"It's just a Christmas card"

[BlingLoving]

A friend emailed me to asking I'd be offended if she wrote Bling and dh dhSurname on our Christmas card. I replied that yes, I would be slightly as my name is not Bling DhSurname. She replied saying she has already written it and "it's just a Christmas card".

Now, if she hadn't emailed me, I would have rolled my eyes internally but probably not said anything. But as she DID ask, I feel like I would like to respo d and point out that its not just a Christmas card. She is making decisions for me about what to call myself, knowing that her way is not my preference. It's irritating at the best of times, but when people use dh name for me when they know better it infuriates me. Before we for married no one had a problem using my name on a Christmas card.

How do. Reply, politely, but I a coherent way?

[ and separately, how disturbing is it that people are soooo uncomfortable using a women's name on a Christmas card when she is married?]

[BlingLoving]

Amuminscotland: I think that's exactly and I will take your approach.

I'm not wild abut the first name thing as I feel post is formal, and not secure, and I like to keep my first name private but I dont mind getting cards in that way. Blingloving/dhSurname family makes most sense to me and its what we do for friends with children as it includes everyone.

[SomersetONeil]

Times must be pretty tight if she can't just bin the card and write out another one.

I mean, seriously, if she went to the bother of checking with you, then why not change it to what you want...?

Passive aggression at its most petty, on her part...

[rosabud]

I know it's really important, it's what you choose to be called and people should respect that............but it is Christmas, and we are all extremely busy and stressed and money could be an issue too. Is she a good friend? Is she there on the end of the phone when you need advice, does she take you out and fuss over you on your birthday, does she make you laugh? Is she kind, is she good to talk to? If the answer is no, then she is not a great friend, so what does it matter to you what she wants to call you? If the answer is yes, then she's made a tiny mistake, she's your friend and it's Christmas, let it go.

[AMumInScotland]

Perhaps she'd already put the stamp on? I was startled to find the cost of stamps this year, I don't often buy them

[GalaxyDisaStar]

This is a bit of a side track, but for those of you with doctorates...

I have three friends who are Dr X in their professional lives, but have changed their surname for private life (so, say to Smith). So, do I address cards to Mr and Dr Smith (or, in one case, Dr & Dr Smith) or, if their doctorate is related to the surname X, do I write Mr and Mrs? Tis a minefield I tell you. Change, or don't change. Anything else is too much for a simple soul like me

[tribpot]

I think anyone could make a mistake and if she'd written and said "I've been a divot and put Bling and dh dhSurname, REALLY sorry .. [autopilot etc]" That would have been perfectly fine. Because it is, after all, only one Xmas card.

BUT she had to make a massive hoo-ha about it, when god knows you are surely within your rights to choose your own name and expect people to remember and use it. I have to write cards which include people's pets (not on the outside of the envelope though) - you just make a note of how to address stuff to the people at that house and go with that. I've had cards addressed to Mr and Mrs MySurname-DHsurname and when I queried it they were absolutely convinced we had double-barrelled the names. We had never so much as HINTED at doing such a thing, but someone else my friends worked with had done this, and I think they just got confused.

Also, can't you tell what name people are using from Facebook? If someone calls themself [First Name] [Surname] WAS [Maiden Name] you know they're not using their maiden name any more.

[CheerfulYank]

I usually just do whoever I'm closest to and then add "and Family."

[Boomeringue]

If she'd not made a big deal about the addressing,chances are that you'd be too busy to notice.
I don't know how to address unmarried couples cards??

[Boomeringue]

If she'd not made a big deal about the addressing,chances are that you'd be too busy to notice.
I don't know how to address unmarried couples cards??

[VBisme]

Galaxy, surely that would be to Drs Smith?

I write to Mr & Mrs whoevers current surname I can remember, if people want to get het up about it then that's their problem.

As to "return to sender", people putting their return address on an envolope is far more old fashioned than "Mr & Mrs X".

[GalaxyDisaStar]

Yes, but she's not Dr Smith. She's Dr Maiden name. So, say, Dr Jones. I guess what I mean is, does the title follow the individual, so attach to any name they use. Or does the title link to their name. So in an arena where they don't use Jones, do they because Mrs again?

