Stay at home mums and feminism

[Ilovemyself]

My wife has always had one aim in life. To become a mother and to run the household. She worked for many years and after a long time trying we finally got our wish and she then got hers

Is this something that from a feminist point of view goes against feminism?

No. Only if you start controlling all the money, insisting that she doesn't get to make any family decisions. If as a family you both respect each other and the choices you've made as a family and treat each other as equals, then it's fine.

Me control the money! No, she looks after that for us as well. 😃

If anything I envy het. I am currently unemployed and am loving the time I have with the family. I am not looking forward to going back to work but guess I will have to at some point.

I am not looking forward to going back to work but guess I will have to at some point.

Well, money has to be earnt. But if you would rather stay at home that is equally valid - you probably need to negotiate a compromise that is far to both parties.

I agree with trib. The whole point of feminism is that people have choices. If your wife wants to stay home that is perfectly fine. However, her choices don't automatically trump yours just because she's a woman. Tbh if neither of you are working, how it would work in my house is we'd both be looking for work and the first one to get a job would take it, leaving the other one at home for a while. My parenting isn't superior to my DH's, neither is my ability to earn the money, IYSWIM.

I get you perfectly.

The only problem we have with the work side of things is that I am more qualified and ultimately am more able to earn a decent salary.

But OP, that's a self fulfilling thing. If your DW were to find a job first , she may be able to earn more over time.

Obviously it's hard to balance financial and caring responsibilities. Perhaps if you find another job you can request a four day week, or four days in five (compressed hours), to facilitate this - both parents have the right to request flexible working,

But StickEmUp, the OP is not happy to earn (I mean he is but he would also like to be at home). So it may be they need to negotiate. Doctrine is right - if the OP is the higher earner it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because if he returns to work and she doesn't, he will always be the higher earner. Which is indeed a feminist issue :)

The thing is, I am happy for my wife to be a stay at home mum. It is what she has always wanted and I would always do my best to help her get what she wants.

The "problem" is I don't want to stay on benefits ( it really irks me that I am claim now but we need to eat!) but it would be nice if we could both stay at home as it is working so well at the moment.

I understand the earnings potential is a self fulfilling thing, but how do you ever get out of the trap as the difference in potential between the 2 of us is massive.

I guess I need to keep doing the lottery lol

Well, I'd also like for all of us to stay at home, hang out with our children and spend more time on our hobbies. But that's not how it works. People need to work.

It does rather sound like you resent her getting to be a SAHM. That is a problem and I agere with Trib that you need to work it out. Perhaps you both have to work part time, or you have to agree that you'll take a less busy/well paid job but that gives you more time with the family.

This sounds a bit like us. Dh would love more time with family. He's a commuter rat though so unlikely. He's the bigger earner. He can't leave his job, he would have to be pushed. I think he half wishes that might happen you know to give him an opportunity to live life differently. I'm sahm and hoping against hope I can remain but would naturally go back to my work if /when necessary.

You have time to research. Could you wfh? Could you do shorter weeks? Often we find men's roles are easier to do that with. Visiting clients, wfh in between, office or whatever 2days. This gives quite a bit of home time. There seems lots of roles suitable for men. Like blooming hens teeth for some reason for women. Used to drive me and peers nuts.

Have no idea why sahm might not be compatible with feminism though. Lost me completely there.....?

If I sound like I resent her that is not the case. Jealousy and resentment are 2 different things in my eyes.

Like I said, it looks like a lottery win is needed lol

The important thing from a feminism point of view is that the two of you, as equal partners in a relationship, discuss and agree a solution that works about equally well for both of you. In rare cases, that means you both get your ideal, in most you both compromise by about the same amount.

If that means one WOHP and one SAHP, or two part-time jobs, or any other combination, then that's fine if it's what works for your family.

It's also important that you both have access to similar amounts of free time, and to similar amounts of spending money for non-essentials, and have a similar amount of control in decision-making.

If that means one person in a flowery pinny making cupcakes, and one commuting to an office in a business suit, feminism doesn't mind in the slightest, so long as that reflects your wishes and interests / compromised with the (often) boring necessity of earning money.