Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

The small things

76 replies

NiNoKuni · 18/09/2015 20:16

I'd read the various threads there have been over the last few months or so on here about titles and, even though I'm a Mrs DHname, totally agreed about the outdated absurdity of it all. In this spirit, I have now taken to choosing the most outlandish title I can when ordering things and currently have a package on the way to Commander NiNoKuni. This makes me giggle like a loon and I can't wait to get it Grin

What small yet oddly satisfying things have you done in the name of feminism? Or are there things you still really want to do (besides smashing the patriarchy, obvs)?

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 21/09/2015 07:13

Bulb, I don't think anyone is looking down on card senders! Just that a number of us have spotted that, once married, there can be an expectation from various inlaws that cards, presents, thank you cards etc are the wife's responsibility.

Thefitfatty · 21/09/2015 07:16

expectation from various inlaws that cards, presents, thank you cards etc are the wife's responsibility.

My in laws must be sorely disappointed in me. I've never sent a card in my life.

YonicScrewdriver · 21/09/2015 07:18

TFF, I don't think it's universal by any means! But I doubt there is a any set of inlaws who ever expected it of a DH...

Thefitfatty · 21/09/2015 07:21

No I doubt it highly. My parents don't expect it of my DH that's for sure... Although, DH did buy my grandparents a thank you card when we went to stay with them for two weeks. Luckily though I don't think the whole cards thing is particularly Canadian or South African, so we're not really under pressure for it.

ChunkyPickle · 21/09/2015 07:34

Bulb - I think the only cards I would enjoy making and sending are cheesy photo cards.. in fact, perhaps that's what I'll do with DS for FIL!

For me it's not the card writing itself (which, if I did it, would be a beauteous production line of ticklists), but the fact that it's yet another task I'm expected to be doing, and it doesn't occur to anyone that DP would.

We just threw DS1 his birthday party, and I took pleasure in giving every kid exactly the same stuff in their party bags and just chucking any old colour balloons in each one. My heart always sunk when I was a kid and saw that a parent had 'girls' and 'boys' party bags (thankfully more rare when I was a kid)

Tirfarthoinn · 21/09/2015 07:38

DH has always sent more cards than me. It never occurred to me until now that the in laws expected me to take over that job!
DH is probably more of a feminist than me though

CrayonShavings · 21/09/2015 11:16

I've made my default assumed pronoun (when I don't know either way) she/her, especially around my DC. For example, if we're on the train, I'll say 'the driver's going very fast today, isn't she?'

And always, always fire fighter, police officer, etc.

I can't think of a gender-neutral version of postman though...

Original poster
NiNoKuni · 21/09/2015 11:44

Chunky Do people actually do gender-based party bags?? I can't remember this from my own childhood Confused

Crayon That's a good one! Also stealing that Grin

And just as a little aside: the package arrived today. The postie didn't half give me a funny look, probably expecting someone with a handlebar moustache. Also turns out they print your title on all the accompanying literature (pic attached)! My mum will be thrilled with my promotion...

The small things
OP posts:
ChunkyPickle · 21/09/2015 12:42

Yeah.. > 50% of the party bags DS has got in the past year, the hosts had two stacks - one for boys and one for girls.

Superheros visited one party - Spiderman, Batman, and Elsa (?!), and all the girls (even the ones in batman costumes themselves - generally either pink batman or with a batman tutu) were sent to stand with Elsa, and all the boys to spiderman or batman when they were knocked out of the games - completely pointless sex grouping.

Crayon - Postie I think is the closest you can sensibly get :) much like 'Milkie' for milkman - if you're one of the vanishing number who get milk delivered

PlaysWellWithOthers · 21/09/2015 13:51

NiNo.. gendered party bags have been a 'thing' for a while. DS2 is 17 and when he had his 5th birthday party I did party bags where everyone had the same. A couple of the girls' mothers were heard remarking how I obviously hadn't put any thought into the bags, after all, what girl enjoys playing with a yo-yo? I think one of the girls got a blue balloon, and her mother swapped it with someone else, so she had a more appropriate colour!

Oddly, DS wasn't invited to many parties after that. I'm not sure if it was because of my party bag social faux pas or that the parents were just a bunch of ablist shitheads. DS2 has ASD and impeccable manners

Thefitfatty · 21/09/2015 13:54

what girl enjoys playing with a yo-yo?

