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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

Can a man who cheats on his wife have a feminist side?

24 replies

Lilka · 08/12/2013 19:16

Because I was a bit bemused when a man I was talking to online said they have some feminist in them

This man has had quite a lot of affairs during his marriage, and he isn't ashamed of it either

Am I right in thinking that a man who cheats on his wife multiple times and doesn't seem to care, does not have a feminist side to them at all?

Also, what do some men think feminism is, exactly?

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSanta · 08/12/2013 19:19

Hmm.

There's an argument that says the more economic independence women have, the less likely they are to tolerate this, but I don't see infidelity as incompatible with feminism, whatever the sex or sexuality of the unfaithful party.

tribpot · 08/12/2013 19:24

I agree, Santa. If the guy in question said he had affairs because he saw his wife's primary role as being one of providing sexual satisfaction and she didn't so he went elsewhere, this would suggest he was not a feminist. If his reason for having an affairs is because he is a faithless tosser - well, that is not incompatible with feminism.

The same argument would apply to a woman who said she had multiple affairs because men were interchangeable, of course. Not sure I see a direct correlation between the two things.

EdithWeston · 08/12/2013 19:33

People are inconsistent. Everyone.

Sexual continence isn't a prerequisite for any social or political stance.

Bue · 08/12/2013 19:35

Women don't stop being feminists because they have affairs so I don't think it's any different for men.

CailinDana · 08/12/2013 19:40

Feminism is fundamentally about respect. A man who can make a public promise to be faithful.then break that promise repeatedly without any qualms clearly has no respect and is not a feminist.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 08/12/2013 19:52

Cailin, if my sister is sick and in hospital, and I don't go and see her because I can't be arsed, does that make me not a feminist, or just not that nice?

Vatta · 08/12/2013 20:00

I'm a feminist, and I'm sorry but I don't see what the connection is to faithfulness at all. Feminism isn't about being particularly nice to women, or being a lovely person in general - its about believing that women are equal to men, and treating women as equal. That's it.

CailinDana · 08/12/2013 20:09

Santa, it makes you not that nice. You owe your sister nothing. You owe your spouse faithfulness. Now I suppose you could argue that if a man shows his wife and everyone else (men and women) an equal level of disrespect then he could be a feminist. But if he shows his wife such blatant disrespect while still expecting her to be faithful and while showing respect to his male friends and colleagues then he most definitely isn't a feminist. Hiw can you claim to want equality for women when the woman you're supposed to love most of all means so little?

CailinDana · 08/12/2013 20:21

Put it this way: you can't say you're vegetarian when you've just eaten a cheeseburger.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 08/12/2013 20:31

But what if he does it without caring about her fidelity and by being respectful to female colleagues?

See, I think I owe my hypothetical sister respect and this man owes his wife respect due to the relationships rather than the sex of any of the parties.

CailinDana · 08/12/2013 20:34

Why be married if fidelity is jrrelevant?

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 08/12/2013 20:36

I've wondered about this but regarding a different issue - when socialists I've admired have been found to cheat on their wives - it just seems to undermine the strength of their views somehow.
But we are all flawed I suppose.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 08/12/2013 20:41

Why be married if fidelity is jrrelevant?

Many people, some of them feminists, have open marriages. Plenty of well-known feminists have advocated for polyamory. There are many solid arguments for marriage per se being an inherently unequal and patriarchal institution.

That's kind of off-topic as I get the implication from the OP that wasn't the case here.

*People are inconsistent. Everyone.

Sexual continence isn't a prerequisite for any social or political stance.*

This absolutely.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 08/12/2013 20:45

Another example - who did more for women's rights - devoted husband Ronald Reagan or known lothario Bill Clinton?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/12/2013 20:49

To answer your title - yes, possibly, who knows?

To answer your OP - no, that one doesn't.

KaseyM · 08/12/2013 21:30

I know what you mean though OP.

If he is shagging left right and centre whilst she is at home with kids and has neither the money, free time or opportunity to go out and get herself a fella then I think he is taking advantage of a power dynamic that disadvantages women, so no, not a feminist.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 08/12/2013 22:57

Kasey, I know you said "if" but there is nothing in OP's post about whether the wife stays at home or if they have kids.

perlona · 09/12/2013 00:40

Female feminists can have affairs, why can't the male ones? The only people who don't have affairs are the ones who don't believe in having them or those who have no opportunity to have them.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/12/2013 10:15

You misread, perl, people were saying the opposite.

snowshepherd · 09/12/2013 10:19

Lrd
I think pearl was making a point, using the question rhetorically

LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/12/2013 10:23

Sorry, haven't had my coffee and was bemused!

snowshepherd · 09/12/2013 10:33

I think it's the use of 'who' that makes the post slightly clunky to read.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/12/2013 10:42

I just misinterpreted it.

MyBaby1day · 06/01/2014 03:14

NO WAY is he a feminist, he's an unfaithful male whore!. Tell him though if his wife cheats she's a super feminist!! Grin

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