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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

"It's just a Christmas card"

98 replies

BlingLoving · 18/12/2012 07:59

A friend emailed me to asking I'd be offended if she wrote Bling and dh dhSurname on our Christmas card. I replied that yes, I would be slightly as my name is not Bling DhSurname. She replied saying she has already written it and "it's just a Christmas card".

Now, if she hadn't emailed me, I would have rolled my eyes internally but probably not said anything. But as she DID ask, I feel like I would like to respo d and point out that its not just a Christmas card. She is making decisions for me about what to call myself, knowing that her way is not my preference. It's irritating at the best of times, but when people use dh name for me when they know better it infuriates me. Before we for married no one had a problem using my name on a Christmas card.

How do. Reply, politely, but I a coherent way?

[ and separately, how disturbing is it that people are soooo uncomfortable using a women's name on a Christmas card when she is married?]

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDude · 20/12/2012 17:44

Yes, it's worth falling out over, sometimes. Why do you ask?

GalaxyDisaStar · 20/12/2012 17:48

I took DH's name, but I would agree it is sometimes worth falling out over. With your 90 year old granny, probably not. With your friend who you have patiently explained the situation and the reasons to a number of times, quite possibly.

LRDtheFeministDude · 20/12/2012 17:50

I'm with galaxy.

It is usually really easy to tell who's worth falling out with. Doesn't mean the friendship was worthless, just that sometimes you have to stick to what doesn't make you feel like a doormat.

rosabud · 20/12/2012 17:55

I remember when my uncle (a single parent with 1 child) and my aunt (a single parent with 3 children) got together. They lived with eachother for a number of years and then got married. I've no idea what their official titles/names became but I always enjoyed. both before and after the marriage, sending cards through the post to "The Brady Bunch!"

I hope they didn't mind - they were never petty enough bothered to say if they did!

PlaySchool · 20/12/2012 18:42

It just seems such a trivial thing to have a falling out over. If one of my friends had a row with me about something like that then I don't think I'd ever want to be in a position again where I might feel their wrath. I.e., that would probably be the end of the friendship.

Still, if you feel the friendship is worth less than the misdemeanour then return the card.

LRDtheFeministDude · 20/12/2012 18:57

I think it only seems trivial if you're already not fussed. Like most things. I wouldn't fall out over a mate feeding me meat, or voting Tory, but to others those are terrible crimes.

We're all different.

Belittling other people's concerns is rude, however, whoever it comes from.

Yama · 20/12/2012 18:58

Not trivial to me. Indeed, if my friend thought my beliefs trivial ...

GalaxyDisaStar · 20/12/2012 19:02

It's only trivial to you if it's trivial to you. Just look at the baby name threads on first names. When an unusual spelling comes up, some people say 'everyone spells my name wrong and it never bothers me' and others think it has been very detrimental and would move heaven and earth not to put their child in that situation.

Ephiny · 20/12/2012 19:10

Galaxy, actually that's exactly what I was trying to say about the Mrs John Smith thing, though clearly I didn't explain myself very well (often the case) :)

I had no idea people didn't like their first names to be put on envelopes, honestly never occurred to me that might be an issue. I guess you could just put the first initial instead?

GalaxyDisaStar · 20/12/2012 19:18

Ah, sorry, cross purposes Ephiny

Original poster

BlingLoving · 20/12/2012 21:49

Playschool: it's not a big deal for you but it is for me. I'm certainly not going to fall out with her about it, but I think I am justifiably annoyed that what I call myself is irrelevant to other people. And as someone else said, it's rude to belittle what's important to others.

Sometimes I think more people should have read "the crucible" : even before my name became an issue, I always "got" that play.

OP posts:

tribpot · 20/12/2012 22:09

Well, I had a parcel addressed to Mr and Mrs DH DHsurname today! I was annoyed. And will tell DH's uncle and aunt (in a nice way) when I see them that I haven't changed my name. It would have been perfectly fine just to have put DH on the envelope - the pressie inside is actually for ds anyway!

