Changing my name

[ManAliveThisThingsFantastic]

You can all probably guess that I have started this thread upon reading the Feminist Wedding one. I am engaged to my wonderful, supportive DP and we're in the process of planning our wedding.

My current surname is the surname of my abusive, estranged father and I am very ashamed to say I have never got round to changing it. However, my DP has a very pleasant surname with good family history.

A large part of me feels I would like to change my surname to his but another part of me questions what does this mean for my feminist beliefs. I am also very keen to keep my "Ms" title after marriage.

Can anyone give any words of support/advice?

TIA

"When men start changing their names in equal measure, I agree it will be a non issue. Why aren't men clamouring for the right to choose to give up their identity?

Why is it all the women have ugly, difficult to spell names and bad family associations? Why aren't their brothers changing their names in equal numbers?"

This.

You may think you're choosing freely to take DH name, but really you're not. It is simply what is expected of a woman. Women have grown up with the idea that they will one day have another name, and have internalised this expectation. Only the cognitive dissonance makes women think of "valid reasons" to give up their name.

I haven't given up my name. Sometimes my DH gets referred to as Mr Creeping, and I sometimes as Mrs DH. That is not the end of the world. People don't think of us as any less married/together, and if they did, it doesn't matter.

I like Brewster. In fact I may change my name to that!

I've done it!

"I would rather have some choice about what male name I take than none."

Or you could decide on a name of your own. Go all Icelandic with Pamsdottir (or whatever your mother's name is). Name yourself after your own hair colour or occupation or hobby or birthplace. Bash your keyboard at random and pick out a string of characters that's pronouncable. There are plenty of options other than choosing a male name and saying "well, it's the patriarchy whatever you do so I may as well take my husband's father's name".

I have no objection to your taking your husband's father's name, mind you. But you're not constrained to choosing between two equally unfeminist alternatives.

Names don't belong to men. Everyone owns their own name. Why is your name your fathers, but your DPs name his own?

Your name is your name.

I agree with toad, its not your father's name you would be keeping its your own name! Why do people think it is a choice of keeping their dads or changing to their DH. Do only men own the right to names?

You own that name as much as your father does.

OP do what you feel is right, feminism to me is about us having the freedom to make choices without judgment. Any form of feminism that judges free choices is as bad as the patriarchy as they want to decide for you just the same as the patriarchy. If you want to change to DH's name then do it and don't worry about the petty minded judgmental people who try to decide for you.

I changed my surname both times I got married to DHs' first time because I didn't like mine and the second time to get rid of XH's name.

I'm getting married and changing my name. I like my own family name - I think of it as mine and my mum and dad and brother and sister's name, all people that I love, and that was my surname for the first bit of my life. Now I'm going to be the traditional Mrs DH family name. I like his name, and I love the bones of him so by association, it makes me like his surname even more. This will be my name for the next bit (and hopefully rest of) my life. I'm kind of looking forward to it, in the way that I liked eventually changing the address of my credit cards and stuff from the home where I grew up to address of the house I bought (didn't bother changing when I was renting). It's a wee bit exciting. Of course, I should be cool enough to choose a totally different, equality-neutral surname to mark this new bit of my life - something like Filibuster or Scaramouche or Dangermouse.
I think it is a little bit sad that all the surnames of all the women in my ancestry are pretty much lost to me; and also all of the surnames of all of the men in my ancestry, except the one original paternal great-great-etc-grandfather. But there you go, thousands of surnames into one don't go. I probably am pretty patriarchy - conditioned in this instance to want to share DH's name, but I don't mind that bit of patriarchy in my own case, getting married to this particular person. I'm glad there are other women who don't change their names though, and ones who take their mother's names or the odd Dangermouse.

Feminism isn't about being able to choose. It's about women's liberation.

Yes!

Few men choose their wife's name.

I hate the 'I'm a romantic traditionalist want you all to know i am MARRIED shit'' disguised as 'I am a feminist its my choice, my name was ugly' stuff.

How about your mum's maiden name?\

It matters, as does giving your Dc your name.

