Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Do you let a guy pay on dates?

42 replies

PlayNice · 01/12/2014 15:09

www.aftmagazine.com/engage/debate-fcking-time-women-started-paying-dates/

I went on a first date a few weeks ago where I was accused of emasculating him by offering to pay. I really like to pay my way when I'm dating someone, and I was wondering how other people manage the split? Am I the only one who feels like who pays for the first date has any importance at all?

Do the married folk out there have a standard practice when it comes to who pays, or does it depend on the evening? I'm especially curious as to the effect becoming a SAHM has on stuff like this.

OP posts:
momb · 01/12/2014 15:11

I pay for groveries. DH pays for takeaways and nights out, unless it's somethign we've had to buy tickets for in advance as I'll have bought those.
No idea why it is split like that, but yes, it does mean he gets to pay the bill in restaurants.

momb · 01/12/2014 15:12

groceries (sigh)

IneedAwittierNickname · 01/12/2014 15:13

If a man offers to pay then I'd be happy for him to. Likewise if he wanted to split the bill.
I've always offered to pay my share. So far never had a man accept the offer.
(No idea what that says about me)

Lottapianos · 01/12/2014 15:13

I think for first dates, whoever suggested the date should pay. Then if you have a second date, its the other person's turn.

DP and I take turns to pay for restaurant bills, pub rounds, concert tickets etc. We split big things like holidays 50-50.

DuelingFanjo · 01/12/2014 15:15

Offer to split when they try to pay the bill. If they insist on paying themselves promise to pay next time.

BertieBotts · 01/12/2014 15:16

I'm married, we just use whichever account is feeling flush, we don't have separate finances as such, though we do have separate accounts for wage purposes.

I like the theory that whoever suggested the date should pay, that works for me. Mostly though I've dated when I've been young and skint, so we've just paid for ourselves, or he's earned a lot more so paid for me. It just seemed to be what made sense rather than it being a male/female split.

Legionofboom · 01/12/2014 15:17

DH and I pool all our money into a joint account so we pay from that. There is no he pays/she pays.

I daresay that is against the MN rules though.

Original poster
PlayNice · 01/12/2014 15:19

Yeah, I like the idea that whoever suggested it should pay. I do find guys can be quite uncomfortable with that though, especially in groups of couples. That might suggest that they're the wrong sort of guys for me to be dating in the first place though… ;).

OP posts:
molesbreath · 01/12/2014 15:23

DD and her boyfriend (17) don't have any of this angst.

She has more money than him (PT job) which pays better than his (PT job)

She will often pay for him as she says she wouldn't be able to go with him otherwise.

chocoluvva · 01/12/2014 15:24

Same as legion. The downside of this is that if he buys me an extravagant birthday or Christmas present I feel likes it's a waste of 'our' money. (I don't tell him that though).

NomorepepperpigPLEASE · 01/12/2014 15:25

I'm quiet happy for anyone to buy me lunch!

chocoluvva · 01/12/2014 15:27

My DD has been known to subsidise her BF too molesbreath. In their case she has a part time job and he doesn't. In general she's generous to a fault though.

Original poster
PlayNice · 01/12/2014 15:39

Yeah, I had an ex who I paid for most of the time as he was unemployed and I wasn't. I found it really awkward to deal with, though. He'd be quite cavalier with my money (like giving a pizza guy a £4-5 tip if I let him take £20 to pay for a £15-16 pizza), but if I ever called him on it, he'd be awkward and grumpy about me paying for things for the next week =/.

OP posts:
QueenoftheRant · 01/12/2014 16:00

I'm a sahm. Dh sticks his salary into our joint account - we always used to pool it anyway. The person who pays is the person who gets to their card soonest while the other juggles anything else (eg kids). Not that with kids we get to go on dates, but you did ask.

MN164 · 01/12/2014 16:26

My partner has a credit card and I have a second card on the same account. The card gets paid off from our joint bank account into which we put our incomes.

Who pays is simply a case of who can be bothered to type in the PIN number.

Terribly egalitarian isn't it?

