Little or big feministy things you can do to help

[BriarRainbowshimmer]

I got the idea on the thread where people said they felt sad and overwhelmed by all the sexism everywhere, I feel the same. But surely there are things we all can do.

So let's brainstorm!
I'll start
#1. Donate to Women's Aid

I mean I feel guilty when I take time for myself. I don't blame my mum btw - dad was hopeless at that time

Love this thread. The whole toy thing is interesting and a tough one to break. A few years ago my brothers bought dd a huge train set for Christmas which she loves and still does but won't get out to play with when certain school friends come round as since she started school she has become really self aware about what is for boys and what is for girls. I think schools need to do more to de-gender jobs and toys when kids are in early years/foundation stage and the assumption that it'll be mum doing the pick up cooking dinner etc.

I think part of the problem is that even if both men and women are WOTH parents, our culture still dictates that childcare and household duties are "women's work". How many times do we see threads on here, men doing fuck all in the house even though both parties work?

Just as we are trying to show men and women are equal in the sphere of work, surely men and women should be seen as equal in the sphere of running a home or taking care of children?

We need to show our children (and other adults!) that there is no reason why men are not just as capable as running a washing machine, planning dental appointments, making sure there's clean uniform, hoovering the lounge etc etc etc. They are perfectly capable, having a dick doesn't prevent you from mopping a floor. When people (and we see it ALL the time on mn) say things like "men just don't see dust like we do", "men just have lower housework standards" "that's men for you" it needs to be challenged immediately. By doing men this disservice, we are doing ourselves a disservice.

Interesting, my DH is a mumsnetter but not with an obviously "male" name, and if he posts about anything re childcare/house stuff, it's assumed he is female. I don't think it's because the majority of mn are female either, it's deeper than that.

Yes, I do assume an MN poster is female until he says otherwise or shows by his posting. Tiggy, for one, plays on this assumption quite a lot, not that I blame him!

I know, I sometimes do it too which is awful.

Don't flame me but if we are going to persuade girls that men are quite capable of housework and should do their share of it and parenting (which we definitely should) we should also tell girls that they should learn to change the wheel on their cars, look after the engines etc. and (yes) take the bloody bins out.

We do our dds no favours if we bring them up to stand around waiting for a bloke to do all the heavy lifting! (The exercise will be good for them and make them stronger as well - too many women don't maximise what strength they actually have)

Also mums should make sure they play rough and tumble with their kids, and not fall into the trap of catching up on housework while dad does the fun stuff on weekends. Even though I'm with them all week as a SAHM, I still make sure that I get one on one play time, park time whatever, I'm not always by default with the baby while DH takes the older one.

Physical play and wrestling etc is important for girls IMO, it teaches them to not be afraid of using their bodies and to know their strength and limits, and therefore have more confidence in drawing boundaries when it matters. Their bodies are their own, active possessions, not passive things to be tickled and tweaked by others at a whim.

DH and I both realised we're already guilty of not being as physical with our baby dd, it is deeply conditioned to see girls as more fragile, or less desiring of physical play I think.

Yy grimbletart, absolutely.

I've mentioned this before, but when my ds started playgroup and saw a toy iron he said my daddy's got one of these at home. I was pleased that even though I'm a SAHM he sees those jobs as being daddy's too, but it is balanced - I take out bins, remove spiders, fix his bike etc. Mummy has her own tools.

Thing I struggle with though is that having children has made me physically weaker, and I do have to say 'we need to wait for daddy to lift that/do that with you I can't.' Also driving is difficult, much as I don't like DH being the 'default' driver. I think though it is ok to respect differences in personality and capability within these things, equality is about more than who does what.

Teach your children - sons AND daughters - the line 'colours are for everyone'.

It's all good and well encouraging your DC to play with any toys/like any colours, but they also need a 'toolbox' to deal with other people/children's pressures. The line about colours being for everyone tends to work well - other children find it intuitively convincing, adults find themselves caught out.

'When people (and we see it ALL the time on mn) say things like "men just don't see dust like we do", "men just have lower housework standards" "that's men for you" it needs to be challenged immediately. By doing men this disservice, we are doing ourselves a disservice. '

Completely agree with this and would extend it to any sexist claptrap - 'men just don't listen', 'women can't drive properly', 'women love shopping'. All of it.

'Colours are for everyone' is a lovely line

When attending children's birthday parties, give gifts that are gender neutral. DD was very popular at parties when she was in primary school because we would always send her with either a book or a science themed toy. Crystal growing kits, magnet sets and robots go down equally well with boys and girls.

Thanks MNHQ for making this one of the Discussions of the day

DH doesn't see dust, but DMIL didn't either, she always had something more interesting to do than clean.

Neither DH or DSIL were ever going to be house proud.

The non gendered gift thing is difficult with DSILs DCs. I always feel that my niece is likely to feel anything non gendered is more for her big brother than her.

Her DM hates dresses and girly things, I doubt she owns any make up. I feel DN sometimes wants to be a bit her own person.

