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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Random men speaking to you

767 replies

enimmead · 02/12/2012 09:38

I'm sure men don't randomly speak to other men in the street. Strangers. So why the hell do they feel they have to speak to random women. I don't think it's got anything to do with chatting up.

Yesterday, I saw a 20 something bloke with his mates slip in front of me on the ice. As I got out, he said "Hi love, did you see that!!!" I'm could be his mum bit older than him. Why speak to me? I just smiled but I bet he wouldn't' have said anything if I'd been male.

Just walking down the street, other side of the road bloke smiles and says "Hi love". No idea who he was.

Do blokes do this to other random blokes?

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 02/12/2012 12:13

I love talking to strangers. It makes the day much more interesting and sociable. Obviously there are some men who talk to women in a creepy way or just indiscriminately chat up/ cat call every young woman, and clearly that is wrong. And there are times, like late at night alone at a bus stop, where the man should be particularly careful not to make a woman feel threatened. But I would hate men to feel they can never start a conversation with me.

yahnyinlondon · 02/12/2012 12:25

I've found since having a small person with me, I get people talking to me a lot. Mainly women, but occasionally older men. They are generally very polite.

However the first time I went out without my baby to get some fresh air because I was losing the plot pick up some shopping, some random dude approached me when I was looking for the right bus stop in a high street, mumbled something at me, I was a bit Confused as I was still quite sleep deprived (3 weeks after giving birth) and I with a what, sorry. He mumbled again about going to the movies ad I was just like no, sorry, not interested. He then swears at me and walks off. I guess he didn't notice my wedding rings, mothercare bag, boots bag filled with baby paraphernalia Hmm

scottishmummy · 02/12/2012 13:34

what a v odd op,why do you read sinister or peculiar motives in chit chat
people interact,chat and yes both genders swop safe anecdotes
talk about demonizing people or looking to find ulterior motives where none exist

AbigailAdams · 02/12/2012 13:35

It's all about invading personal space even if that isn't literally. The workman shouting Cheer up love thinks it is OK to disturb you as you are walking along minding your own business.

Standing in a bus stop can be assumed that if you speak to them you are not greatly interrupting their daily business as they are stopped. It is not unreasonable for it to be a bit boring and providing they aren't doing anything else like reading or listening to iPod or whatever it probably isn't inappropriate. Same for walking along the street in a village or in the country. There aren't many people around, you presumably make eye contact first, so the person you are speaking to is expecting you to be friendly. In that scenario you probably wouldn't holler the street to some random person or stop greet someone who is walking fast with their head down, because that would be an invasion of personal space. I assumed the latter was the kind of interaction the OP was talking about.

scottishmummy · 02/12/2012 13:39

her personal space wasn't invaded,a man fell,probably felt awkward.made comment
she's not said he persisted, it was appropriate in context of what had happened
this js peculiar and a bit sad to demonise male interaction as inappropriate

amillionyears · 02/12/2012 14:30

enimmead "But I just want to walk down the street without some bloke feeling they have the right to suddenly say something to me when they see me".
The trouble with this statement is most people welcome it. So a bloke is never going to know who are the few people who wont appreciate it.

amillionyears · 02/12/2012 14:32

FromEsme
Getting chatted up at bus stops and asked for phone numbers.
Do you ever dress down or wear a fake wedding ring?
Im guessing you dont want to do either of those things.

FromEsme · 02/12/2012 14:34

Really amillionyears ? I should have to PRETEND I'm married in order to not get attention?

I work in a primary school, how do you think I dress? But even if I went out in fishnets and a bra top, I still don't expect men to sleaze on me.

amillionyears · 02/12/2012 14:38

Didnt think you would like that suggestion much! Grin

But seriously it is not much to do is it?

Narked · 02/12/2012 14:45

So she should wear a fake wedding ring as an obvious sign she's 'taken' or deliberately make herself unattractive? To avoid people propositioning her at a bus-stop?

lemonmuffin · 02/12/2012 14:45

Dear me. Person of the opposite sex speaks to you. How utterly dreadful.

amillionyears · 02/12/2012 14:48

Narked. Yes, if she wants to. The wedding ring alone might do it.
She sounds very bothered often by a lot of men.

FromEsme · 02/12/2012 14:53

It's not much to do, no. But why the fucking hell should I? I'm just as happy telling them to fuck off.

I would love to live in your world where wearing a wedding ring to put men off is no big deal.

FromEsme · 02/12/2012 14:57

and the very fact amillionyears that you thought to post a suggestion specifically because you thought it would get a rise out of me doesn't say much about you as a person.

I have no problem with men speaking to me on a personal level - like I said, any sort of hint that they are trying to chat me up and they get told I'm not interested, any further and I tell them to piss off - but I thought we were discussing this on a societal level. So what I personally may or may not do is irrelevant.

lemonmuffin · 02/12/2012 14:58

It's not "attention" Enimmead.

It's just friendly conversation, it's what makes the world go round

FromEsme · 02/12/2012 14:59

Let's face it, it can be both lemonmuffin

scottishmummy · 02/12/2012 15:00

anyhoo.its a ridiculous op, much indignation about fuck all
i have no problem with appropriate banter from either gender
its norm for people blether and chew the fat.i like to,and i have chatty weans too

amillionyears · 02/12/2012 15:05

FromEsme,why on earth would I want a rise out of you? Confused

lemonmuffin · 02/12/2012 15:12

Right. Let me tell you this story:

Shopping in big supermarket last week, rushing round as usual, mind on other things.

Long queue at checkout, stood there with blood pressure rising thinking about how much I've got to do still, and old lady behind me says 'I like your coat'.

'thank you' says I, and somehow from that she starts telling me about her family and her late husband who has recently died. And we carry on talking all the way through the checkout and packing the bags, right up to the entrance of the supermarket for a good 10 minutes.

And we said our goodbyes and then she says 'thank you for talking to me, it's been lovely to have a chat.

And it made me weep, all the way back to my car.

Think about that.

Leithlurker · 02/12/2012 15:13

Ok so esme does not want chatted up, the assumption behind all this is that every male that starts a conversation randomly with a woman is only interested in a shag. Is chancing his arm, taking a punt as it were.

If this was indeed the point of every conversation more sympathy would follow the op, it raises other issues though. What if a presentable person nicely dressed, not reeking of drink, respectful and polite were to come up and just ask if you have the time or the inclination for no strings attached sex, they will pay for a proper hotel room or they would be wiling to go haves, food and or drink can and would be part of the deal if that was what was preferred.

Is that better or worse?

Leithlurker · 02/12/2012 15:14

and the inclination that should be

germyrabbit · 02/12/2012 15:16

i feel left out now as random men don't talk to me Grin

FromEsme · 02/12/2012 15:18

amillionyears when someone posts "I didn't think you'd like that suggestion" with that inane grin emoticon, forgive me if I think they were looking for a rise. That's how it comes across.

Leithlurker how is it any different? I wouldn't be interested in that either.

lemonmuffin entirely different scenario to my experience.

Again, we're talking about this on a societal level. Others seem to want to talk about it on a personal level and when you have two totally different spheres you're talking about how can you resolve anything?

lemonmuffin · 02/12/2012 15:20

Hmm, no it's not. It's about engaging with other members of society, male or female.

And sooner than you think, no one is going to want to do that with you.

amillionyears · 02/12/2012 15:30

FromEsme. Sorry, didnt mean it like that. I can see though, how you might have thought that. Apologies.