Married names

[OneFlewOverTheDodosNest]

DP & I were talking about marriage last night and the theme of married names came up.

I said we were fortunate because our last names go well together and he said he didn't like double barrelled names because he thinks they're pretentious and besides it's only a name so what does it matter. My response was that if he truly believed that then he could change his name but apparently that goes against tradition and is just being silly and a sign that feminism isn't focusing on important things that matter.

But this is important to me and I decided ages ago that I'd choose to keep my name on marriage. Do you see this as a minor side issue when we should be focusing on better things or is this a matter of principle?

Still, Alex made no claim to her post applying in the UK.

I'm pretty sure she's in Greece.

Have put this post separately so I can withdraw it if you like, Alex.

With the usual caveat that it's from wiki.

In the past, women would change their surname when married to that of their husband (again in genitive case) signifying the transfer of "dependence" from the father to the husband. In earlier Modern Greek society, women were named with -aina as a feminine suffix on the husband's first name: "Giorgaina", "Mrs George", "Wife of George". Nowadays, a woman's legal surname does not change upon marriage, though she can use the husband's surname socially

A law dictating that a woman in an EU member state must use her husband's name or must double- barrel it in a certain order seems unlikely

Alex said this was a law requiring couples to agree on the surname of the children prior to marriage, not the surname of the spouses. The choices are:

• mother's surname
• father's surname
• double-barrel with the father's surname first.

As you said, if it's a minor matter he can change his. Would you be happy with both keeping your own names or are you really set on both of you double barrelling? If it's the former then that's easy, just don't change yours. The latter is harder as you can't make him change his.

Still, Alex was very clear that she was referring to the surnames of children of the marriage.

OP, I'm sure you're capable of holing more than one thought in your head, so in terms of importance the changing (or not) of your name is as important as you feel it is. You're right about the contradiction of "but it's only a name, what does it matter?" And "i could never change my name"!

I am back to clarify the matter myself.

I am indeed in Greece, and yes, the law in Greece states that couples must sign a declaration agreeing on the surname of any eventual children of the marriage prior to getting married. I had to sign just such a declaration. Spouses retain their own names. There is nothing to stop you doing whatever you please socially, you can call yourself Daffy Duck if it makes you happy, but officially your name remains the same.

The choices as regards children's surnames are exactly as tripbot said above.

If you wish to change your surname, you have to apply to the court and go through a lot of hassle.

Anyone who kept their own name, or didn't get married: what surname did you give your DC? DP and I are ttc, so this has only recently crossed my mind and I'm not sure what I want to do.

Jessica - I changed my name. But I've thought a lot about what I'd have done otherwise.

If I'd kept my name, I think I'd have double barrelled the kids.

Or possibly I would have double barrelled too (then DH could have done so too if he minded being the odd one out).

I know it doesn't matter to a lot of people, but having at least partially the same name as my kids would matter a lot to me.

penguins dp and i were talking about that the other day - if we got married i might double-barrel (either way would keep my own name, but might add his), and i would probably want children to be double-barrelled. he said he might feel left out and would probably change his own name too, which was interesting

But this is important to me and I decided ages ago that I'd choose to keep my name on marriage. Do you see this as a minor side issue when we should be focusing on better things or is this a matter of principle?

Well obviously if you both asked him to change his name to yours there is no way you could also worry about FGM

Does he think getting stick is more important than a "tradition" which is literally about women being owned by their father and passed to their husband?

Slavery was tradition too.

I changed my name, and I never regretted anything as much OP. I never got used to it and even though DH and I are still happily married years later I'm going through the hassle of going back to my name.

Really wish the kids had been double barelled from the start.

Groundhog - Are you changing your children's names too? I think that, at some point in the future, I might add a double barrel, but I think i'd leave the kids as they are now.

Kids have dh's name and I have my own.It doesn't matter to me that we don't all have the same name. Kids ' names sound much nicer with dh's surname

Greenstone - That's another reason I'd never suggest double barrelling the kids now. Their names sound rubbish with a double barrelled surname. I'd have picked different ones

We've not got married, and I won't change my name when we finally get round to it (we'll do it eventually, simplifies things in the event of emergencies)

DS1 and DS2 initially both got DP's surname, but we've just deed polled DS2's back to mine, as I'd been regretting it since registration. One each seems fair :) I'd given DS1 and DS2 the same name because I thought DS1 might feel it was favouritism if I didn't, but I spoke with him, and he doesn't care at all. DP doesn't mind (MIL is going to be scandalized when we tell her, but she's lovely and will cope with her disapproval I'm sure).

Interestingly, you can only change a child's name to the father's from the mother's through re-registering. If you want to change from father's to mother's then you have to deed poll (in England at least).

Do you find it especially sexy when he says what you care about isn't important and you have to do what he wants because he's afraid of "getting stick"?

I think a man who can't make his own decisions and be proud of them isn't old enough to be getting married.

Yes, Penguins. They need passports so will have to do it soon. Gonna be expensive with that and deedpoll I guess.. :(

There are a surprising amount of actually quite 'right on' men who are in that case not old enough to get married bathtime.

It's a real sticking point for a lot of men and I'm not sure why. Suck it up it's not hard to see why it's sexist. I spent ages trying to convince Dh to change his name and it was like I was asking him to cut his dick off. Seriously. Same for friends of mine in similar situations. And they all had really rubbish excuses for not changing their names. Men don't like to admit that they care about this tradition because it allows them to keep their heritage and pass it on to their children while basically being the "head of household" because now wifey has his name. So they make excuses rather than say actually changing your name is just shit. that's why I don't want to do it.

I can totally see why somebody might not want to change their name. I didn't want to.

But "people will laugh at me" is such a lame reason for doing (or not doing) anything.

It's all so convenient, double barrelled names are "pretentious", the whole family has to share the name, men can't change because people might tease them ... Oh, what a coincidence! We're back to you having to take my name because you are a woman.

For me it is a cultural thing, I cannot think of one single reason to change my surname. Where i am from women do not change their names at marriage. I have a different last name than dc and has never been a problem. It is not something that bothers me but for what i have seen it is important for ppl in english speaking countries.

But "people will laugh at me" is such a lame reason for doing (or not doing) anything.

It's the lamest reason.

I would actually like to change my surname. Not to dh's, but just because it is one of the most common surnames in the English speaking world. When I was at school, in my class there were 5 other people with the same surname, one with the same initials as me.

I would like to have something more unusual.

Jessica: my husband and I are expecting our first baby next week. Me keeping my name when we married was not an issue at all, he didn't want to change his name and could totally understand why I didn't want to change mine, but he did care about what his future children would be called and we had a few conversations about that. We've agreed to name them Firstname Middlename Mylastname Hislastname (no hyphen). From talking to other people who did something similar it seems like the effect of that is that the last last name is treated like the proper last name and the other one is sort of a surname and sort of a second middle name. That means that my surname will have a bit less status but this issue mattered more to him than me. My body bears the evidence that this child is mine so I'm less bothered about her having my surname as her surname to prove a link to me but I did want my surname in there somewhere. Good luck with your decision.

Violet: we (dp, dc and me) are in a similar situation : firstname middlename firstsurname secondsurname , no hypen , not by choice but because we are from a spanish speaking country. As you say most people thing that the firstsurname is another middle name. We have to constantly correct them and for most informal purposes we just drop the secondsurname (for legal purposes we keep both).

Since my two surnames are different than my dp's we have a total of 4 surnames among both of us. Not a problem in our home country but here get some faces. Not a real problem though, jus a minor inconvenience.

Mine have DH's name.