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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Married names

77 replies

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 12/03/2015 16:43

DP & I were talking about marriage last night and the theme of married names came up.

I said we were fortunate because our last names go well together and he said he didn't like double barrelled names because he thinks they're pretentious and besides it's only a name so what does it matter. My response was that if he truly believed that then he could change his name but apparently that goes against tradition and is just being silly and a sign that feminism isn't focusing on important things that matter.

But this is important to me and I decided ages ago that I'd choose to keep my name on marriage. Do you see this as a minor side issue when we should be focusing on better things or is this a matter of principle?

OP posts:

LastOneDancing · 13/03/2015 12:10

I changed my name when I got married simply because I never liked my origional surname and nobody could spell it. DH's was much nicer.

Shallow

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/03/2015 12:13

I don't like mine either, DH's is much nicer, but no way was I changing.

Jessica147 · 13/03/2015 13:27

I quite like the idea of having alternating - dc1 has mine, dc2 has DP's etc. It seems like a good compromise. Dp's mum will probs go ape-shit though.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 13/03/2015 13:31

I am not keen on that one personally. Especially not if you have three

Jessica147 · 13/03/2015 13:42

Penguins, that's the joy of going first!

I might see if DP is amenable to a deal - DC can have his surname if I get to choose their forenames.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 13/03/2015 13:46

I am not saying that this is by any means universal, but I also know one mum who feels that it set up a bit of a 'your child/my child' divide between her two. Of course, I know lots of blended families where it has made not a blind bit of difference who has what name. But that's what she said. I don't think it helped that it worked out a son with his dad's name and a girl with hers.

TeamEponine · 20/03/2015 08:03

I kept my surname and DD has my surname. DH is planning to take my surname soon.

People were generally not too surprised at me keeping my surname. We've had a few raised eyebrows at DD having my surname. FIL only accepted it because she's a girl and therefore will be changing her name when she gets married anyway! Ummm, yes, just like her mother did.

Reactions to DH saying he wants to take my surname have been quite entertaining at times. People just find it very strange that a man would choose to take the name of his wife. I'm really not bothered either way, it is entirely what he wants.

HoVis2001 · 20/03/2015 08:20

My DH has a double barrelled surname, mine is single-barrelled. When (touch wood) we have DC they will have the first of his two surnames followed by my surname. We may hyphenate as he isn't hyphenated and it causes confusion!

The only thing I'm dreading is that I suspect that his DF, whose surname is being 'dropped', will feel hurt -- whereas it would never occur to my DF to feel hurt if the children didn't have my/his surname. I may be being overly paranoid and it may be fine, but I really don't want to have to point out to my (lovely!) in laws that if it's a choice between dropping a grandparent's surname or the mother's, the latter comes first for us!

avocadotoast · 20/03/2015 08:21

It isn't a side issue at all. I was always adamant I'd keep my name on marriage (partly because my dad only has sisters who all changed their names, and if me and my sister changed ours too, the family name wouldn't carry on IYSWIM. It's not an uncommon name, but it is my name!).

In the end DH and I double barrelled, but he did say that he would've taken my name if I didn't want to double barrel. He felt quite strongly about us and any future children all having the same name, he just didn't mind whose it would be. I think in the end doubling up felt like more of an equal union than one of us taking the other's name.

qumquat · 20/03/2015 11:54

I don't think it's trivial at all. Re children's names. We followed the Spanish system of two surnames, no hyphen. If dd wishes to just use one socially that's fine with me, but it's important to use she has both our names officially. In Spain nobody changes their name on marriage. Children take one name from each parent. The name which continues down the line is the traditionally the grandfather's name, so still patriarchal, but at least the mother's name lasts an extra generation.

OutsSelf · 20/03/2015 16:50

My DC have different surnames, DS has DPs and DD has mine. We named DS for DP as DP's dad had just died, leaving DP as the last one with his surname. We named DD for me because I wanted her to have my name. Subsequent children will probably be named on a case-by-case basis

We haven't found it entrenching anything like a your child/ my child division. That sounds quite strange to me: like there is something else at play which somehow the naming issues symbolises. I find it highly doubtful that it caused the issue though.

OutsSelf · 20/03/2015 16:51

Woops posted too soon.

Our health visitor informed me that people would think the children have different fathers. She wasn't able to say why that was a problem, though...

itsbetterthanabox · 20/03/2015 17:46

Don't marry him then op. If he already thinks so little of you. You don't have to marry him.

knittingdad · 22/03/2015 14:39

My first marriage: Neither of us changed names or ever intended to. When registering birth of daughter had massive problems with old-fashioned registrar who was insistent that DD couldn't have my surname as a middle name and her mother's name as a surname as - of course - they would both adopt my surname when we married (which we weren't intending at the time anyway). Still seething about this thirteen years later.

