learn!

Thank you again.

Rant away

What's he doing outside? is there room in the garden for you to take baby out too, sit and have a coffee in the sun, engage in their conversations?

Oh

You really need to have a talk with him.

Set out plans/expectations. You need to spell out what works for you as couple - a baby is a major adjustment fir everyone.

It's annoying that you even have to point this out to him but mZny if us will have even there.

I have a few male colleagues now who have gone part time/compressed hours and share childcare equally with their partners. This is such a great step forward as expectations are better balanced.

Talk to him, stAte clearly your concerns and work it out together.

Sorry am not illiterate- my phone screen is temperamental!

So as well as the unpaid work looking after the baby and the house, you're also working part-time and doing a PhD? I think you need to treat the academic work as a job and be doing that during work hours (even though presumably you wanted the flexibility to be able fit the academic work in around the baby's schedule) - you're both working full-time, irrespective of the income.

There's no point bottling the resentment up once the friend has gone. This needs airing. Best case scenario it's just thoughtlessness and once it's spelt out to him he will see that perhaps the best way to tackle it is to each have a day at the weekend where you are the 'lead parent' and will be assuming main childcare responsibilities, the other is free to do as they please. However, don't underestimate the weekday work as well, you've got a decade of nursery and school runs to negotiate.

ILeaveTheRoomForTwoMinutes

It was tongue in cheek.

sorry mycrispbag

I do have a sense of humour honest!

Thanks again. I decided to bundle up baby and we have come out on a walk. Currently sat in the woods giving her a bottle and feel a million times better!

Sorry for the confusion re work - my PhD is my job. So 3 days a week I'm out conducting research / meeting with supervisors. The write up of my thesis and any other projects / assignments have to be completed outside those house. My research is looking at offending behaviour alongside suicide so a lot of visits to prisons / mental health facilities. I've had comments from many, including my own family, such as "so you'd rather spend time with rapists and murderers than with your baby...great mother".

Sorry bit off topic but it's adding to my annoyance and frustration regarding the role I'm "supposed" to be taking.

Discussion with my husband will happen later though - I'm feeling motivated after your support so thank you.

"so you'd rather spend time with rapists and murderers than with your baby...great mother".

Well you join the ranks of mothers working in criminal justice, medicine, law, policing, mental health services, probation, social work.
Who are trying to make the world better for their children and everyone else's

ILeaveTheRoomForTwoMinutes

Nah my fault, I would normally use a smilie, I don't know why I didn't.

Exactly! (And thank you) It has been with me returning after 6 months instead of 12. I'm aware it might be unusual to enjoy your work (especially the more morbid jobs like mine perhaps) but, if you do, why should you take more time away from it than you want?!

so you'd rather spend time with rapists and murderers than with your baby...great mother

Just try to remember those people will hold that view regardless. If you were a paediatric nurse they would say "so you'd rather spend time with other peoples kids than your own?".

"ething terribly unfeminist and asked my husband what he thought"
Oh, ffs!

BertrandRussell

You'll have to be more specific.

I just so pissed off with the misrepresentation of feminism. Why is it unfeminist to discuss childcare?

BertrandRussell read on we've cleared that up.

BertrandRussell

I really should try to be clearer, sorry for the confusion!

God I get this. DS is 8 months and I'm still on Mat leave. I completely get that during the week childcare falls to me as DH is at work, but it seems to be assumed that I will also do all baby related tasks in the evenings and at the weekend. I don't know how this has happened, we did shared parental leave so DH was off for months at the start of my mat leave and totally did his fair share (DS was bottle fed). But when he went back to work it's like 'boom' I'm a 1950s housewife!

He also does stuff to help but cooking, cleaning, childcare all fall to me. They didn't used to. Even on a weekend he is constantly asking what to do with DS, what and when to feed him, what clothes to put on him etc etc etc and it makes me want to scream. I run three times a week but only for about a hour and have to practically book him to babysit, where as he does lots of hobbies and stuff and it's just presumed I will look after DS.

He takes him swimming once a week but even insists I come to that so I can help get DS changed. I don't even go in the pool! If I ask for a break I feel guilty and he gets huffy.

I love my son, I love our time together and I love being a mum. But why am I the main caregiver all the time just because I have a vagina???

Clearly I have no advice OP but am reading with interest.

Even on a weekend he is constantly asking what to do with DS, what and when to feed him, what clothes to put on him etc etc etc and it makes me want to scream

Possibly because you are spending so much more time with the baby he assumes you know more about these aspects? I can't now remember what 8 month olds eat (and the guidance on weaning seems to have changed anyway) but as you will be doing so many more feeds/meal times I don't think it is outrageous he might ask this.

I run three times a week but only for about a hour and have to practically book him to babysit, where as he does lots of hobbies and stuff and it's just presumed I will look after DS

That's a reasonable point to challenge and change.

But lass if magpie17 and her dh talk about there DC during the week, if her dh took and interest or even helped out during the week, then he wouldn't need all the hand holding on a weekend.

Communication is key.

I see your point lass but he doesn't work ridiculous hours or anything so is here pretty much every night watching me feed DS his dinner. He knows what he eats and when, it's just laziness to ask me I think!

Yes - he is asking you to do the work of thinking and organising even if he actually does it in the end.

He will only do the organising/thinking work if he has to

Do that means doing the Euro k including him. It also means leaving him to get on with it in his own way. If that means taking toddler to the chippy for lunch - so be it.