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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Only mums asked to volunteer

23 replies

JoeMommuh · 14/11/2015 18:24

I just need a little whine as I can't mention it in real life without furthering my (probable) reputations as a crusading moaner.

My 3 year old does 2 mornings a week at a playgroup (no parents stay). DH and I both work full time and apart from those mornings ds is in the care of our nanny. She does drop off and DH does collection.

Playgroup has a fundraiser today (stalls etc) to raise funds for new toys etc.

I got a text message from the manager asking could I let her know if I could help. Not could DH or i help. Could I help. (DH does all collections remember so "knows" her better than me) she wants me to collect money on a stall, or bake cakes to sell or 'man' the cake stall or just help set up. I checked with my best friend and she was texted but her husband wasn't.

EVERY person confirmed as a helper is a mum. Not one dad helped. I just had a big rant to DH about how his Saturday was sacred and mine was meant to be spent volunteering to help the kids as I'm the mum. DH said to me he was happy to help but I was so cross I said well if the manager hadn't asked him just leave it and I text back and said sorry I was busy.

It's just the principle. I wouldn't have minded helping as a parent. But helping because I'm a mum...today I just couldn't be bothered.

It's just one more thing in a little line of similar incidents and it tipped me over.

Thought I could probably offload here and not be told I'm being silly.

OP posts:

Shallishanti · 14/11/2015 18:26

very annoying, but surely the most potent response is for your DH to just turn up instead of you

SurlyCue · 14/11/2015 18:27

Ok so you replied and said "i'm not available but DH might be. Have you asked him?" Yes?

anothernumberone · 14/11/2015 18:30

Yes I get it. Every communication with our schools is through me, that is 3 schools but DH was put down as number 1 contact as I work term time and am completely inflexible. My mother the 3rd contact has been contacted before DH. It is outrageous.

AuntieStella · 14/11/2015 18:30

Yes, I think I would be annoyed by this as well.

And would probably reply that I was unable to help, but think your DH will probably be able to do so but he has yet to receive the text about this.

Original poster

JoeMommuh · 14/11/2015 18:31

DH could have gone. But I was too cross he wasn't asked. I wanted to say to her "have you asked any dads" but DH persuaded me to drop it as I do tend to go on about things like this, to a confused audience of "traditional" mums.

I think I'm getting a reputation as the crusader...and it's a VERY tiny island community where NOTHING will change.

OP posts:

cosytoaster · 14/11/2015 18:38

Not silly at all - you should mention it in RL to the nursery manager

cailindana · 14/11/2015 19:03

I'm pretty sure I put DH's number down as a contact at school and yet they always contact me. The last time they contacted me I was an hour away so I said DH would go to the school (DS had a huge bump on his head) and the secretary suddenly said 'no no it's fine...' Eh? Why contact me if no one needed to go? It became clear that she was fine with wifey coming to the school but when I suggested Big Important Dad coming well that was too much we must not inconvenience the men must we? I had to forcefully explain that DH was actually at home with DD and only just around the corner so it was fine for him to come.

ARRRRGGGH!

Shallishanti · 14/11/2015 19:07

don't get angry, get even!
don't mourn, organise!
even in a small island community they will eventually get the point IF the men actually bloody DO stuff
actions speak louder than words
(I have more platitudes available should you require them)

WoTmania · 14/11/2015 21:42

I hear you, We have a similar situation to Anothernumber and Caillin - Although it's recent I'm currently the main breadwinner and have jobs I cannot just up and leave. We've spoken to the school about this and changing the phone numbers and it's still me they call (at work, while DH is at home). Mums are often always assumed to be the the default parent.

captainproton · 14/11/2015 21:50

Did you fill out the playgroup paperwork? I think the person registering the child has to put their name down, then you put down anyone else with PR. To be fair they probably just take the applicants number and text you. Probably one text per household?

Not all persons with PR are in a relationship and perhaps it's better that only the main applicant/main Carer is contacted, could you imagine if you turned up to find your ex there too?

captainproton · 14/11/2015 21:57

And DH is a NRP for his eldest, he is not the main contact at his DSS school. He gets copies of reports etc but everything else is mum the RP. It just would not work if he got every letter/email about this, that and the other, his ex would consider it interfering with her RP time. The school isn't there to mediate, if DH wants extra communication he has to proactively ask for it.

OneMoreCasualty · 17/11/2015 12:39

Captain, none of that prevents the text saying "can Jimmy's mum or dad help with a stall?"

captainproton · 24/11/2015 18:49

And what of children who have same sex parents? TBH the wording is not stated in the OP. But unless the texts were addressed to individuals personally, surely a bit of common sense would prevail, i.e. why are they going to text each household twice (there would be a cost to that too), and why can't the person receiving the text discus who can help out with say partner/grandparents etc.

