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Original poster

Wedding 'giving away' tradition

116 replies

Marzenka · 13/05/2015 15:05

What do you think of the wedding tradition where the bride is 'handed' to the groom by her father? It is not common in other countries and cultures. Do you like/accept it or do you find it too old-fashioned and slightly insulting?

OP posts:
HapShawl · 13/05/2015 20:07

I agree about a lavish proposal. Also dp and I have discussed this and have said that if we choose to get married we would let people know by saying "we have decided to get married" rather than "he has proposed and I accepted" or similar. I know it is just words etc but the distinction is important to us

INickedAName · 13/05/2015 20:42

My dad often said he would never forgive me if I married and didn't let him give me away, going so far as to say he wouldn't attend. He'd say "if you loved me you'd be proud to have me give you away"

We always planned to get married in registry office, just dh, me and two witnesses and that's exactly what we did. Dad had died the year before, but if he was alive when we married, I have no doubt that he'd have disowned me for not doing what he wanted.

He used the word "tradition" a lot, but threw a strop and my brothers wedding when he couldn't make a speech, but the father of the bride could, apparently that's not "tradition" it's SIL playing "favourites" he ruined the whole day sulking and I knew then I'd never be having a family wedding.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/05/2015 20:42

Yes, it was "we've decided to get married" for us, it would never have occurred to me to say it any other way if I'm honest. Although I think that's pretty standard, I don't recall ever hearing anyone announce an engagement by saying the DP had proposed.

DadWasHere · 13/05/2015 20:48

"Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" is not a phrase I have ever heard in any wedding I have ever been to. As to who walks down the isle with the bride I have seen a lot of different combinations, bride alone, bride with flower girls, bride with dad, bride with parents, etc.

The interesting thing I think is the groom waits at the front of the ceremony for the bride to join him. People do not really seem to care these days who walks down the isle with the bride, but I bet their heads would explode if it was the bride at the front first and the groom walked up the isle.

Nervo · 13/05/2015 20:58

I think the 'Who giveth this woman?' is common in the Church of England. I haven't seen it in any of the Church of Scotland weddings I've attended.

Remember, we've had mother's professions on the marriage certificate for decades. England has still to even add mother's names at all or have I got that wrong?

My sister's husband was walked down the isle by his parents, my sister by my parents. Joining of two families being the symbolism I suppose. They also all drank whiskey from a quaich. I think.

avocadotoast · 13/05/2015 21:03

I wasn't that arsed to do it, but it meant a lot to my dad and I didn't want to take it away from him. We definitely didn't do it in a "who gives this woman to be married" way as we had a very quick civil ceremony. I remember watching my friend being "given away" at a religious ceremony where her hand was passed from male relative's to husband's and that made me a bit Hmm

(And, in all honesty, I'm glad I had someone to lean on while walking down the aisle - kept me steady!)

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/05/2015 21:10

I've heard "who gives this woman etc" at most weddings I've been to (mostly CofE).

scandichick · 13/05/2015 21:16

It's been tradition to walk up the aisle together in Scandinavia since the Middle Ages, to show that the couple are getting married of their own free will.

I love the symbolism of that, and it was nice to walk in together from a practical perspective, too - we could be nervous together instead of apart.

Recently the Anglo-Saxon handover hast started creeping in, despite church resistance (they want to keep it equal). Back when I was on wedding rather than parenting forums, many attributed their break with tradition to wanting a 'special moment' with their dad. Funnily enough, they never craved that special moment with their mums...

YonicScrewdriver · 13/05/2015 21:17

DWH, the break with tradition is surely more likely to lead to walking down the aisle together, or each with own parents, not simply reversing the current set up?

TheBookofRuth · 13/05/2015 21:20

My mum gave me away. There was only me and her growing up, so it seemed appropriate to have her hold my hand and take me to the next stage of my life.

SanityClause · 13/05/2015 21:22

i got married in Las Vegas, and Elvis walked me down the aisle. He didn't "give me away", though, mostly because I wasn't his to give.

Pico2 · 13/05/2015 21:26

I wasn't given away. DH and I came in together. It didn't occur to me until about 10 years later that my dad might mind. I asked if he did and he said "I gave you away years before that" as DH and I had been together about 7 years before we got married.

YonicScrewdriver · 13/05/2015 21:52

Sanity, you win the thread Grin

HapShawl · 13/05/2015 22:14

Sanity Grin

Whoknows, a lot of my acquaintances have announced in that way recently - I am sure it varies among groups obviously

newbieman1978 · 13/05/2015 22:26

Just chatted to my wife about this.. We are committed Christians and for her she says she leaves her feminist side at the door of the church. Some won't agree this this but hey ho,

As for our church wedding, she says she took it very much as pomp and ceremony with the important bit being the commitment in the eyes of God that meant everything to us.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/05/2015 22:28

I'm at that stage now where weddings are few and far between (late 40s, most people I know have been married a long time), it's just the occasional colleague now, so I don't hear many announcements, I may be out of date! But definitely back in the days when most of my friends were getting married it tended to be "we're getting married".

HapShawl · 13/05/2015 22:36

I don't think you're out of date - I would far rather it were normal to announce that way among the people I know who are getting married! I am late 20s. None of my close friends have decided to marry so far, so it may be different if/when they do.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/05/2015 22:55

Let's hope so, "DP has proposed and I've said yes" does seem a bit one-sided. Even if it was how it happened.

YonicScrewdriver · 13/05/2015 23:13

I think I said 'we're engaged'

MsDragons · 13/05/2015 23:16

We're getting married this summer. When we announced our engagement most people expected a big romantic proposal and were disappointed when it was a fairly dull conversation about legalities. So amongst my circle the proposal is seen as a big thing.

I will definitely not be given away, I am not property! My dad won't be walking me down the aisle either, although he doesn't know that yet. I intend to walk down the aisle with dp and our DDS, as a family.

SenecaFalls · 13/05/2015 23:18

I am pretty sure that I also said "I'm engaged." And conveniently provided my own ring, given to me a few years earlier by my grandmother.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/05/2015 23:24

You know I don't think I've ever discussed how anyone's DH proposed to them in real life. I have no idea if any of my friends' husbands did the lavish gesture, or whether they just decided. Or indeed whether the woman proposed. It just wouldn't be something I'd ask, seems like a private matter to me.

Koalafications · 13/05/2015 23:25

My DF walked me down the aisle. It was really important to him, I'm not a dad so I have no idea why it was but I didn't take any offence to it.

My DF knows I'm not his property, so there wasn't any real feeling of him giving me away. It was just a really nice 5-10 minutes before I got married in the wedding car with my dad.

DadWasHere · 13/05/2015 23:27

Let's hope so, "DP has proposed and I've said yes" does seem a bit one-sided. Even if it was how it happened.

Well, my partner proposed to me but I dont think it matters. What matters are things like 'I keep dropping hints but he is not getting the idea I want him to propose.' Stuff like that makes my bile rise.