Changing my name

[ManAliveThisThingsFantastic]

You can all probably guess that I have started this thread upon reading the Feminist Wedding one. I am engaged to my wonderful, supportive DP and we're in the process of planning our wedding.

My current surname is the surname of my abusive, estranged father and I am very ashamed to say I have never got round to changing it. However, my DP has a very pleasant surname with good family history.

A large part of me feels I would like to change my surname to his but another part of me questions what does this mean for my feminist beliefs. I am also very keen to keep my "Ms" title after marriage.

Can anyone give any words of support/advice?

TIA

Surely the point of feminism is ultimately to give choice and freedom back to women. If you want to change your name then that is up to you.

Use Ms if you want to.

Your surname is not just that of your father. It is YOUR name. Your identity.

My father was abusive and estranged. Didn't change my name. It was my name. Names don't just belong to men.

The feminism I believe in allows women (and anybody else) to make the choices they want without fear of judgment, shame or guilt.

I am a feminist who took my husband's name. Simply because it is a lovely name that sounded nice with my first name - I don't even have as 'good' a reason as you.

Choose and use the name you want to have. Anyone who restricts your choice in doing so isn't a feminist. They are forcing you to conform in a different way - not dissimilar to the oppression we are trying to overcome.

Feminism is not about choice. It is about women's liberation. We all make choices, some of them are supportive of feminist aims, some are not. Doesn't make us bad people but not all choices are equally feminist.

This choice perpetuates the tradition of the erasing of women's identity and patriarchal ownership.

If you want to change your name because your father was abusive, then by all means do so.

However, if it was me, that would be a reason to change to another name - but not a reason to choose my DH's name. You could choose all the names in the world, why choose DH's? Why not change to your mother's maiden name, for example? As others say, though, it's up to you.

I use Ms. I don't think it's anyone's business whether I'm married or not, so I like Ms. Again, tis up to you.

'Your surname is not just that of your father. It is YOUR name. Your identity'

Agree. My parents are both emotionally abusive and I have no attachment to my name at all. It's also a PITA to spell and I would be more than happy to lose it. However, I would never swop it for my partner's name. I'm afraid I agree completely with BelleCurve.

Would you consider changing your last name to something completely different, just a name you like, so that you and your husband still have your own names?

These two images sum up how I feel on the name changing issue:

(Sub clothes for names)

I'm not normally on the feminist boards (so you may not find this relevant/helpful) but I'm also getting married soon, and I have chosen to take DP's name. In his family it is tradition for the man to take the woman's name, and my mum kept her maiden name, so there is no family precedent for this. But, I like his surname, and as DP is the last in his family line also, we chose that I would take his. For me, the big thing is that it was a choice, and it's what I chose, not "i'm married therefore I will be mrsdh".

If sharing a name with your father bothered you, I'm surprised you wouldn't change it without waiting to get married.

It is YOUR name. If you want to change it, either on marriage or not on marriage, go right ahead. But I would be tempted to choose something else entirely - so that your new name isn't tied to your marriage, but to you.

You can call yourself Ms no matter which surname you use.

When men start changing their names in equal measure, I agree it will be a non issue. Why aren't men clamouring for the right to choose to give up their identity?

Why is it all the women have ugly, difficult to spell names and bad family associations? Why aren't their brothers changing their names in equal numbers?

If I had a surname that for one reason or another I didn't like, I'd probably change it. Though as other posters have said, you don't have to see your surname as being your 'father's name'. I really dislike this idea that a woman's surname belongs to someone else. It doesn't - it's theirs, it was given to them at birth and they have had it all their life. It is your surname.

If it was me, I would possibly use this an excuse to change to a surname I just liked anyway. But if you like your DP's surname then yes, change it.

I suppose at the end of the day it depends what you feel is more important to you - doing something you feel comfortable and/or happy with, or doing something that supports feminism. Often they are not mutually agreeable.

I am torn over this issue.

I always said I wouldn't change my name. I was quite loud about it, too. My dads surname and consequently mine when I was born- is that of his absent father who my dad has no memory whatsoever of. He often thought of changing his name to his mothers, but never got round to bothering. He always said he would rather people had the name of someone they liked and with a pleasant family history than got bogged down in whether it was their mum or dads.

I maintained my stance however right until I married my husband. We decided I'd keep my name and then decided we wanted to the same name. He was going to change it to mine but my name was more common and- shallowly- just not as nice and in the back of mind I always had this knowledge that the name was a name that had no connection to anyone good and that my dad didn't even like it IYSWIM. Perhaps I would have felt differently had it been my maternal grandfathers name, as we were close and I loved him very much.

That all said I know plenty of women will think that my story is a cop out and I've just allowed myself to be conned by the patriarchy. You might be right but having had such strong views on it which turned around largely because I wanted me and DH to have the same name, I know it's not as easy as it sounds to come to a conclusion sometimes.

Maybe we should have joined our names and come up with a third entirely different name? Not sure. Despite having made my decision and being happy with it, this is still an issue that I find confusing on a lot of levels.

For the clothing analogy these are both logical reactions to a culture which defines women as sexual objects and judges their clothing choices as indicators of sexual availability. The feminist option to refuse to be defined by men does not exist under patriarchy.

Same with names/marital status. Women are judged as married/unmarried/lesbian/divorced whatever regardless of the name and title they choose.

But your name is a connection to someone good and important -you!

Everything Belle Curve said. Its your name, the name everyone knows you by. I'm sure that hardly anyone who knows you thinks of your father when they hear it, they think of you. You will still be you even after you get married.

Dizzy, if the problem was with your paternal grandfather, the question remains- why didn't your father abandon the name? Why keep it another generation so you have the dilemma?

Feminism isn't about being able to choose. It's about women's liberation. One of the effects of the battles women have won so far is that some women can make some choices with relative freedom. Not all women, not all choices and the more I read, the more I see that the whole name changing thing on marriage is a 'choice' made by women under patriarchy, it looks like a real choice, but it is in fact not. The number of men who have difficult to spell, difficult to say, horrible names, which don't sound right with theirs or remind them of bad things from the past is underwhelming.

Belle, yeah I don't know. Like I say it's something I struggle with as I have felt very strongly- as strongly as alot of the women here- about it. But when the time came with my now DH the decision I made seemed very easy. I was engaged before and had no intention of changing my name to his and wouldn't have. I don't fully understand my own decision, it was more heart than head. Like I said in my pp, I don't regret my decision at all though.

"Keeping your father's name is still about perpetuating a male line. I was my father's chattel, I get to change for a partner on marriage. Yay! At least I chose to have my partner in my family, so personally I'd rather have his name. I don't want him to be perpetuating my father's line either so no desire for us to share names or him to take mine."

But you're changing to your father-in-law's name, no? Otherwise why do you refer to your partner's surname as "his name" but your surname as "my father's"? It's a mixed-up argument. Either you'd rather have your father-in-law's name than your father's name because [reasons] or you'd rather have your partner's name than yours because [reasons].

Unless that surname is Brewster. Which is one of the few surnames which has it's origins solely with women.

Maybe we should all change our surnames to that?