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Original poster

Wedding 'giving away' tradition

116 replies

Marzenka · 13/05/2015 15:05

What do you think of the wedding tradition where the bride is 'handed' to the groom by her father? It is not common in other countries and cultures. Do you like/accept it or do you find it too old-fashioned and slightly insulting?

OP posts:
Koalafications · 13/05/2015 23:29

Although I have been given the followed by a Sad quite a few times when people have asked me how DH proposed and I have replied "At home, just the two of us". They feel very sad that I didn't get a grand proposal. Grin

I was bloody relieved. DH was under strict instructions and knew that I would have been furious if he had proposed in public and would probably have said no.

sausageeggbacon11 · 14/05/2015 10:26

My ExH did the one knee thing but DH did his in Bronte Country while we were having a weekend away. I always like the he proposed and I said business as I always felt I was in control and it was my decision.

DF would have been horrified if he couldn't walk me but first time round was a really quiet wedding which I wanted but found I would have preferred a big event which happened second time. My weddings were some time ago so tradition was still seen as normal.

Original poster
Marzenka · 14/05/2015 10:30

So many replies! I see that for those who chose to walk with their dad/mums/other relatives the reason is the tradition and the fact that it would please the father (or whoever does it) - which is great.

Does it often happen that the person who "gives away" is not a man? Of course it started in the times (not so long ago) when women were fully dependent on men (obviously they didn't work, very rarely were owners of their houses, so had to be protected by those who did - men). But now it's only the traditional thing so I could be any close relative? What is your experience or observations?

As for the mono-cultural aspect: I don't know how popular it is (tried to google but couldn't find any direct answer), I know as a fact that there are countries (Christian, Western coulture) where is does not and has never existed, however due to widespread US films and tv even there I've seen (not often) people choosing this (British in origin?) tradition for their wedding.
The most popular (where there is no give away custom) ways of entering a church (or an office) are: bride and groom walking together and parents and witnesses following, or sometimes in front of them; and both walking with their parents or if parent(s) had passed away - with some other close relative or senior friend.
If anybody has different information please share!

P.S. I've just found an interesting article about early Christian weddings where the bride was 'given away' by a married women and later on by a priest or a widow!
P.S.2 Sorry about grammar, if there's anything unclear I'll try to re-word it!

OP posts:
avocadotoast · 14/05/2015 10:35

The only times I've seen it not be a man were circumstances where the father had died (my cousin's dad passed away so her mum did it instead. She doesn't have any close male relatives that would have taken the role).

My friend was walked in by her grandad as she's never known/had contact with her dad. That was a very traditional wedding though.

Saying that, I haven't been to many weddings so my experience is a little limited!

Bue · 14/05/2015 14:57

Card carrying feminist here, but walking up the aisle with my dad was hands down my favourite moment of the day. I know it's antiquated but this was one instance where I honestly didn't care. He didn't "give me away" as part of the service though, in fact the current C of E service doesn't contain this bit. Instead there is a question where the priest asks if the families of the bride and groom will support and uphold the marriage. Much nicer. I have never heard the "who gives this woman?" bit at a wedding. You need to be using the old version of the marriage ceremony to include that.

Koalafications · 14/05/2015 14:59

I had the 'who gives this woman' in my CofE service. Was quite funny at the time.

worldgonecrazy · 14/05/2015 15:06

I'm a handfasting/wedding celebrant and we never do the "giving away". Of course, many dad's have always dreamed of walking their daughter down the aisle, and a similar number of brides want to make a big entrance - and why not? We ask for the blessing of the family (or families) on the union instead. We also have a lot of couples who choose to walk in as equals, and one lovely couple who liked the symbolism of the groom walking back down the aisle to meet the bride halfway.

HubertCumberdale · 14/05/2015 15:10

I want my dad to walk me down the aisle because it'll be his bit of the ceremony. I want him to have a role and I think that's a nice one. My mum will be with me to get my dress, and we'll do other things together, so yeah it'll be nice for my Dad to have a 'thing'.

HapShawl · 14/05/2015 15:11

The handfasting I went to had two celebrants, one man one woman, and the male celebrant led the bride and the female celebrant led the groom to each other

This was a legal ceremony though - they had married formally at the registry office and this was a blessing

HapShawl · 14/05/2015 15:12

*wasn't a legal ceremony

mamalovebird · 14/05/2015 15:23

I walked down the aisle on my own.

