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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

The small things

76 replies

NiNoKuni · 18/09/2015 20:16

I'd read the various threads there have been over the last few months or so on here about titles and, even though I'm a Mrs DHname, totally agreed about the outdated absurdity of it all. In this spirit, I have now taken to choosing the most outlandish title I can when ordering things and currently have a package on the way to Commander NiNoKuni. This makes me giggle like a loon and I can't wait to get it Grin

What small yet oddly satisfying things have you done in the name of feminism? Or are there things you still really want to do (besides smashing the patriarchy, obvs)?

OP posts:
IsabelleEberhardt · 18/09/2015 23:23

Whenever I eat at one of dp's brother's or his parents house, I eat about double what I usually would. This is to make up for the fact they serve out 'man size' portions for the men.

I do eat more at dinner than dp normally. He snacks a lot more than I do throughout the day whereas I really pig out at dinner. Plus I'm breastfeeding and generally am more active than dp is. But I eat a lot more around his family. They obviously haven't noticed as they still do the man size thing, but one day I'll get there!

scalliondays · 19/09/2015 11:00

I offer to help male colleagues and occasionally random men in our work car park change flat tyres... car and bike tyres. My dad wouldn't let me borrow the family car when I passed my test until I could change a flat so I can do it albeit slowly. Once shocked a man who kindly stopped to help me at the roadside by having already changed the flat and felt very satisfied

Original poster
NiNoKuni · 20/09/2015 07:56

Heh, those are ossum!

I've thought of a couple more - I always hold a door for a man (and women!) if I can. They're usually a little surprised but look a bit chuffed.

When writing (for work), I use gender-neutral pronouns where possible instead of defaulting to 'he/him'. I always pay attention to this in things I read, too. Some authors do make an effort to use either they/them or a mix of pronouns. They always get a mental gold star from me Grin

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ALassUnparalleled · 20/09/2015 12:30

I've thought of a couple more - I always hold a door for a man (and women!) if I can. They're usually a little surprised but look a bit chuffed.

That is good manners and has nothing to do with feminism. Goodness knows where you live but it must be pretty grim if the simple act of a female person holding a door open is so rare it causes surprise.

Original poster
NiNoKuni · 20/09/2015 13:12

That is good manners and has nothing to do with feminism. Goodness knows where you live but it must be pretty grim if the simple act of a female person holding a door open is so rare it causes surprise.

Well, actually I've done it in all manner of countries on two different continents and reactions have been similar

That'll teach me to start a lighthearted thread in FWR, won't it?

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Thefitfatty · 20/09/2015 13:18

When I see a new guy at my gym (I'm generally the woman in the weight lifting room) I correct their form and tell them how to use the machines. I generally also lift more then they do, but that's just because I've been doing it longer, not showing off (feels good though).

ALassUnparalleled · 20/09/2015 13:18

It's simply not a feminist issue.

I think you may be confusing a normal reaction of a smile or an acknowledgement of the act of politeness as a surprise.

Trying to make this into a feminist issue is sexist in its own way.

Original poster
NiNoKuni · 20/09/2015 13:30

*I think you may be confusing a normal reaction of a smile or an acknowledgement of the act of politeness as a surprise.

Trying to make this into a feminist issue is sexist in its own way.*

Oh, I'm too tired for a fight. You win. Have fun.

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Original poster
NiNoKuni · 20/09/2015 13:31

Oo, bold fail as well. I'm just failing all over today!

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twoboystwogirls · 20/09/2015 14:13

When writing greeting cards to a couple, I always put the woman's name first, and sign off with my name before my husband's. I started this because I noticed it was always women who wrote the cards for my family and yet they put their DH's name before their own. Screw that!!!!

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 20/09/2015 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scallopsrgreat · 20/09/2015 14:37

I'm going against the gender stereotypes and being the only mum at mini rugby and joining in.

At work I use the same words about the men's behaviour as they would use to describe women's behaviour and name it for what it is rather than couching it in bullshit e.g. gossipy, over emotional (when they get angry especially), forgetful (rather than too much on their plate - because I'm finding out that is actually rare). It's quite an eye opener.

YonicScrewdriver · 20/09/2015 14:54

If it helps, Niño , I often disagree strongly with what lass thinks is and isn't a feminist issue!

