Random men speaking to you

[enimmead]

I'm sure men don't randomly speak to other men in the street. Strangers. So why the hell do they feel they have to speak to random women. I don't think it's got anything to do with chatting up.

Yesterday, I saw a 20 something bloke with his mates slip in front of me on the ice. As I got out, he said "Hi love, did you see that!!!" I'm could be his mum bit older than him. Why speak to me? I just smiled but I bet he wouldn't' have said anything if I'd been male.

Just walking down the street, other side of the road bloke smiles and says "Hi love". No idea who he was.

Do blokes do this to other random blokes?

Men also, very simply, have physical power. Most men are bigger than most women. And that is anxiety-causing on a very basic level. Especially when you're outnumbered.

I'm 5'9" so not exactly small. In fact, I'm often one of the tallest people in any given group. But I still feel intimidated in a situation that has my hackles and spider senses rising. How much worse must it be for smaller women?

This is something I try to reiterate on these types of threads. Most men simply don't know what it feels like to default be the physically weaker person in such a situation. It's a huge disadvantage. It's downright scary a lot of the time.

This is why so many women play along and be polite even when they're secretly thinking the man is a buffoon - because of our own personal safety. It just is not worth escalating a situation because we know we'd come off worse.

This //\ is where privileged and entitlement come in to play. Men don't even have to consider this in their exchanges with the opposite sex. Women have to consider it all the time. One man's off-the-cuff exchange is another woman's discomfort and anxiety. Nice...

I agree with most of what you say.
But you are wrong in saying men dont even have to consider it.
They may not with women, but they certainly do with men.

In fact, they consider it a great deal.
Smaller men, are, on the whole, scared of bigger men.
And , I would say, scared, on probably a daily level.

I didn't say that they don't have to consider it at all though, did I? I specifically said they don't have to consider it in their exchanges with the opposite sex. Which is what this is being dismissed as by people who can't see the problem...

In any case, if some men are able to empathise with the situation, then it's even more odd that they would carry on doing it...

Massive generalisation warning ...

Do you think this is why small men are often more obnoxious to women? I wonder if they see it (even unconsciously) as an opportunity to be the dominator for a change.

My dad was an appalling sexist bully; he was short. I'm not talking about him in particular, just men I've worked with and encountered socially, but my perception might be coloured by him; I'm not sure.

One of the best things about being my age is how much more effective my hard stare is now

This is why so many women play along and be polite even when they're secretly thinking the man is a buffoon - because of our own personal safety. It just is not worth escalating a situation because we know we'd come off worse.

I've never thought about this before - and it might be a purely personal hangover from childhood - but I've always been more confident "talking down" a big, aggressive man than a smaller one. During one of the less sophisticated periods of my youth, I was the bouncer at a very rough nightclub. I could charm knives and guns off the local gangsters, but would instinctively enlist a big guy to help me with a stroppy little man.

Just skipping from the original post with a belly full of wine....

I like saying "good morning" (and other such trivia) to complete strangers in secluded situations/late at night (i am a big man and like to put people at ease)...

This has embarrassed ex partners in the past with a: "why did you say that/do you know them" comment.....

I hope Ive not offended!!??

LOL Peterpan101

Are you being obtuse ?

If you are a big man then you certainly are not putting SomersetONeil at ease.

Hey! You know that men are daft brutish and crap at conversation don't you (well a lot of men) couldn't it be that some men who like open emotional conversation are just seeking a connection and women are better at giving it?

By the way the 'short man' and the 'incessantly talking back' syndrome are all expressions of fear - a hard man knows (according to my embarrassing internet research that when a guy says 'yeah who are you' or keeps arguing beyond reason he is basically saying 'shiiiit I'm SCARED but if I keep talking you will think I'm not' Short guys in fight mode surounded by tall women they can't hit and big bouncers are more scared - hence more back chat and argument - a good bouncer will look away, step back and give space and smile.. but not in a patronising 'laugh at the hobbit' way. the trick is to look subservient to the rage.

Of course if someone is in a 'small stature small dick' rage then he needs to feel pain or inflict pain before he stops. It only takes a slap you know! :)

NO!

I can never understand not being happy/able to walk where I want at night.....but I can see the hesitation in others faces when they are presented with a large stranger.

Completely agree...I have said some very silly things when presented with a pretty face at the last moment. Its a development from pulling pigtails...

Yeah, that's sort of what I was alluding to garlic - which means it's even more about power, control, entitlement, etc, etc, ad nauseum.