I have two friends called (not real names but illustrative) Catherine and Edward. Catherine hates to be called Cathy and Edward doesn't like being called Ed. Just good manners to remember this. And if you wrote an Xmas card to Ed, when he knows you know he doesn't like being called Ed, you would apologise and not say it's just a Christmas card. Catherine would probably set fire to the card and then post it back to you

CaseyShraeger · 20/12/2012 22:33

I've noticed, actually, that people seem to be getting worse at this rather than better. I'm almost certain that shortly after we were married most people, at least people of our generation, used to write to us as some variant of my name and DH's name (whether first names only, or first names plus surnames, or initials plus surnames). But most of this year's crop of cards are to "Mr and Mrs X. Hislastname" or "Hisfirstname and Casey Hislastname" - including a card from someone who I know first (years ago) sent us a Christmas card addressed to "Casey and Hisfirstname Shraeger" as he'd only met DH through me and didn't realise that we had different surnames.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 21/12/2012 18:40

I agree Casey - we've got more Mr and Mrs cards this year than ever before (married 6 years)

tribpot · 21/12/2012 20:04

Yes - I've just had another one, from my SIL! And another from my friend who is clearly (despite being told repeatedly) convinced we double-barrelled our names.

Time to wheel out one of my fave name games: a friend of mine blended her name with her DH's when they married (they both did, obviously). First two letters of her surname, first two letters of his and then 'us' signifying togetherness. By this reckoning DH and my surname would be 'Pinuus'.

I think my family would be happy to revert to my actual name if I threatened to rename myself Pinuus.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 21/12/2012 20:12

Ye gads. I have enough trouble keeping up with peoples addresses and childrens names without additional worries of vagaries of surnames or the order I address people within the card.

Am now worried that I may have inadvertently offended someone ( oh well they won't get their cards until after Christmas anyway as I only posted them second class yesterday)

LRDtheFeministDude · 21/12/2012 20:15

Gosh, if you get any more bothered about your mates you'll be practically horizontal with worry, right?!

I think they probably know you don't give much of a fuck if you don't send cards to get there for Christmas.

TrillsCarolsOutOfTune · 21/12/2012 20:17

On envelope: firstname surname, the person you know best of the couple/family

Inside: firstname and firstname (and firstname and firstname etc)

Simple.

TrillsCarolsOutOfTune · 21/12/2012 20:28

It sounds like it is the wording of the email that is the problem here.

A defensive "it's only a card, I haven't done anything wrong" instead of an apologetic "I've written this already, hope you don't mind"

ChasedByBees · 21/12/2012 20:38

tribpot

LRD I have the same problem as your parents. My DH and I both have PhDs and he's Dr Moo, I'm Dr Bee (not really but close). I'm often irked by the many mistakes in addressing that seem to erase my name but the one that really annoys me is Dr and Mrs Moo. If they've gone to the trouble of getting his title right then they can do me the same courtesy.

I can tell if something comes from his family as it only features the surname Moo (I'm really disappointed if one of my friends or family get that wrong).

Anything like 'the Moo-Bees' or first names are all fine.

KristinaM · 22/12/2012 07:58

Surely it's Drs Jane and John Smith, if they share a surname?

Or Drs Jane Brown and John Smith if they don't?

Or Jane Brown and John smith if they don't use titles?

Or Dr Jane and Mr John smith if they share a title but not a doctorate ?

Or the Brown Smith family?

If either of them has and uses a title ( Dr, rev, rabbi, Major etc ) isn't it polite to use it? Obviously more fun if they have several. Sadly the only person I know with multiple titles is a Rev Dr, which isn't that exciting.

JuliaScurr · 27/12/2012 12:27

'it's just a card' is dangerously close to 'haven't you feminists got something more important to complain about?'

bingo dabbers poised

scottishmummy · 27/12/2012 12:40

gosh yes,the myname hisname it annoys me.I return them to sender.
I spent years politely emphasizing that's not my name,unmarried etc.no avail
i return cards to sender,with message not known at this address did you mean ms scottishmummy and mr my partner.it caused much huff and consternation but has reduced it to a hard core,his rellies.and for asking as they address me incorrectly I will return card. next approach is know I know the female maiden name I will address the cards to ms maiden name (they hate ms sounds weird apparently)

it's not just a card,it's v significant

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