Changing my name

[ManAliveThisThingsFantastic]

You can all probably guess that I have started this thread upon reading the Feminist Wedding one. I am engaged to my wonderful, supportive DP and we're in the process of planning our wedding.

My current surname is the surname of my abusive, estranged father and I am very ashamed to say I have never got round to changing it. However, my DP has a very pleasant surname with good family history.

A large part of me feels I would like to change my surname to his but another part of me questions what does this mean for my feminist beliefs. I am also very keen to keep my "Ms" title after marriage.

Can anyone give any words of support/advice?

TIA

Why is Brewsters a feminist name?

I am currently divorcing and changing my name back to my maiden name. I had all this angst and debate when I took XH's name: did it mean I wasn't a feminist, was it an anti feminist act; what were my motives; could it be justified; did it define me and was I being true to myself? Well what I should have been asking was why the fuck was I marrying someone who clearly didn't give a damn about any of that and wasn't prepared to recognise how important it was to me and wasn't prepared to support me in keeping my own name?

In some very patriarchal countries it is custom for women to keep their names and pass them onto their children (Spain, for example). Is it perhaps more to do with a particular country's tradition than simply a case of patriarchal structures? It is tricky because many (most?) people (male and female) want to share their name with their children. I'm all for more women choosing not to change their name (I think it's a good thing) but I can see why both men and women want their children to have their name... Without double barreling it has to be one or the other. It would be nice if it was more equitable in terms of who changes but I think, ultimately, family units will often want the same name so either the man or woman (in hetrosexual couples) will have to change rather than the child have the mother's name in every instance. I think many men would understandably find women choosing random names to give their kids a bit weird (in the case of just choosing a brand new name as mentioned earlier in the thread). Why should a father be happy for his kids to be called something his wife/partner just came up with?

I also think designating choices as feminist or unfeminist can be off putting. I am a feminist; I believe in political and educational equality, bodily autonomy, the right to live as freely and as openly as men. I understand the context around choices and how it can make them less free. BUT I am also capable of making a choice, within a context I understand, for my own reasons which are not as a result of the patriarchy which some would deem unfeminist. I see such choices as neither feminist or unfeminist but as neutral.

Why not do a bit of genealogy and find the 'lost' maiden surnames of your grans, great grans and great great grans?

Those names are just as much yours as your maiden surname.

It is a difficult dilemma when you don't like your own name but if you haven't felt the need to change it prior to marriage, marriage isn't a reason to change it.

If every generation of women keep saying this patriliniage will continue which sends a message to our DCs that women and what belongs to women isn't as important as men.