My Dad tells a story that was a bit of an eye-opener for him. He was walking home from work one evening when he spotted our neighbour's daughter about 50 metres ahead of him, also walking home. She'd have been aged maybe about 12 or 13 at the time. It was twilight, so getting dark. Far enough away for her not to know who the person was behind her.

He instinctively sped up to overtake her, because he assumed she'd be scared of the man 'following' her. He's 6'3". The more he sped up, the more she did too, looking over her shoulder. He suddenly realised she must've thought he was trying to catch up to her and was more scared because of that. He was trying to help the situation, but was making it worse. He stopped and waited until she'd gone before continuing. He says it was a real eye-opener as to a situation he would take for granted, but that must be quite fraught for the majority of women.

who do you think did the service to the 12-13 year old in that story?

The man who had read stories and saw her as threatened?
The girl who had read the same stories and was scared out of her wits
the people who had written and perpetuated the stories of women being under threat all the time?

I cross the street if walking behind someone....its sad really that I feel I need to.

Walking towards someone face to face doesn't seem to cause such anxiety??

Well, I was going to put a caveat in saying that logically we know women are statistically in far more danger in their own homes than they are on the street at twilight, but I didn't.

I guess I should have.

It also true that men are more than three times likely to be killed, five times likely to be maimed and ten times more likely to be attacked than women.

Is that because they tend not to back down and 'disarm' situations as well as women?...

I don't think so, I think its because men are seen as disposable, unemotional - inhuman even and that violence against them is disregarded as something men are expected to endure - I think that's sad, that fathers being killed on nights out is seen as acceptable, where a women having her bum felt inappropriately is seen as more shocking.

It, sadly, is an expression of how women are seen as the protected, vulnerable victim part of humanity. Something I just won't subscribe to.

You all make good points. Peter, when I was a tourist guide it was certainly true that men got injured more frequently - and more badly - by muggers. The consulate issued loads of warnings not to "have a go back" but most visiting men seemed to lack the confidence (or common sense!) to just hand over a bit of cash.

The club owner preferred female bouncers for the exact reason you stated.

This ties in with your post, too, Heroine. I think women are counter-productively scared by OTT warnings. Many, also, don't know that the best thing to do if you think you're being followed is turn round and face the person behind you.

When men have asked me what to do when walking behind a woman on an otherwise empty street, I've advised crossing the road. It is sad that it should be so but the main thing is to minimise anxiety. Obv, if you know her, the thing to do is call her name!

xposted with your last, Heroine. I disagree. Who on earth thinks that people being killed is acceptable?!

There are biological factors at work....I had an overpowering protective instinct with my pregnant ex wife that I had to come to control (I talked about this with many friends and they had similar feelings).

Some men want to protect....its instinct.

I'd agree...

Walking towards some one on a dark night doesn't cause as much anxiety from what I see.....(or its shorter duration).....but from what I see it seems to have less effect!?

From a man on man scenario it is the same....turn around and face up to the threat. They'll avert their eyes and walk off.

I think in all everyday interactions the devil is in the detail. Some people are very good at reading social situations and some are not. Those who are can read the subconscious signals someone is sending out and respond to them appropriately will not overstep boundaries. There is also a whole spectrum of offensive actions, many of which have been mentioned on this thread. Some are intimidating and grossly offensive and need dealing with. Others are a little annoying but I feel a normal person would just shrug them off and get on with their lives.

It is not a good test of sexism whether an individual would do the same actions in a same sex situation. Acknowledging and acting differently to someone of the opposite sex is normal. A better test might be whether a woman would do the same to a man in the same situation.

Also, the idea of whether something is offensive can be decided simply on whether someone has been offended is also not right. Some people are egregiously over sensitive and can be offended by what most would consider as merely friendly.

There has to be a happy medium where men can address women (even strangers) in a friendly way without the woman taking offence. Equally, some men need to learn to respect boundaries and clearly many still don't. I do think that a lot of those builders, manual labourers etc are trying to assert a privilege which even they don't really believe they still have, hence the hopeful nature of their approach and the aggression when it is rebuffed by a far more intelligent woman.

I think I agree with everything you have just posted.

"A better test might be whether a woman would do the same to a man in the same situation".
I thought that brought us right back to the op.
But actually her question, weeks ago, was do blokes do this to other random blokes.
Am I am not sure that was completely answered?

Men tend not to say "Hi love" to each other of course! But in situations where they feel they need (consciously or not) to disarm the situation, us men do occasionally say "Hi", "Good morning", "alright lads", etc to strangers in the street.

The more social the man the more he may talk to strangers. "Hi love" is a tad personal for my taste but I have friends who would use that phrase without 2nd thought.

I hope that answers the op?