ALassUnparalleled · 20/09/2015 15:04

Holding a door open for the person behind you is polite. I would hope everyone does that and teaches their sons and daughters to do so regardless of the sex of the person coming after.

Thinking that holding doors open is something men do for women is an outdated, sexist and stereotyped attitude.

Amethyst24 · 20/09/2015 15:27

This is not a feminist issue but I spotted an elderly man hurrying not-fast-enough for a bus the other day and stopped it and put my foot in the door until he caught up then I moved my foot just in time and watched the bus go sailing off as he spluttered impotently, and then I stole his walking stick, because feminists hate men and we get off on that sort of thing. Was lovely - it made my day and his, I think.

Original poster
NiNoKuni · 20/09/2015 15:28

Thinking that holding doors open is something men do for women is an outdated, sexist and stereotyped attitude.

Tell that to my DH. He holds doors open for me all the damn time and point blank refuses to let me do the reverse. I have to resort to some very tricky manoeuvres sometimes just to make a point. He also helps women with prams off buses and down steps. He's what used to be called a gentleman. He will do the same for men but he's not quite as adamant about that. That's about as sexist as he gets.

So these attitudes do still exist, I have the EQ to differentiate between surprise and gratitude, thank you very much, I don't feel I'm sexist and I don't live anywhere 'grim'. It usually happens more face-on, so when one's coming out and one coming in. If I cede precedence to a bloke, he's often surprised (and yes, politely acknowledges it as well). If he gives way to me, I make sure I say thank you, cos manners, and I don't go around bullishly opening doors for men and prodding them through with a stick and a scowl.

I think it's weird it only happens with doors since men generally take up far more public space, but there you go. I'd suggest it's a hangover from said outdated sexist attitudes, but this is far more in depth than I ever envisaged this small thing would go.

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Original poster
NiNoKuni · 20/09/2015 16:01

Grin Amethyst

scallops I'm totally stealing that language idea! Do you notice any effects? Is it like the Bechdel test? As in once you do it you can't not do it?

tbtg I do that too!

thefit I'd totally be showing off if I could do that Grin

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YonicScrewdriver · 20/09/2015 16:18

News flash - people's experiences differ. Who'd've thunk it? Grin

I have one - it was very apparent to me yesterday for possibly the first time in a Dr Who episode that there were 5-10 minutes of screen time when the major dialogue was from and between women. Would've liked to have seen a few of the cannon fodder snipers be women, but progress!

scallopsrgreat · 20/09/2015 16:57

I've found it uncomfortable speaking about men in terms we would normally reserve for women. Also I haven't really wanted to use some terms that people probably wouldn't think twice about using about women e.g. 'dippy', 'bitchy' or 'high maintenance' because they just aren't pleasant.

I work in a male dominated office. We have some seriously grumpy men. So I use words like rude or temperamental because they would certainly be described as that if they were women (and more). That shocks them to hear their own behaviour bring described as such as they are used to it being excused or couched around 'stressed' or 'says it how it is' or 'you know where you stand'. You can also see the cogs of the brains of other people turning when you describe their colleagues behaviour as such.

And of course the benevolent chauvinist still exists. It is perfectly valid to observe and to counteract those stereotypes.

scallopsrgreat · 20/09/2015 16:58

And yes I do the same twoboystwogirls. It gives me a little satisfaction whilst doing the wife work of Xmas cards for example!

YonicScrewdriver · 20/09/2015 16:59

Cool that everyone is reporting on different aspects.

YonicScrewdriver · 20/09/2015 17:01

Yy re Xmas cards - though for me it's the tags as DH does cards, or not, just as he likes for his family.

ALassUnparalleled · 20/09/2015 17:09

I really don't get this "wife work" concept particularly in relation to something as trivial as Christmas cards or family birthday cards.

Send the cards or don't send them, up to you. The person who can be bothered writing them signs their name first. For Christmas cards that is my husband.

If neither of you can be bothered, don't send them. I don't see the point of willingly taking on "wife work" and then complaining about it.

I've never sent a card in over 30 years to any of my husband's family - they are not my responsibility.

scallopsrgreat · 20/09/2015 17:12

Whatever Lass.

ALassUnparalleled · 20/09/2015 17:15

Yeah whatever - the wife work idea just seems being a martyr for the sake of it.