Teach your kids to challenge all the sweeping generalisations such as "girls can't do maths", not only the speaker, but the entire cultural idea behind it that they are drawing on.
Where did the notion that girls can't do maths come from?
I always say "of course, 100 years ago it was well known that if a woman learned Greek her head would explode from the effort." (How Greek women survive was never explained here.)

Show all your children the film "Tootsie" where Dustin Hoffman dresses up as a female actor (!?) to get work and is patronized by the men around him and he starts to protest about it - and gets seen as "awkward".

Challenge any "scientific" study that "proves" women can't do difficult things - the methodology or design of the study is generally flawed (and selectively reported).

Encourage men to learn things that is now deemed "women's work", anyone can iron, it isn't reliant on hormone distribution.

Challenge any crap like "men can't multi-task" - I challenge my boss quite a bit over this - it is not his lack of Y chromosome - it's that he never practiced it when growing up!

Love this thread.

My small contribution: I've just eaten a bag of McCoy's crisps. One the back it says "Man Crisps" .

Ha ha men, I've eat your crisps! :o

The non gendered gift thing is difficult with DSILs DCs. I always feel that my niece is likely to feel anything non gendered is more for her big brother than her. Her DM hates dresses and girly things, I doubt she owns any make up. I feel DN sometimes wants to be a bit her own person.

Has your DN asked for girly gifts? If so then no issue in giving them to her. If not, it sounds a bit like you're making assumptions about DN based on her gender (and based on what you'd like)...?

I was brought up by a lone parent dad who worked full time and did all the housework. My dh does more housework and childcare than I do. It's what works for us but still some people think we're making it up if we discuss it with friends! Dh was commenting the other night that he looks forward to the day he sees an advert for hoovers that actually has a man hoovering.

Our dcs have been brought up with a feminist mindset but ds (11) still has some very sexist ideas that we struggle with. I spoke to one of dd's friends recently (14/15) who was commenting repeatedly about the way women looked on tv and how they were dressed. She was using words like bitch and slapper. No way was I letting words like that be spoken in my house. But I was trying to get her to understand that women were more than just physical entities that should conform to a certain expectation. It was hard getting through to her (if I did) but I'm not giving up!

You can give stuff though based on her interests. Like getting her a jewellery making kit because she likes jewellery, not because she's a girl and girls like sparkly stuff. Or a horse book because she likes horses and reading, rather than because girls like animal stuff.

That reminds me - I've recently got a degree and needed to have my CV polished and updated. The woman I spoke to was very concerned about filling my 'career gap' - I didn't even have a career before my degree! But apparently putting 'I was a full time mother to 3 children' is not a positive thing to have on my CV, even though it was the best time of my life. Being a parent should be valued, not something to be covered up.

lazurusb

Dyson I think has a women doing it and female voice over. The Gtech has its male inventor showcasing it, and the Bosch also has a male scientist gingerly vacuming with a tiger, though there is at least one women in the otehr scientists in the background.

I would be curious as to the gender demographic purchases based on who advertises it?

A bizarre one I have come across is when a woman returns to the workplace after having a child and is treated by other women (who have also had kids) as if they have forgotten everything???

Tiger thanks for the heads up on the Let books be books/clothes be clothes - I didn't know about those! Off to have a look now. The gendered sticker books always annoy me and I avoid them to boycott. Also saw Boots doing a Christmas box "Good things for boys" which includes juggling and dominoes www.boots.com/en/Seedling-Good-Things-for-Boys_1501658/ The "Good things for girls" has a lot of mainly pink wool and a french knitting dolly. www.boots.com/en/Seedling-Good-Things-for-Girls_1501656/ To add insult to injury "little girls will love learning how to knit with mum or drawing with dad

As a single mum I'm really trying to show DD that I can do everything - she doesn't know any different really and I'm hoping I won't let her down. She wants to be a builder one day and doctor the next at the moment and is seemingly blissfully unaware of the sexism in daily life. Sadly we got The Little Mermaid the other day and the whole marriage/needing a prince has come up ("she weeeelly wants to mawwy him mumma!") which has made me want to set it on fire in the garden and dance over it without a bra on. I have tried to counter it with "not every woman needs a man - look at us, we don't and we're a great team!".

I think it would be hard to tell gender demographic of things like hoovers because they would probably most likely be purchased by couples, who would use a joint account or the person whose account it is bought under might not necessarily be the one making the decision or using it.

I find Dyson seems quite gadgety and marketed at men these days. But I'm not in the UK so I don't get to see adverts any more.

Limb I don't think that's necessarily a bad message - it's one character who wants to marry a particular person, not the same as the message "you're nothing without a man!" - it's true that people can get totally besotted and want to marry someone, which isn't a terrible thing in itself. If you like you could talk about how love sometimes makes us do funny things and if you look at the story as a whole, it's not a good decision for her to rush into marriage with this stranger, because she ends up losing part of herself in the process. (I actually don't know how the Disney one ends - is it all happily ever after?)