MrNoseybonk · 25/11/2015 10:41

the wording is not stated in the OP

Seems pretty important.
If the wording is "can you help" then you'd have to look see if it was only sent to mums, or only sent to the contact number they had. Which is hardly the school's fault if the parents give them mum as primary contact.

LyndaNotLinda · 25/11/2015 13:38

Captain, the only person who is talking about situations where children parents are separated is you. The OP's husband does pick ups but they live in the same house.

This is bog standard sexism, nothing to do with NRPs

zeetea · 26/11/2015 15:24

I would be annoyed at this too, would have text back to ask DH instead.

You think you're bad - I got annoyed because I was the only account holder for our Thames Water account and they refused to speak to my husband as he wasn't named, so I asked them to add him as 'secondary' holder because usually I deal with utilities - but they've not only automatically put him as 'primary' holder now, they've removed my name from all correspondence!
Maybe I am ridiculous but whatever, just the fact I asked them to put him as secondary but nope, he's bloke he MUST be the only one that deals with all the invoices - silly little woman won't know what to do!

TheSpottedZebra · 26/11/2015 15:33

Don't stop crusading - the world needs crusaders. Well, not the religious kind, but you know what I mean.

I would have to ask if /why they have only asked females. I also had the thing where DH was 1st contact down for school, as I work further away, and my job is more senior, less flexible, (earns more), etc, so he did bear the brunt of that kind of thing. Yet the school would always ring me. And when I asked why they'd not called DH, I'd be told 'you're his mum', 'it's not that serious', 'He's at work ' etc etc. Boils my piss. But then it also annoys me on here when people write 'ask his mum' about some child or school issue rather than 'ask his parent'. Surely on here at least, people would realise that women don't have to do everything?

captainproton · 26/11/2015 15:56

No way is a playgroup going to keep track of who is married, separated or in a same sex relationship. They are going to send one text to one contact number per child. Get over it. The people who run these groups are on a tight budget so can't afford to send surplus texts to professionally offended types, they get paid very low wages and probably have a lot of paperwork as it is to do. You want your DH to get more texts why not get him to do the organising of your child's life in future?

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 26/11/2015 16:06

Maybe I am ridiculous but whatever, just the fact I asked them to put him as secondary but nope, he's bloke he MUST be the only one that deals with all the invoices - silly little woman won't know what to do!

i would put this down to incompetance (user error) more than sexism.
The way to test this is ask the man to phone up and get you as a the 1st person see what happens.

Some old systems don't have "secondary" person on them as well.

susannahmoodie · 26/11/2015 16:11

I get this.

My DS is in reception and there have been a number of things where I have thought .....home time being called "mummy time", a class list given out because "lots of mums have asked for this...." But like you I feel if I said anything I'd be pegged as a stirrer. I never do pick up, dh does it every time.

Jenijena · 26/11/2015 16:20

Whenever I get a call from my son's nursery (if he's had any head injury, for example) I ask 'have you called his dad?'. I think they must think I don't care about DS, but his dad is the main contact, more likely to pick him up during the day, and dies at least half the interactions.

kickassangel · 26/11/2015 16:45

I'd be tempted to go one step further tbh.

Too late now, but a text back saying that as a woman you find it hard to man anything, but you'll see if the adult penis owner of the family can help out.

Then I'd be overcome with embarrassment and want to dig a hole to die in.

It is really crappy though - not only is it the assumption that you WILL give your time up, but it also implies that men can't/won't get involved with their child's activities. Which is pretty isolating for the men, and limits the scope of parent/child relationships. Isn't it meant to be better for the kids to have close bonds with BOTH parents?

MrNoseybonk · 27/11/2015 09:43

"It is really crappy though - not only is it the assumption that you WILL give your time up, but it also implies that men can't/won't get involved with their child's activities. Which is pretty isolating for the men, and limits the scope of parent/child relationships. Isn't it meant to be better for the kids to have close bonds with BOTH parents?"

When I was not working and DW was, school had my number and I received all the texts and requests. When I started working and DW stopped we changed the contact number and she gets them all.
For offers of help, especially day trips, there's a definite clique at the school which doesn't include any dads.
It's always the same handful of mums who go on the trips away to help. When DW volunteered, they didn't accept her offer of help because she's not in with the clique. I guess this contributes to why there are no dads there.
With cubs, there's no clique and mums and dads both go on trips and help out, quite equally split.

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