Surely the romance is in the conversation over dinner and perhaps the coffee later? Smile

ChunkyPickle · 01/12/2014 16:38

DP and I share all money - so whoever happens to have a hand free to get out a card pays.

When starting going out with someone, then whoever suggested pays, unless you're seeing a lot of each other in which case alternating.

I did go out with a guy once who scrupulously split bills - even for a 10 quid asda curry (had me do a bank transfer as soon as we got home) - he didn't last long. I add that's because we both earned well, I'd paid in full when something was my idea, and I could just tell that he was a bit hung up on money (he did things like casually leave payslips lying around where I would be sure to see them, or talking about how much his car/house/jacket cost)

PuffinsAreFictitious · 01/12/2014 18:28

That article is.... interesting

Even back in the dim and distant past, when I was still dating, I always paid my way, apart from once when the man took me to a ridiculously expensive restaurant, but I made it clear before we went in that it was way out of my price range, so no dramas.

DH and I share our money. We only have one card for the account though, for the pure and simple reason that it's easier to keep track of what's going where if we do.

YonicScrewdriver · 01/12/2014 18:51

Take turns.

And re your other question: I would advise anyone considering being a SAHM/SAHD to ensure that all finances were shared and probably that marriage or equivalent legal protections were in place before doing so.

Legion - joint accounts/shared money I think are generally favoured on MN.

YonicScrewdriver · 01/12/2014 19:07

Original study, which was on a US data set despite the references to UKIP in the debate article
www.nerdwallet.com/blog/finance/featured-articles/who-pays-first-date-gender-roles-couples/

YonicScrewdriver · 01/12/2014 19:08

Worth noting that more men than women though they should pat

ItIsSmallerOnTheOutside · 01/12/2014 19:12

When I used to go on first dates I'd either split the bill or if he absolutely insisted on paying for dinner, I'd be sure to pay for drinks afterwards etc.

With my dp we tend to take turns, though I've probably paid for more meals out then him. He pays more for other things though. We don't keep tabs but neither of us feel put out.

RaspberryBeret34 · 01/12/2014 19:24

With online dating, I prefer to pay half and always offer to do that if it is dinner or offer to pay (and really mean it rather than half-heartedly reaching for purse) if it is just a coffee/cheap lunch. If it is drinks, I take it in turns to buy. In a dating relationship, I take turns (although in a recent relationship, it always seemed to be my turn when we had an expensive steak and his turn when we went for a cheap curry Hmm)

I never expect a man to pay on the first date and if he makes a big song and dance along the lines of I Am The Man And Therefore Must Pay, I know he is a sexist wanker we won't be right for eachother. One guy told me "it probably isn't a good idea to mention that you're a feminist on the first date..."!

SevenZarkSeven · 01/12/2014 19:27

I was going to ask if this was an american thing and then got thrown by the UKIP reference!

I think it depends maybe on your social circles / what you like to do? My dates usually started in the pub and it was taking it in turns to get drinks and so equal and went from there. But I've never gone for men who had much in the way of money / or who were into asking out for "dinner" for a first date IYSWIM. Which is why I wondered whether it was around US dating rituals as surely many dates in UK start in pub / bar and loads of women even ones who might say OK to him buying dinner aren't that tight that they wouldn't get a round in IYSWIM!

Anyway. Clicked the other link and I find this stat baffling: "Gender roles remain strong for paying household bills: 35.9% of men surveyed pay 100% of household bills compared to 14.3% of women. Slightly more than one-third of men and women surveyed split household bills." WTAF? How does that work then? So you have a place together and pay rent / mortgage, do the weekly shop, pay the leccy etc and he pays for the whole lot? How does that come about then Confused Is it to do with SAHP or something?

SevenZarkSeven · 01/12/2014 19:30

Hmm 15% of women pay all the bills as well.

Is there a standard exchange in the states that we don't know about eg one pays all household bills and the other pays for the cars / transport / insurance or something? I find that really hard to understand!

YonicScrewdriver · 01/12/2014 19:55

Seven, it's a pretty crap survey but yes, I assumed it meant that the couples each paud different bills, or possibly that one of the couple actually owned the flat so paid more bills.

Swipe left for the next trending thread