[VBisme]

Oh it's just a minefield, my BF is living with her partner and their daughter, their Xmas card is to herfirstname, hisfirstname & family.

[AndIfATenTonTruck]

Galaxy, if your friends have told you their surname for private life has changed it still could go either way. I don't think anything other than a medical doctorate has name sensitivity, i.e. you have to amend your professional registration if you change your name. So in my case I studied while single and was then Jane Smith PhD, got married and added his name so am Jane Smith Jones PhD. I can choose to be Dr Jones or Dr Smith (the latter if I had an authoring history that I wanted to remain continuous). The only time I take Mrs is on web forms which only have MrMrsMissMs as options, and in a jokey "oi missus" sort of way amongst close friends.

Ask your friends which they would prefer. They will probably appreciate the thought. :)

[CaseyShraeger]

That's probably one where I'd just go for Sue and Bob Jones, or S. and B. Jones, or The Jones Family, and leave the doctoring out of it altogether.

[CaseyShraeger]

(oops. For "Jones" in the above post, read "Smith")

[sashh]

I'm fairly traditional when addressing envelopes.


However, is no one having a rant at the Mr and Mrs? Not having the wrong name or Dr but why is Mr always first?
And doesn't it make sense to say Mr and Mrs Mr's initial and name, so that if you take out the Mrs you have Mr's initial?

[LapsusLinguae]

sash personally I hate Mrs and am converting over to Ms as much as possible however I recognise that when I married I did change my name and tell people I am Mrs.

Your last sentence encapsulates the erasure of women from history and their position as a chattel of their DH.

It also makes ZERO sense to me and implies that you are prioritising the man.

Eg you have a friend Jane Smith she marrys William Lewis. You've known Jane for 20 years, you met William via Jane 2 years ago.

Now you are sending cards to Mr & Mrs W Lewis?! WTF happened to Jane.

And tradition is irrelevant.

Address to Jane & William Lewis if she changed her name.

If you are posting/reading this section of MN then here is an easy way to "do" some feminism!

[Ephiny]

I would normally just use first names if writing to friends (or at most Firstname Surname on the envelope). Since when did we address each other with formal titles like that anyway?

We do get some cards with Mrs DH'sName on the envelope. It doesn't really bother me tbh, it's just an old-fashioned way of saying 'DH's wife' rather than actually implying that it is my name. Yes it's a rather archaic and sexist tradition though, especially as there's no equivalent in reverse, and I do find it a bit odd when the person knows my name but chooses not to use it.

Christmas is a bit like weddings IME, otherwise-sensible people go all weird about observing 'tradition'.

[Chocchip88]

Winds me up too. A friend sent me a cheque with my DH's surname on. I explained to her that I have kept my surname so she sent me another cheque with the correct name on. However my name on the envelope had DH's surname.

[jamaisjedors]

I hate this.

ALL, and I mean ALL my English friends send me cards (even birthday cards) addressed to Mrs DH's Surname.

Or my first name then Dh's surname.

I had endless discussions with them about this when we were at university and they KNOW I don't use his surname apart from to book restaurants occasionally cos my name is a nightmare to spell in this country

WHy? I think it's to justify the fact that they all changed their names "because it's nice to".

GRRR...

[badguider]

I can't bring myself to care very much, even though I understand the principle and I always address my friends however they have their email/facebook as this is how I think of them.

But for ME, I don't care, I did not take DH's surname but I don't mind being Mr&Mrs DHname for christmas cards. I wonder if it comes from having a name with a million spellings (similar to catherine, catharine,katherine, kathrine) and a surname that can have an e on the end but mine doens't... so i have pretty low expectations when it comes to people writing my name correctly!

[Ephiny]

It would be annoying if it was a cheque (though who still uses those? ) as I presumably wouldn't be able to pay it into any of my accounts if it wasn't in my name.

[badguider]

I've paid quite a few into my account by showing a photocopy of my marriage certificate. The bank seem fine with it.

[bigkidsdidit]

Galaxy - I have mine and DH's surname now and have a phd. PhD's don't stay with he name so before I was Dr a and now I am Dr ab.

Medical doctors are very different I think.

[GalaxyDisaStar]

Ok. So maybe the medical Dr gets Mr and Mrs X and the other gets Mr and Dr. God, I am just going to start writing 'The X's' like others have suggested.