thoughts on this blog post - sahm and wohm...

[louloutheshamed]

carolynee.net/a-letter-from-a-working-mother-to-a-stay-at-home-mother-and-vice-versa/

i appreciate the sentiment, but the overall point seems to be that either way, both are shite and a woman's place is in the wrong....

the real question should be why aren't men wringing their hands over these decisions.....

I agree, it positively reeks of burning martyr. Get your men to stop being such lazy arses & both of your lives will be a whole heap better.

I mentioned on the other thread that I'm uncomfortable with the emphasis on female self-sacrifice (although I applaud the attempt to encourage sisterly solidarity in place of the tired old SAHM/WOHM debate).

Looking at the WOHM part, it's as if your choices are only acceptable if you feel guilty and sacrifice your leisure time and secretly enjoy being off work with your sickly child. Nope, why should I? You can have it all, dearie, once you promise not to enjoy it too much. The logic for the SAHM part is similar - you are validated through your suffering.

Never felt guilty about earning the money to keep the roof over DS head myself... I hate the assumption of guilt.

Urgh full of cliche and stereotype

why isn't it acceptable for women to say actually I don't feel guilty, torn, conflicted, I am doing what is best for my family and I don't have to justify it to anyone....

I don't feel guilty. I think working full time as a woman is often brilliant for children and the family.

I don't feel guilty about WOH, I don't secretly enjoy days at home when the kids are sick. I have a husband who works PT and does his share of the childcare, cooking and cleaning. I think it's good for the kids to see BOTH parents work and BOTH parents caring for them at home. DH grew up with a traditional distant father who worked all day and disappeared into his study in the evening. We didn't want to replicate that.

Woman as martyr is a very common theme sadly and does women and their families no good at all. In fact children like happy parents most of all whatever the set up.

It tries, I don't like the bit to the SAHM about how your partner just wants to put his feet up when he gets home.

But then the bit to the WOHM says she starts her second shift when she gets home.

So it basically lets men off the hook entirely. But then I do read the relationships board and AIBU and frankly a lot of women let men off the hook when it comes to having a job and looking after children. They can only do one or the other apparently. But women should do it all or they are lazy and shit mothers. So maybe it is just being realistic?

Also a bit about women agonizing over whether to stay at home or work since the 11th grade (16-17 years old) for god's sake. The only thing I knew then was that I didn't want children.

Still much kinder to women's choices than most of the sahm/wohm debates I have seen online though

I saw it as an observation rather than letting men off the hook. Highlighting what happens rather than accepting it should happen.

Plenty of us would never let it happen for even a day both now and 30 years ago when I as first married. We don't tolerate or accept men like that and we don't marry them.

But then the bit to the WOHM says she starts her second shift when she gets home.

I didn't mind that so much, I think it's true of all parents (except those who work such long hours they do no childcare at all) that they continue working after they leave their employers premises. I think of the Second Shift as being in comparison to childless people.