Why do women "stand by their man"?

[IShouldBeSoLurky]

Just seen a photo of Adam Johnson arriving at court with his girlfriend. He's admitted grooming and sexually assaulting a 15-year-old girl. His girlfriend was pregnant at the time.

WHY do women have so little self-respect? Ched Evans's girlfriend too. And it's not like their football careers aren't totally over.

It's just so depressing.

Just to be clear, my intention wasn't at all to blame or condemn her! I just find it shocking that after a betrayal of that magnitude she is still turning up at his side when he arrives at court.

I suppose the "little trollop threw herself at him" justification is very likely - after all, WAGS must have to live all the time with the knowledge that lots of women want their husbands and their lives.

She apparently left court when texts between Johnson and his victims were read out. Maybe that adds weight to the 'trollop' hypothesis? Unless, of course, she left him on the spot as reality hit home.

This puzzles me in the extreme. Since he has admitted his guilt then she can't believe him innocent. The whole thing is disturbing because if she were a few months older then this would not even be known about, but i suppose the law has to start somewhere.

The question should be why is it so acceptable for men to be attracted to girls?

Many 15 year olds are similar in appearance to 18 year olds, and many people have relationships with others 10 years plus younger than them. I think this is a little unfair to paint her as basically as kid, she was months away from the age of consent. The problem here is that he knew this. I also dont think anyone thinks it is acceptable, his career is over and he is facing jail.

On a similar note was the hideous article recently on the BBC about "sugar daddies" - a young woman was singing the praises of this scene.

She wasn't months away from being 16 itllallbefine. She nearer 14 than 16. Her birthday was in November and they met around New Year I believe. He knew about her birthday, having just turned 15 too. She was a kid imo.

I'm just pleased to see Sunderland sack him rather than do a Sheff Utd and keep him on contract (and paid!) while in prison.

Perhaps they don't actually care what has happened? I imagine that if you have empathy for the victims then it would be hard to 'stand by your man' but if you truly didn't give a toss, it would be fairly easy.

So not necessarily socialisation etc, just lack of empathy. I know people who wouldn't give a toss in that situation.

What is grooming exactly? Working a mental number on someone so when you do bad things to them they will see it as normal.

If h

As if was going to say...

If he's capable of doing that to a 15 year old girl he probably did it to his girlfriend.

I think most of us are lucky enough that we aren't forced into such an invidious position. My guess is she will leave him.

But at the moment she is having to deal with multiple traumas. Her husband, the father of her child and presumably the person she has loved, has turned out to be a paedophile sexual predator. I doubt she knows which way is up right now. It must be desperately, desperately sad for her. I hope everyone gives her some slack.

To be a paedophile, his victim would have to be a pre-pubescent child. Can we please not go all Daily Mail with this discussion?

Illegal, intentional sex with a minor. Guardian enough? I'm sure that will be very reassuring for her.

Much better. That is all I ask. You don't lose any impact by being accurate.

I didn't stand by my man, 1st husband, who I discovered was a predatory, violent paedophile.

My god the condemnation and threats I got from his family and the community because I didn't. It was hugely traumatising and frightening. I was threatened with a shotgun by one of his "friends".

I think societal beliefs strongly support standing by your man, although until I experienced it I wouldn't have believed it.

Agreed, Grimarse.

I am amazed she is still attending court - he has presumably told her he had pleaded guilty "on advice" even though he isn't

No idea why anyone would stay with their hebephile predator husband, but I suspect aLeaf gives us a good idea.

I'm so sorry that happened to you aLeaf, hope you're safe and happy now

Thank you PalmerViolet. Fortunately I have had nothing to do with him for years. I still get evil looks from his old friends, but water off a ducks back.

It seemed that family, his and mine, and lots of the local community stood by him and condemned me. Baffling. I had a direct lint to police HQ in my home to keep me and my children safe.

That's horrible to read, aLeaf

The expectation was that I should supervise my ex, stop him offending, look after him and keep the wider community safe.

The anger was because I didn't do that. I doubt anyone articulated it, but the expectation was embedded in people's minds. Somehow, I had become the offender for not fulfilling that and had to be punished. By being expelled from society, even death.

