My mother just told me off for being "too feminist"...

[bagelfiend]

.... Because I said that I don't think I should have to change my name when I get married.

She proceeded to tell me that "it's been that way for years- why get fussy and change it now?"

I struggle to believe that she made me

That is a good tip about pants! I didn't change my name on marriage but do use married name for school as the kids use our titles and Ms is awkward. My DF has had a lot of problems understanding this. In the end I told him it was a stage name and he grasped it.

My mother, who is generally as placid as they come, flies into an absolute rage whenever I mention anything even related to feminism. She likes to tell me how excited she was about getting to iron my dad's shirts when she got married, and cannot comprehend why I wouldn't feel the same (I don't iron anything). Okay if feminism isn't for her, but I fail to understand why she's so angry about it.

And then there's my brother. When I told him I was reclaiming my birth surname and going double-barrelled with DH's name, I thought he'd be pleased that our unusual surname was being brought back into circulation. But no, his comment on that was "I'd never let my wife do something like that!". Which may be why he still doesn't have a wife at aged 39. He also told me I was deluded telling my daughters that they could achieve anything, because it's a man's world and the sooner they realise that the better.

They are both also terrible racists and my mum is homophobic too. I have absolutely no idea how I got to be the person I am with family like them!!

tribpot - we'd have been Arsaus, which isn't as bad as yours but still not ideal!! Okay written but doesn't sound out well.

Annie- "I'd never let my wife do something like that"....

Never let my wife have her own bloody identity!!

My mum is terribly homophobic and racist too. She told my aunty that she was brave for 'putting up with' a gay daughter

Great thrush prevention tip- thanks!

Annie - she may feel particularly aggrieved that you're rejecting her philosophy of gender because it attacks her as a woman directly. On the other hand, given she sounds hideously bigoted, she would probably feel the same if you got together with someone from a different ethnicity or came out as gay. Your brother sounds delightful - hard to believe he hasn't been snapped up I assume you were too polite to reply "what wife?". I wonder what century he thinks we live in if a husband has to give permission for a wife to use the name of her choice.

Arsaus is definitely up there with Pinuus. I'm saying it as 'arse-horse' (with a silent h if you know what I mean) in my head My own as I say as 'pea-noose'.

Our name won't have any vowels in the first 4 letters.

You could do Saarus. That looks quite exotic.

I was thinking arse-house.

It has occurred to me that my mother sees my feminism as an attack on her life choices. But if she's secure in those choices, why is she so defensive? Perhaps deep down she feels short-changed somewhere, even though she's very quick to tell me that she's never encountered any resistance to her choices in her life due to her gender. She has been a teacher and a SAHM. What resistance to these traditional women's roles would she expect to encounter, exactly?

I also wonder if it's because her own mother was a trail-blazer who got herself into university to study dentistry back when women "didn't do that", who was incredibly successful and independent, but also rather cold and packed my mum off to boarding school (which she hated). So I can see why my mum might have some negative views of female empowerment if at some level she feels it deprived her of a loving mother.

It would be nice if she would take the time to examine these possbilities herself though, rather than just to thoughtlessly consider it fine to attack me whenever I try to talk to her about something that she knows is very important to me.

Thankfully my own dm was a proper 70's women's libber so I was brought up feminist.

FIL on the other hand was horrified that I didn't change my name on marriage but not only that, the dc have my surname! He actually said "Do I not have a say in this?" well, no ......

PIL have always refused to use mine or the dc surname on anything written but this year they addressed our Xmas card to Mr and Mrs Dh initial Dh surname which, tbh, after all these years I see as provocative and was livid about it.

I changed my name. I wanted to.
But if our surnames had sounded better we would have double-baralled. If I didn't like his surname, I would have kept mine.
I don't think it matters what you do, more that you do it because you choose to.

I remember when I was about 19 and I told my mum that I was a feminist, her reply was "no, sorry bagel, you're clearly not because you really like cooking"

That's the kind of shit I'm up against!

We're deedpolling DS2's surname to mine (it alliterates, and DS1's alliterates with DP's surname) before we get his first passport. I like my name, and feel no urge to change it. MIL is horrified.

It is my biggest regret (actually probably my only real regret) that I had wobbles about giving him my name from birth (I was worried DS1 would think I favoured him - DS1 couldn't care less it turns out), and due to the sexist way things are set up, I can't change DS's surname to mine without a deedpoll but they'd let me change it to DPs - and change the birth certificate!

But it makes sense to be a good cook if you are a feminist - it means you can have your food and eat it!

(But of course cooking-agnostics can also be feminists.)

Because all the world's most famous cooks are feminists, bagel?

"it's been that way for years- why get fussy and change it now?"

As others have given examples, women have endured a lot of crap because of this attitude.

There is nothing wrong with keeping your name!

Normally I'm quite strong stomached but for some reason I can't hack the thought of thrush spores. And the thought will not go away!

Sorry Rotcod Go and have a good ironing session, then at least the spores will go away even if the thoughts don't.

One word. Napisan

Nothing to stop you keeping your own name in addition to taking name of fiancée's. That way everyone is happy.

Fayyive, everybody won't be happy if bagelfiend takes her husband's name in addition to her own - she said she doesn't want to change her name.

FIL on the other hand was horrified that I didn't change my name on marriage but not only that, the dc have my surname! He actually said "Do I not have a say in this?

Hahahahha That's amazing.

I had a discussion about why couldn't I change my dcs name to include mine when they would happily do it the other way chunky. I said, "you do realise that's discrimination, don't you?". In the woman on the phone's defense I got the feeling she was on my side but obviously it's nothing to do with her. Oh well. I should never have changed my name in the first place* and I should have definitely gone back before the first dc so there were no issues. Oh well :(

For anyone who has never met s Ms Dhsname, I am one. But I'm American and have been Ms since I was a teenager (at least)

• (I fought the good fight but dh made feel guilty for ages until I caved)

I kept my name. I love my name. DC have my surname as a middle name.

MIL has me in her phone as 'Bug DHsurname'. I am so tempted to change it to my actual name when she's not looking .

Do it, bug!

I'd change but only because I have a very unusual family name and DP's would be easier. Also I would have the same name as DD. but other than that I wouldn't bother.
How can you be "too much of a feminist"? Is it really baffling in this day and age that all people should be equal?