Second marriage: I had no hesitation in adopting my wife's surname in the interests of simplicity and having a family name.

If husband-to-be has a problem with double-barrelled names (which I also think are pretentious, and just give the problem to your child - what do they do when they get married?) then he has a simple remedy of taking your name.

IvanOsokin · 22/03/2015 14:49

We weren't married when our children were born so the idea of one of us changing our name or not hadn't come up.

We decided to give our children my surname - mainly on the grounds that society expected us to do otherwise and we found that sexist! They have his surname as their middle name.

When we married many years later, it simply didn't occur to us that either of us would change our names.

MsFanackerPants · 22/03/2015 15:39

DP and I are getting married next year. I will keep my name and he will keep his. DD has both our names, also not double barrel. It wasn't until i started reading mn i realised that was an option. DD can chose to use both or one when she is older ( and as my surname is shorter i reckon she's going to learn to spell that first compared to DPs 10 letter surname). People have asked "waht about when she has kids?" (she is 16 months!) and the answer is she can decide.

DP totally understands why i want to keep my name and was a little sad that his sistet changed hers when she got married.

slightlyglitterstained · 23/03/2015 23:25

Not married. DS has my name, as is traditional for children of unmarried mothers.

(Find it bizarre when people invoke tradition as a reason for married women to change but then for unmarried women they shouldn't follow tradition for children's surnames, instead they should use...the man's name Hello patriarchy. )

FeelingSwell · 23/03/2015 23:39

Alex, are you allowed to say different names for different children?
Say, first child will have man's surname, and second child will have woman's surname? Or boys will have father's surname, and girls will have mother's surname?

I started off with a double-barrelled name before I married, which I really didn't like - a) both parts of the name were rubbish, b) I hated how long it was c) it was my father's name and he was crap. I was more than happy to get rid of it, and wish I'd changed it to something of my choice by deed poll when I was 16!
I am not attached to names - was happy to take DH's as it is nice, but had it not been, I'd have discussed us choosing something shiny and new.

anothernamechange1234 · 24/03/2015 00:12

Of course children can have different names!

Op, I would ask your dp about other stuff - maternity/paternity leave, childcare (will he do any?) what expectations he has of the rest of your lives are. I wouldn't be happy about marrying a man with such stupid views who associated with idiot friends. Maybe your Dp just needs educating on this but do check he isn't an antiquated dinosaur on other stuff too.

YonicScrewdriver · 24/03/2015 01:02

Another, Swell is referring to the specific laws around names in Greece.

Original poster

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 24/03/2015 11:35

Ooh good to see that this is carrying on without me. We've had another discussion on this and still no agreement on either side. It was made slightly worse when I brought up that I'd want my children to have my last name seeing as I'd be the pregnant one, so if I kept my name on marriage the option for children would either by my surname or double barrelled.

It seems to be a real sticking point with him which is unusual as he's not like this with anything else. If I psychoanalysed it I'd say it's probably linked to being 1 of 4 boys and having lost his father early on so the name seems important. Either way my name is equally important to me so I guess we'll have to revisit this again...

In terms of other things he does his equal share of housework AND thinking about housework, says the right things about sharing childcare and wanting to take paternity leave and has even suggested being the SAHP due to our different careers. Of course talk is cheap and these could turn out to be fancy words when it came to the crunch (hopefully not) but we won't be getting to that point if we can't get to some agreement on this first!

OP posts:

Original poster

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 24/03/2015 11:36

*either be not either by...

OP posts:

YonicScrewdriver · 24/03/2015 12:51

You keep your name
He keeps his name
The child is double barrelled or has your name if he thinks that's pretentious (and his name could then be a middle name e.g. Karen Joanne Smith Jones rather than Karen Joanne Smith-Jones)

Sounds fair.

knittingdad · 25/03/2015 15:52

Does he get embarrassed about doing things that are generally considered unusual, or not normal?

I'm just wondering why he is so wedded to the tradition on married surnames. Does he have the sort of friends or family who would make fun of him for taking your name, or for his children not having his surname?

Jackieharris · 25/03/2015 16:27

Naming is symbolic and symbolism is very important.

Men can seem all 'in favour of feminism- oh of course' as a way of getting women to like them but when it comes down to it most of them are quite happy with the priviledges patriarchy gives them. Naming being the most obvious.

If he's 'traditional' about this is he also 'traditional' ie sexist about gendered parenting roles, sharing finances, equal careers, housework and everything else that's discussed on fwr?

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