It just didn't feel right for me, mainly due to the relationship I have with my parents. My dad is dead but had he been alive, I still wouldn't have done it. I left home on my 16th birthday and they just weren't interested in me from then on. I made my own life.

SenecaFalls · 15/05/2015 00:31

On the current CofE service, William and Kate had the "Who giveth this woman to be married to this man" business (and Kate's dad lifted her veil before he handed her over, sorry but that's a patriachial bit too far for me.)

So is this (the giveth part) no longer a part of the service or were they just using an older version?

HapShawl · 15/05/2015 03:20

I agree but as I say I have been to two weddings in the last year where it was included - one was Methodist and the other CofE

"'Giving Away'
This traditional ceremony is optional. Immediately before the couple exchange vows (Marriage here and Marriage within Holy Communion here) the minister may ask:

 	     	Who brings this woman to be married to this man?
 	 
 	The bride's father (or mother, or another member of her family or a friend representing the family) gives the bride's right hand to the minister who puts it in the bridegroom's right hand. Alternatively, after the bride and bridegroom have made their Declarations, the minister may ask the parents of bride and bridegroom in these or similar words:
 	 
 	 	N and N have declared their intention towards each other.

As their parents,
will you now entrust your son and daughter to one another
as they come to be married?

 	Both sets of parents respond:
 	 
 	 	We will."
HapShawl · 15/05/2015 03:22

I must have forgotten that about the royal wedding. I wonder whether that prompted more uses of that optional bit?

Eastpoint · 15/05/2015 05:04

Gosh it never occurred to me that I might be given to anyone, but we got married in a register office and I don't remember how I got to the table at the front (no video as it would have been too much fuss). We didn't have any speeches at the reception either as I didn't trust my father to be nice.

HellKitty · 15/05/2015 05:37

I married XH in a registry office so wasn't given away. He didn't need my DF to give me away to make me feel like a controlled possession, he managed that by himself.

DF sadly died but me and DP will be getting married, I want DS1 to give me away. More as a total, 'here's my mum, this is our family' now.

YonicScrewdriver · 15/05/2015 07:32

I don't remember discussing with our vicar whether we included the "who giveth this woman" part - different vicars may explain it differently!

SanityClause · 15/05/2015 07:39

Just chatted to my wife about this.. We are committed Christians and for her she says she leaves her feminist side at the door of the church. Some won't agree this this but hey ho,

Can't be very committed if she believes something different in Church to what she believes at all other times.

LotusLight · 15/05/2015 07:42

No asking permission here nor 20 years ago when I married as we are all feminists.

My daughter walked herself down the aisle at the church - yes she has legs and is not owned property.

I (mother, highest earning of the parents not that that is necessarily relevant but certainly a contributor to the cost of the day rather than a pretty non earning mother of bride there for decorative purposes) gave the only parent speech.

Felt pretty good. Pity the two mothers of the couple - top lawyer/doctor could not be named on marriage certificate and the lower earner men could! Cameron is supposed to be changing that.

LaundryFairy · 15/05/2015 07:47

A minister friend of mine used to tell couples he was marrying that he would only do the 'giving away' bit if the bride's family brought pigs along to complete the financial transaction. Most couples changed their minds after that!

YonicScrewdriver · 15/05/2015 07:56

That campaign was started by a MNer, Lotus, she's been on here a few times re her petition - Cameron didn't come up with it himself!

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-politics/11041636/Mothers-on-marriage-certificates-victory-Cameron-pledges-to-add-mothers-names.html

YonicScrewdriver · 15/05/2015 08:02

"I (mother, highest earning of the parents not that that is necessarily relevant "

And yet you mention it in nearly every post Grin

I sometimes amuse myself picturing you writing an opinion at work;

"To my mind, and that's the mind of a woman who earnt 10x more than her husband ever did, widget A is more promising than widget B."

shockedballoon · 15/05/2015 08:08

My mum walked up the aisle with me. Had my DF still been alive it would've been him. I don't see it as them 'giving me away', but more coming with me to welcome DH officially into the family.

I like that you go in separately and go out together. It does make me wince slightly at it always being the woman who goes in accompanied.

Reflecting on it though, I would probably have done it differently and had both of us wait outside, then both walk down the aisle at the start - DH with one of his parents and me with my mum.

Koalafications · 15/05/2015 08:34

The only part of the service that my priest told us up front that he refused to do was use the vows 'Honour and Obey'. We wouldn't have wanted to say that anyway but he said that he has refused to marry couples who wanted 'Honour and Obey' before.