Do you let a guy pay on dates?

[PlayNice]

www.aftmagazine.com/engage/debate-fcking-time-women-started-paying-dates/

I went on a first date a few weeks ago where I was accused of emasculating him by offering to pay. I really like to pay my way when I'm dating someone, and I was wondering how other people manage the split? Am I the only one who feels like who pays for the first date has any importance at all?

Do the married folk out there have a standard practice when it comes to who pays, or does it depend on the evening? I'm especially curious as to the effect becoming a SAHM has on stuff like this.

[zippey]

I'm not a big fan on who suggests the date should pay. So if a person wants a group meal with 10 other friends, should they foot the bill? No, I think whoever eats, or enjoys the benefits should pay, and it should be 50:50, or you pay for tickets, I'll pay the food.

I think this is maybe targeted towards couples in the early stages of romance though. Men paying is all about power play, and it implies there is an expectation at the end of the date for something in return, which is why it bothers me. I think it's sexist and mysoginist at the same time.

[YonicScrewdriver]

Play Nice, this is a survey for marketing purposes ie the consumer website commissioned it to get some press attention. It's likely no such thing exists for the UK.

[AdoraBell]

I've been with DH for 20 years, but I used to offer to pay and other than one occasion when a BF was caught out by a surprise price hike and I paid because he couldn't I've not had anyone accept.

My DDs are now 13 and go out Occasionaly with The BF, and parents, and even though I give them money and tell them to pay half neither the BF nor the parents have allowed them to. The most DD1 has been able to pay for is her own popcorn at the cinema. Yet when I chaperone the boy's parents always want to give me money to cover the date.

We are in Latin America and a little behind the trend

[sunflower49]

DP likes to pay when we go out. I've taken him out for birthdays and other occasions but generally if we go somewhere to eat or to drink, he pays. He won't mind if I get myself an extra drink if he's elsewhere talking to friends at a 'do, for example but as a rule, he likes to 'take me out'.

I was brought up like this, too-my Dad pays as 'head of the household'. (Obviously) I don't think like this now, but some men , even young ish men, really seem to not like women offering to pay.

I wouldn't like it if a man used it as a form of control but as I do earn my own £ and DP and I have a good relationship, It's fine.

However I pay for a lot of household/lifestyle stuff, I drive he doesn't and I sort out the car, and I pay for other things. We dont go out all that much, but anything 'date night' ish like a bottle of wine or treat food, he pays for. He likes it-I do buy him stuff too, though.

Meh. I sometimes think It's not so much a feminist issue as a 'What works for me/you/us' thing.

[Canyouforgiveher]

I'll tell you what. if I offered or tried to pay and a man accused me of "emasculating" him, I'd run for the hills. and I suggest you do the same OP.

[PlayNice]

I'd love to see stats for the UK. I've had a google, but it's difficult to find the specific words to bring up the right studies.

[wolflight]

DH almost always gets the bill. Our money is in separate accounts but most of it comes from his salary and we view all of it as ours. He always picked up the bill when we were dating too, regardless of who suggested it. I would tend to book tickets in advance for things though. It's not something we've ever kept tabs on really.

[Dragonlette]

When I was dating dp he offered to pay on our first date, so I let him buy the cinema tickets, then I bought the popcorn/drinks. Drinks in the pub were usually taking turns.

Now it's normally me who pays when we go out anywhere, not sure how that came about but probably because I earn more and we don't share finances so my account is more likely to have something in it.

[Primaryteach87]

Before we were married (and not living together) we generally split the bill but we weren't precious about it. Sometimes I would treat him and vice versa.
After marriage we share all money in a joint account with no separation. So who 'pays' is immaterial. This has remained the same regardless of financial changes e.g he has been a student, I have, I've earnt more, he has, now I'm SAHM). The principle is all money earnt is ours.

[Trills]

When talking about paying bills did the survey make sure to ask "whose money pays for the bills" rather than "who fills in the direct debit form"?

[YonicScrewdriver]

[YonicScrewdriver]

I don't get how they can be taking turns if 57% of them only have a joint account? That's just taking turns to tap in the pin.

[JapaneseMargaret]

DH and I both work, have a joint account and so all money is pooled money.

Back in our courting days, we'd take turns though having said that, he's Irish, so trying to pay for anything when he's around can be a bit of a battle!

[Trills]

Taking turns is much nicer than paying for your own half.

[YonicScrewdriver]

Sorry, so more than half of them had only a joint account, so does that mean couples where the split was not 50:50 all came from the separate account holders?

[YonicScrewdriver]

"More than half surveyed (57.4%) have joint bank accounts; 16.2% had both joint and separate accounts, while 26.4% kept separate accounts. Those percentages remain relatively constant when broken down by gender."

The couples surveyed were 18-64 so I assume there were a fair few SAHPs in there as well.

[YonicScrewdriver]

Seven, it's a pretty crap survey but yes, I assumed it meant that the couples each paud different bills, or possibly that one of the couple actually owned the flat so paid more bills.

[SevenZarkSeven]

Hmm 15% of women pay all the bills as well.

Is there a standard exchange in the states that we don't know about eg one pays all household bills and the other pays for the cars / transport / insurance or something? I find that really hard to understand!

[SevenZarkSeven]

I was going to ask if this was an american thing and then got thrown by the UKIP reference!

I think it depends maybe on your social circles / what you like to do? My dates usually started in the pub and it was taking it in turns to get drinks and so equal and went from there. But I've never gone for men who had much in the way of money / or who were into asking out for "dinner" for a first date IYSWIM. Which is why I wondered whether it was around US dating rituals as surely many dates in UK start in pub / bar and loads of women even ones who might say OK to him buying dinner aren't that tight that they wouldn't get a round in IYSWIM!

Anyway. Clicked the other link and I find this stat baffling: "Gender roles remain strong for paying household bills: 35.9% of men surveyed pay 100% of household bills compared to 14.3% of women. Slightly more than one-third of men and women surveyed split household bills." WTAF? How does that work then? So you have a place together and pay rent / mortgage, do the weekly shop, pay the leccy etc and he pays for the whole lot? How does that come about then Is it to do with SAHP or something?

[RaspberryBeret34]

With online dating, I prefer to pay half and always offer to do that if it is dinner or offer to pay (and really mean it rather than half-heartedly reaching for purse) if it is just a coffee/cheap lunch. If it is drinks, I take it in turns to buy. In a dating relationship, I take turns (although in a recent relationship, it always seemed to be my turn when we had an expensive steak and his turn when we went for a cheap curry )

I never expect a man to pay on the first date and if he makes a big song and dance along the lines of I Am The Man And Therefore Must Pay, I know he is a sexist wanker we won't be right for eachother. One guy told me "it probably isn't a good idea to mention that you're a feminist on the first date..."!

[ItIsSmallerOnTheOutside]

When I used to go on first dates I'd either split the bill or if he absolutely insisted on paying for dinner, I'd be sure to pay for drinks afterwards etc.

With my dp we tend to take turns, though I've probably paid for more meals out then him. He pays more for other things though. We don't keep tabs but neither of us feel put out.

[YonicScrewdriver]

Worth noting that more men than women though they should pat

[YonicScrewdriver]

Original study, which was on a US data set despite the references to UKIP in the debate article
www.nerdwallet.com/blog/finance/featured-articles/who-pays-first-date-gender-roles-couples/

[YonicScrewdriver]

Take turns.

And re your other question: I would advise anyone considering being a SAHM/SAHD to ensure that all finances were shared and probably that marriage or equivalent legal protections were in place before doing so.

Legion - joint accounts/shared money I think are generally favoured on MN.