My husband, the working dad

[TravellingToad]

Would I be unreasonable to start referring to all fathers who work as "working dads"?

I'm a business women, earn 6 figures, manage employees and have 2 children. Yet I just get reduced to "working mum". My husband who also works has NEVER been called a working dad.

It irritates me a lot, possibly unreasonably but I bristle every time someone says it purely because it just seems like another phrase that doesn't get applied equally across the sexes. To my ear it sounds like "women driver" or in a daily mail article "Grandma, 65, killed" whereas they would say "Man, 65, killed"

Does this get on anyone elses goat?

My MIL is the same. Very pointed comments about "working mums" and then made a comment about a family who's son has autism "well what does she expect she's always at work she can't spend much time with him" DH pulled her up on that one and she really back peddled.

When we told her we were employing a nanny for DS1 she started crying.

Yes... Poor DS with all that one to one attention in his own home with a lady who adores him...

If I could find a job that was 9-5/6, close to home and involved no trips I think I wouldn't feel guilty.

Oh wow she cried! I don't think my mil would cry about it but I can imagine some choice words would be had behind my back.

Bloody hell! I am feeling quite grateful for my relatively detached MIL. I'm sure she thinks I'm weird as fuck (and equally I think they have no idea I earn twice what DH does) but she doesn't try it on to my face.

Great thread - this kind of thing drives me crackers. My DD is 2 and I have noticed that while fathers are given a variety of inducements to take their DC to special dads' playgroups on a Saturday (one even offers bacon sandwiches [jealous]) there is nothing on offer on a Saturday pitched at 'working mums'. Because obviously we're all on part-time hours, aren't we? DH goes because it buys me time to do lesson planning (and they have 'nice coffee' [jealous][jealous]) but every time I see the flyer that says 'give Mum a break' I get enraged again!

Oops I forgot one is envious, not jealous on Mumsnet.

"Give mum a break". AAARRRGGGHHH. I'd bloody break something if anyone says that to my face.

Both my mum and my MIL worked. No such nonsense from them.

But Toad, she cried!?

Yes Phineyj. No jealousy allowed.

What's the jealous/envious thing about?

Oh it's only that we've got the envy emoji but no jealous emoji.

I went to a seminar on flexible working at my place recently and the hr person said that a significant percentage of new requests (I can't remember, but I think it was a third) are from new fathers

Maybe slow changes are happening

Yes we were having dinner and mentioned it and she started crying at the table. Awkward Silent tears rolling down her cheek that we all pretended not to see and shuffled about and changed the subject.

I went to a meeting earlier this year, just a couple of women, a few dozen men. I was pregnant, so of course you get the usual: Is that your first? Oh, second - but who's taking care of the first when you're here? The other parent? And you're not worried, leaving them home alone like this?

You would think I left DC1 with a 5-year old, not my perfectly capable husband. Of course, most men had kids themselves and had never considered if their wives can cope at home..

Toad Wow.

(hey Up)

Toad that is unbelievable. my mum and my MIL both worked and I'd never get such an emotional reaction from them.
It's the "breast is best" attitude exaggerated all over again.
ffs , I wish people, especially family and close friends, just appreciated each others choices and supported them - whatever our circumstances are nobody really has the ideal situation they'd like to have, we all make compromises and feel guilty about different things already.
why some people feel the need to make us feel bad is something I just won't understand.

I've read an article recently about an amazing photographer Lynsey Addario who said that although having children is the norm for many families for a professional woman it is a hard decision to make. (not a word for word quote).
She is a Purlitzer Prize winner, was kidnapped in a war zone and has had a life not many would choose. and despite all of that she decided to have a child, knowing her job will require her to not always be there for her son, husband, family.
I admire her so much

I don't hear people refer to themselves or others as working or nonworking mothers.
They usually say what they do and leave the mother bit out, unless they say they aren't working atm and at home with dc.
Not trying to undermine your argument as obviously people here have experienced it.
Sometimes I've been asked where dc are if out and about, it doesn't upset me though I just answer them.

Really potato prints? You've genuinely never heard the phrase working mum? I'm amazed by that. Not calling you a liar (!) just amazed.

morethan have you genuinely never seen this phrase printed in a newspaper or magazine, heard in a discussion on radio or tv or come across it anywhere in the media?
I don't think women generally use it to describe themselves, but it is certainly used about women all the time.

Yes, I've seen it in papers, but don't hear people talking like this, honestly.
No friends or relations describe themselves as working or non working mums. They just say what their job is or not as the case may be.
I do hear the where are the dc often though?
I don't mind this though as it is very unusual for me to have been without one or more than one of them.

Yes I think it's NOT people referring to themselves as one but the media/people referring to others as one. Which is most of the problem! It's not even a self styled title. Rude bastards :)

Really good FB link. Thanks. Has anyone done the test they mention at the beginning?

Also wanted to say thanks for the Facebook link. Especially useful in that Facebook is seen as a very desirable place to work among young male programmers I know, so coming from them is an extra bonus.

Also enjoying @manwhohasitall

cheminotte do you mean the Harvard Implicit Bias link they mention?

implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html

Have done one of them (note: I got a bit confused about why I was being asked all these questions about what makes someone American, then realised I needed to go back and pick UK ). It does need a keyboard, so not doable on a phone.

I am certain poor victorians couldn't afford one partner to give up work, which is why they had the nurseries that feed babies gin, to help them sleep.
So a not working wife was very aspirational, "i can afford for my wife to stay at home, and not work"

According to my MIL I work because I like my independence My DH presumably works to pay mortgage and put food on our table. Ironically me and DH both do the same work, work for the same company and I earn more than him......Working to be independent sounds like I may run away at any time