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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Why do women "stand by their man"?

60 replies

IShouldBeSoLurky · 12/02/2016 14:29

Just seen a photo of Adam Johnson arriving at court with his girlfriend. He's admitted grooming and sexually assaulting a 15-year-old girl. His girlfriend was pregnant at the time.

WHY do women have so little self-respect? Ched Evans's girlfriend too. And it's not like their football careers aren't totally over.

It's just so depressing.

OP posts:
CultureSucksDownWords · 12/02/2016 14:48

It is probably a combination of lack of self-esteem/self-respect and victim-blaming.

Will they even be able to stay together given that she has a child and he presumably will be on the sex offenders register?

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 12/02/2016 14:56

Is the answer "socialisation" too simplistic?

scallopsrgreat · 12/02/2016 15:35

I think you are asked ng the wrong question. It's pretty easy to see why women 'stand by their man's when women's worth is portrayed so often in respect of their value towards men.

The question should be why is it so acceptable for men to be attracted to girls?

scallopsrgreat · 12/02/2016 15:37

Also the other thread on here about Cheryl James gives a good indication as to why women (and even more men) stand by men who rape.

Tiggeryoubastard · 12/02/2016 15:48

This has been in my head today, too. Especially after the rapist Ched Evans. Do they still see some residual 'glamour' from the footballing past? Enough to accept what these vile creeps did, not just to others, but to them? It sickens me, but I'm not fully sure what the exact reasons are, though it's a mixture. Are they naive (don't think so), have they no other options (see previous), do they believe he's done no wrong because they're victims are 'less' than them in some way? Do they just not give a shit about any of it? Are they so bloody thick they don't get it?
I don't view them as any better than the blokes who's behaviour they are condoning, frankly, add Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris' repulsive wives to that.

Tiggeryoubastard · 12/02/2016 15:49

Their victims, not they're.

HelpfulChap · 12/02/2016 15:51

There is a thread on here to the effect of 'is it better to be in an abusive relationship than no relationship at all'.

Mind boggling.

MrNoseybonk · 12/02/2016 15:55

Maybe they believe their man is innocent?

Tiggeryoubastard · 12/02/2016 15:55

I've avoided that judging by the title alone, helpful.

Lottapianos · 12/02/2016 15:56

I was thinking about this too after seeing the photo of Johnson arriving at court with his girlfriend. So many possible reasons. People can convince themselves of all sorts of things when the truth is too painful to deal with. Maybe she thinks that men can't help themselves and this little tart 'threw herself' at her man, what was he supposed to do? All that sort of rubbish.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Lanark2 · 12/02/2016 15:56

Its true, we don't really know the background..

Tiggeryoubastard · 12/02/2016 15:57

ny innocent do you mean they think he physically didn't do these things or that they aren't wrong? Either way, that's a whole new level of thick.

CultureSucksDownWords · 12/02/2016 16:03

Hard to believe he is innocent when he has admitted guilt on two of the charges, surely?

thedancingbear · 12/02/2016 16:07

I grew up and went to school with a girl who is now a famous WAG. I knocked around with her until we were about 17/18.

She was intelligent (getting good A-levels from a mediocre school), articulate and likeable, and certainly didn't suffer from low-self esteem. It was also evident from about the age of 16 that her life's main purpose was to associate with (male) professional footballers. Given her obvious positive attributes, it was almost an unfathomable thing, like an obsession or mental disorder.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except to say that I suspect that the phenomenon (and I think it merits that word, just) is a lot more complicated than stupidity, greed or low self-esteem.

Kidnapped · 12/02/2016 16:11

Initial shock, I suppose. Believing what he says. Wanting to maintain the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed. Huge pressure to conform from friends and family. Whenever something bad happens, the family usually rallies around doesn't it? Then a sort of groupthink takes over - "They are out to get us, they have an agenda, it's politically motivated, it's because I'm famous". Anything apart from analyse the facts.

Maybe she even feels that her new position of loyal girlfriend/wife in the spotlight gives her power that is otherwise lacking in the relationship - he needs her now, no way will he leave her now until after the trial. It would look bad on him. He's grateful to her now. Within the relationship, her status has just increased.

And even if the woman does think he is guilty, then she feels that that leaving him now is going to look bad for him in front of a jury "See? Even his own wife/girlfriend doesn't believe him". And, even if he is guilty, she loves him enough to try to spare him jail.

The way these things are reported always follows the same script - man does bad thing, innocent woman associated with man gets flak. Bloke rapes a child and gosh, isn't his girlfriend (who had nothing to do with it) awful/stupid/naive?

It was ever thus.

scallopsrgreat · 12/02/2016 16:19

Agreed Kidnapped. That'll be patriarchy for you.

Nice to see the blokes on here giving women a kicking too.

MrNoseybonk · 12/02/2016 16:20

"ny innocent do you mean they think he physically didn't do these things or that they aren't wrong? Either way, that's a whole new level of thick."

If he swore to her that he didn't do it, maybe she's trusting him.
I guess it's similar to a parent standing by their (adult) child. You would like to think your child or spouse wouldn't flat out lie to you and swear innocence when not, so might be inclined to believe them.
Especially until proved guilty.

MrNoseybonk · 12/02/2016 16:21

I wasn't referring to this case (where he has pleaded guilty) but in general. Ched Evans didn't admit guilt (I don't think).

CultureSucksDownWords · 12/02/2016 16:22

Is it not ok to discuss why women stand by men guilty of this type of crime?

thedancingbear · 12/02/2016 16:22

I hope you don't mean me by that scallops, it's certainly not my intention

passmethewineplease · 12/02/2016 16:26

He's pleaded guilty so I doubt she believes it's because he's innocent.

I think it's a mixture of things, the cynical side of me also suspects money/lifestyle could play a part.

MorrisZapp · 12/02/2016 16:27

Good post Kidnapped. I remember when that horrific story about Josef Fritzl came out. I lost track of the amount of columnists and commentators seemingly less aghast at his sickening crimes than by the fact his wife didn't know.

It's just another way to place the blame on a woman. Women are meant to prevent men from doing bad things.

CultureSucksDownWords · 12/02/2016 16:30

Can I just say that I definitely don't place any blame on the girlfriend! I am curious as to the mentality that enables someone to stay in a relationship in these circumstances, when I don't think I would at all.

MsMims · 12/02/2016 16:31

I was pondering this too earlier when I saw it in the news.

Can think of a few reasons why: lacking in self esteem, not wanting to lose a wealthy or comfortable lifestyle, seeing the victim as somehow less valuable etc.

Very sad though, the bar for his behaviour has been set so very low. He must think he's untouchable and can do whatever he pleases without losing his relationship.

Tiggeryoubastard · 12/02/2016 16:35

Mrnosey he admitted his guilt to two charges yesterday. She must be aware of that.
And condemning anyone that stands by people guilty of sex crimes is not patriarchal at all. How bloody right on.

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