Choices like this have wider ramifications, and I think it's honest to accept that, even if you still decide to do it. I think we all have things that really matter to us, from a feminist perspective, and things that matter less, but it's disingenuous not to recognise the messages they send out.

Personally, keeping my own name matters to me very much. I don't think of it as my dad's name, any more than I think if it as my mum's, or my brother's, or my cousin's, or my aunt's. I think of it as my name, the name I've been known by for 41 years, and I can't imagine changing that. Happily, on this issue, my own views are in line with what I think is the best thing to do from a feminist perspective, so it's not a difficult choice (well, that and the fact that my dp of 22 years and I have no desire to get married anyway ).

There are other areas where I feel less comfortable that my choices represent the best interests of women (feeling the need to wear make up, get my hair coloured, etc.). I still go ahead and make those choices, but I hope that I'm usually honest enough to recognise that they are compromises to my feminist views, rather than hiding behind the 'feminism is all about choice' line.

"The feminism I believe in allows women (and anybody else) to make the choices they want without fear of judgment, shame or guilt."

That's not feminism.

I posted this on a thread I started about feminist weddings.

While I would never have described myself as a very active feminist, nor do I do much more than lurk on/dip into these boards, I would always say I was a feminist.

But I get uncomfortable when things start touching on the aspect of it's not about doing what you want, having the freedom to do what you want, and moves towards the suggestion of feminism as a much stricter ideology. As in, don't change your name even if you want to, give your DC your name, the idea that doing or wearing certain things compromises feminism.

I appreciate this is probably an opinion that will get me flamed, but it starts to feel like a woman trading 'do what the patriarchy says you should for do' for 'do what feminist theory says you should'.

I agree with you Thurlow.

Okay, I fear we may be in danger of ending up at cross purposes. One of the end results of feminism (women's liberation) should be that women are able to make free choices, unconstrained by gender stereotyping, in all areas of their lives. In a perfect world without the Daily Mail sidebar of shame, for instance, fat might no longer be a feminist issue but simply a health issue affecting all human beings.

But we don't live in that feminist paradise. Having some choices is not the be all and end all of feminism - but if feminism makes progress, it will have the effect of opening up choices.

Which is why it is okay to say "this choice you're making - it's one of a rather restricted range of choices on offer, a range which is less than those being offered to men - don't you think that's a bit weird?" Or (in the specific case of married names) "this choice you're making - isn't it weird that it is - barring a few very unusual instances - a choice that only women get asked to make?"

I'm not going to say "you must not choose to do X because it is unfeminist." I don't believe in any form of coercion. But I do reserve the right to critique the choices made in the light of the fact that there are all sorts of social pressures acting as constraints on those choices, and those social constraints act differently on men and women. And I am not going to subscribe to the view that all choices made by women must be feminist choices because they're choices and they're made by women.

To take an extreme instance - I think a woman has a right to choose to protest against abortion, but that that choice is an anti-feminist one.

I don't think it's a case of having to always make the feminist choice, but of recognising when you don't. Take your dh's name if you want, but don't tell yourself it's a feminist act just because it was your decision.

Everyone's said what I would say

I am so BORED of women pretending they're changing their name only because their dp's is 'nicer'

Fwiw OP I kept my name. Couldn't think of a single reason to change it

The point is that women of course should be able to make any choices they want to. But the fact that a woman is making the choice does not make it a feminist choice.

Awareness is the important thing. Do what you want, but do it mindfully.

I tend to feel that if having your father's name had bothered you that much you would have changed it by now. It is your name just as much as his. By all means change it to your DH's but that isn't a feminist decision. Most of us make some decisions that are not feminist, it would be very hard not to, I kept my surname but wore an engagement ring for example.

I'm another that believes feminism is about equality, not choice. This is one instance where we can choose, but taking a DH's surname is not feminist just because it is a freely chosen action.

A teensy, tiny part of me toyed with the idea of taking my husband's name or double barrelling, but ultimately I think it is extremely important that feminists retain their names as a visible and outward sign of feminism. So that's what I did, and I couldn't be happier with my decision.

I come from a line of Brewsters and only found out about it being a feminist name last year. So, if I ever feel the need to change my surname (unlikely TBH) I'll definitely be going for that one.