Sounds so extreme, but this was an ordinary little town, in England, 20 years ago. I can hardly believe I lived through it.

IShouldBeSoLurky

Just look at your post - do you know the names of these women? They see their only value as being connected to a man.

But then I hjad a discussion with some VI formers about this, they were saying, "but what if she wanted to..." and "well she must want money"

My response was 'It's simple, you don't put your penis in someone we doesn't want it or can't consent'

aLeafFalls I can hardly believe your story, how terrible. I've always felt paedos were regarded as the lowest of the low. I am lucky to only have come across one, didn't really know him but he lost everything when convicted and was roundly reviled. I can't believe that anyone would defend him ? Did they not believe he did it ?

sashh - when i was 15 i would have happily had sex with my older music star crushes, i actually think she did consent in as much as a 15 year old is able to, she clearly idolised him. I have always felt uneasy about the idea that having sex with her if she had just turned 16 would somehow be OK. The problem here is his total irresponsibility and failure to live up to any sort of standard society might expect - typical it seems sadly, of footballers.

In a wider context I've always despised and been confused by girls/women desire to idolise successful men, why is this behaviour so gendered ? I'm sorry i keep going on about it, but this is another case in point, it breeds entitled men like adam johnson who thinks he can take what he wants, sees female adulation as something he has earned by being good at football, it also seems to lead to other men resenting women are "cheap sluts" who throw themselves at men who are successful or rich or talented. e.g. that you tube clip someone posted about the men who pretended to have an expensive car.

But then I hjad a discussion with some VI formers about this, they were saying, "but what if she wanted to..." and "well she must want money"

So sad that this bullshit has become so mainstream. Almost as if the people who spout it don't think men can help themselves when a child offers herself to him.

And men think feminists hate them. Hah!

it'llallbefine, most did believe it but would say things like "It was a long time ago, you're being unreasonable".

Some of it was a long time ago, but that didn't mean it all was. A long time was 20 years or less. Would you want a man who had repeatedly raped very, very young girls around your daughters? Or around you at all?

His large family were some of the worst persecutors as they wanted me to continue to contain him. Of course I hadn't know I was containing him. They also all knew the risk to our little girls, but kept that from me. A very real risk, incest was no barrier to him.

One of his victims spoke up, eventually, then much more was uncovered. It was a terrible shock, followed by years of harassment and fear.

I protected my children, but no fucker else thought it was necessary including my own parents! I was definitely the villain. Thank god the police protected us or I doubt I'd still be here.

(Sadly I remarried, another bastard but this one was disguised as a handsome, charming man who fooled many. I'm now out of that - recently- and will never get in a relationship again. I don't trust myself, I can't choose well.)

But....back to the role of women in this. It was a rock solid expectation that my ex came first and my role was to contain and support and my female children were collateral damage. Step away from that and you risked your life.

ALeafFalls, I'm really sorry that happened to you.

And yes, societal pressures are huge - lots of people really don't want to face up to horrible things that are close to them. Much easier to pretend it never happened. Condemning a family member as a child sex offender is a lot harder than deflecting that disbelief and hurt onto someone else.

The media reflects this:

Huge scrutiny of the innocent woman who was associated with the offender. "If he was that bad, she wouldn't have stayed with him. Why didn't she stop him?". A normalisation of women being expected to police men's behaviour which is very damaging to women.

Very little scrutiny of the behaviour of the offender himself. There seems to be an unspoken attitude of "he's a bloke, that's just what blokes do". A normalisation of sexual offences against children that is very offensive to the majority of men.

Cross-posted with you, ALeafFalls.

Your experience has been horrific. You've done so well to get out of it and protect your children. You write so eloquently about it.

Lots of people have their own self-interest at heart. If you are not around to contain your ex-husband it means that his family might have to step outside their comfort zone and face reality. And that is abhorrent to them - more abhorrent than protecting a paedophile. Makes me think of women and children who are raped in certain countries and then stoned to death for bringing shame on the family. All part of the same continuum.

Makes me think of women and children who are raped in certain countries and then stoned to death for bringing shame on the family. All part of the same continuum.

I think so too. Females being seen as having little, if any, worth in their own right. Just a function of men. They can't really be victims if they're not real people.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really sane at all, surviving all this?