Oh dear lord. I don't even know this woman and I want to slap her.

YonicScrewdriver · 21/09/2015 13:56

Err, party bags are the definition of things that no thought should be put into, surely?

What a rude thing for her to say!

Original poster
NiNoKuni · 21/09/2015 14:01

Hmm. DS is only 14 weeks old so I've been out of the kids' party loop for a few decades. Still got all this to come.

When I were a lass, you were lucky to get a bit o' cake wrapped in a serviette chucked in a bag!

OP posts:
PlaysWellWithOthers · 21/09/2015 14:18

Oh Yonic... you need to go and read some of the party bag threads. It seems that party bags are a fucking social minefield. Put the wrong things in one, and you are a pariah.

The saddest thing the yoyo mother said about her DD who was a truly delightful child was that she was nice, but wasn't ever going to set the world on fire. I really hope she met lots of people along the way who showed her what a star she really is. Sad

Original poster
NiNoKuni · 21/09/2015 14:23

Are party bags wifework as well?

And ew @ yoyo mum, ffs.

OP posts:
ChunkyPickle · 21/09/2015 14:27

They did boys and girls hampers at the Christmas fair last year, they issued a list of contents that parents had to sign up to buy. Girls were to have a skipping rope and a 'girls sticker book', boys were to have a ball and a 'boys sticker book'.

DS1's best mate's mum and I subverted it by getting animal sticker books, and frog-based playground toys.. we were new in reception and didn't want to get too much of a reputation yet! Now I've been around a year, and I'll still stick to playground subversion rather than head-on assault as I know how the fund-raising lady operates and I would get no-where.

There's an American mum/kid at DS1's school who finds the whole squished cake in a napkin thing totally horrifying - so I tried it her way and fed the kids cake during the party. I will be doing that from now on :)

ChunkyPickle · 21/09/2015 14:28

I love doing the party bags.. and I love handing them out even more, 5 year olds are hilariously direct (even the super polite ones slip occasionally)!

CrayonShavings · 22/09/2015 11:51

Postie is perfect, thanks!

My DC party bags are gender neutral, for eg this year they were all filled with Frozen stickers, a pen and notebook, toy car, chocolate pennies etc.

I hate the idea that gender neutral is just stereotypically boys things for everyone.

MadrigalElectromotive · 22/09/2015 13:24

I have one male friend who does the dreadful arm in the small of the back ushering thing to me. Apart from that, he is a nice guy, so instead of killing him ( Wink ) I started to do it to him. We were at a pub recently and I managed to usher him all the way through to the garden. He was walking faster and faster to try to get me to stop doing it. He hasn't done it to me since. Grin

NeverEverAnythingEver · 22/09/2015 14:52

Trying to picture that Madrigal. Grin

Original poster
NiNoKuni · 22/09/2015 14:53

I've got to try that one next time the opportunity arises Madrigal!

OP posts:
Hovis2001 · 22/09/2015 23:20

My little thing: I changed the headlight bulbs on my car this weekend, using the manual and a screwdriver. It involved sitting on the pavement and reaching up into the wheel arch in a really inelegant and mucky fashion. Passers-by looked fairly Hmm. It was my first bit of car DIY and I had a few moments of "argh I've messed it all up I need a MECHANIC" and then I thought "fuck it, you will do this", and I did. Stupid wee job really but I felt very kick-ass when I wandered back in covered in grease. Grin

MsMermaid · 22/09/2015 23:34

We have a new bloke at work. He is a young man who is very much a junior, joining an established team of experienced women. He started calling us all "lovely ladies", every evening as he left. Well, I called him " sweetiepie" a few days ago in reply. He didn't know what to say or do, but once we had explained that patronising pet names work both ways. I know that he's just a young man trying to be charming and "gentlemanly", but I can't ever imagine a young woman calling a group of more experienced male colleagues anything like that.

DontHaveAUsername · 25/09/2015 20:55

Is lovely ladies and sweetiepie patronising? I guess that would have gone right over my head.

PlaysWellWithOthers · 26/09/2015 14:42

Not sure Don't.

I suppose if you have a problem with men infantilising women to make them look inferior to those men it might be seen as patronising. It probably depends if you want to be treated as a doll or a human really.